Not yet.

Hello all. Happy Monday. 🙂
If that sentence made you grumpy, go have another coffee. I’ll wait. 😉

I was watching a Ted Talk one day last week that I will share a link to at the end of this blog. Like most of my blogs, I was struck by one sentence and that sentence was a short one. “Not yet.”

The talk was about the power that we have when we believe that we can improve and her first example was a high school where student who did not pass a course were not given a failing grade but rather a “Not Yet”.
The idea behind this is that a fail can lead to a very negative view of yourself and failure tends to breed more failure.
By saying “Not Yet”, these student are given the message that they are on a learning curve and have not mastered the things that they needed to master to move forward. “Not Yet” gives them a more positive view. You have not moved on because you are still learning these concepts. When you learn them, you will move on.

It is what the speaker referred to as a “growth mindset” and while she studied 10 year olds, I felt that this way of thinking could help us all. Most certainly myself included.
There are things that I simply can not do and I have shoved them in to a back drawer in my mind and forgotten about them except for the times that someone asks me to do any of these things. I need to go take that failure out of a drawer, fail again and pretty much prove how stupid I am.
Now don’t you go scolding me for speaking harshly to myself unless you never do it. Anyone??? 😉

What if I looked at something I have not been able to do yet, perhaps try again or file it away but when asked to bring it out again, I will simply say I have not mastered that task yet? Just in writing that, I suddenly feel more empowered by it. I do not fail, I have not failed, I am not stupid nor was I stupid in the past. I just haven’t mastered that task yet. The possibility of eventually figuring it out is there for me now rather than stored in my too  large “FAIL” drawer.

Rather than me continuing to explain this theory, I am going to post the excellent video and I hope you’ll have time to watch it.
What a great way to start this fresh new week! 🙂

There is no reality…

Many years ago (more like a couple of decades), I read a book written by “Dr. Phil”. I am not a big fan of his to be honest but this book was about what he called “Life Laws”. One of the “Life Laws” was “There is no reality, only perception” . I must admit that when I read the book, I just could not comprehend what this meant. Another “Life Law” was “You either get it or you don’t. Be one of those who gets it”. Well… I didn’t get it.

OF COURSE there is reality. Trees have brown trunks, the sky is blue, clouds are white but turn grey if there will be a storm. When someone does something bad, they are a bad person. When someone does something good, they are a good person. What I find hard, surely everyone else does too. When I feel offended, surely others would be offended as well. The list goes on. I saw the world as quite a black and white place. Things easily fit in two columns. Good or bad. Right or wrong.

Now here I am many years and a lot of life experience later and I finally get what Dr. Phil was trying to say.
“There is no reality, only perception.”
It is true. I get it now.

One person can look at a sweater and think it is beautiful. Someone else looks at the same sweater and hates it. Their reality is the same but their perception is different. It is the same sweater yet they perceive it very differently.
One person can feel that a day is freezing cold and need to dress like a polar bear to stay warm (my husband) while someone else wanders around in a t-shirt (me). Our reality is the same but our perception is different.
Two people can go for a drive. One person feels that going 60 in a 50 zone is PLENTY fast enough (my husband again) while someone else rarely goes below 80 and spends a lot of time cursing the slow poke going 60. (I admit it. That’s me too. *laugh*)
Those are fairly simple examples.

The more difficult examples are where we all get stuck in our lives because our perception colours a situation in a certain way.
Yesterday I held a Christmas party for all of my sister-in-laws and a few cousins. During the evening we played several games and very typical of our group, things got very loud and boisterous. For some of the group, that doesn’t even phase them. For others? It’s just too much to handle and they shut down. I literally watched the switch turn off and they mentally pulled away from it all. I am more of a “go run and hide” person if a full-blown dissociation does not whisk me away first. I hid out in my kitchen for about a half hour just to get away from it all.
So how will people “review” my party? Many will say it was a great bit of fun while others will fear doing it again next year. No worries ladies, I’ll never say who you are. 😉

The same can be said for so many situations in our lives. I know that when two people debate an issue (even something so simple as the proper rules for a game), they can see it as just working out the rules while I see it as danger. I want to bolt out of that room and get safe before things turn really ugly. They never do turn ugly but my perception says they will.
The way people word things can affect you very differently too. I know one woman who thinks that someone calling her a “b*tch is the very worst putdown in the world and she gets VERY offended yet to me, I laugh it off and find it amusing. I actually take it as a bit of a compliment because I stand up for what I believe in so say what you want. 🙂

Basically anything in this life that happens to you or around you is absolutely and completely covered by your perception. The best news is that we have the ability to change our perception. I will tell you a short story to show you what I mean. Let’s call my main character Alice. 🙂

Story #1
Alice is running around her house like a chicken with her head cut off because she is already running late for a dinner with friends. She finally gets out of the house, gets in the car and realizes she forgot her keys. Now she’s feeling even more rushed and when she goes to get her keys, she realizes that the gift she was going to take with her is still sitting there too. This just peeves her off even more for being so unorganized and stupid. This reminds her that she was going to pick up a card so Alice dashes in to the local store in a bad mood to grab a card and as she approaches the cash register, she recognizes the cashier as an old friend. Of course the old friend wants to chat and Alice is now late, rushed, annoyed AND stuck talking to this old friend who eats up even more time.
She gets back to her car, races off to her planned dinner and gets stuck behind some slow poke which only peeves her off even further. She finally reaches her destination, goes in to meet her friends then dumps the whole story on to them before even attempting to calm down a bit.
Alice reviews her day later at home and quite frankly? It sucked.

Story #2
Alice is rushing around the house because she is late for dinner with friends. She picks up the phone and calls one of her friends to let them know that she is running a wee bit late. She gets to her car, realizes she forgot her keys so she runs back in to the house for them and sees the gift she was supposed to take sitting there. “THANK GOODNESS I forgot my keys or I would have forgotten the gift too” she says to herself then laughs at her forgetfulness. While placing the gift in the car, she remembers that she needs a card as well so she stops in at a local store to grab one. As she approaches the cash register, she realizes that the cashier is an old friend. What luck! They haven’t seen each other in years. They chat a bit then Alice explains that she is already running late for a dinner with some other friends so how about they meet up for a coffee tomorrow when the cashier gets off work? With plans for a nice coffee with an old friend made, she goes off to her dinner.
Of course there has to be a slow poke driving in front of her which can be really annoying but she notices that the driver is wearing this certain style of hat that her mother used to wear. This brings back a bunch of good memories and before she knows it, she’s where she needed to be.
She goes in to meet her friends, recounts her lucky breaks and apologizes for being a bit late. They all enjoy a great meal and Alice goes home feeling like this was an absolutely wonderful day.

Alice can choose to see the day either way and so can we. Quite often how we choose to see the day colours everything in that same colour. Thankfully we really can change how we see things and this gives us an incredible amount of power in our lives. The power to literally make our life whatever we choose to make it.

Thanks Dr. Phil. I get it now. “There is no reality. Only perception.”
I hope I helped you to get it too.
Best wishes to you to colour your weekend beautiful!

Shame

I’m feeling a little off today. I had a great day at a fun craft fair (this was written on Sunday because I will be too busy to write this on Wednesday), I had good sales despite a very low turnout, I had some great conversations with other vendors and my work was complimented repeatedly. I feel like I SHOULD feel very happy about my day. The recipe for a good day was completed but somehow the directions were wrong. There is something missing.
I felt it all day.

Before going away for professional help in 2013, NO ONE knew my secrets. I mean no one. Not even one person in this world knew what happened except for me. Even the abusers only knew what they did. I never told one about another. I did try to get help but I would always fail/give up before hardly getting started. If someone doubts the first thing you tell them, you are very unlikely to tell them anything else. Without even realizing it, most adults unintentionally buy the silence of abused children by showing the smallest smidgen of doubt.
“Are you really sure this is what happened?”
“We don’t want to say anything untrue do we?”
“It’s very important that you tell me the truth here.”
If anything even remotely like this is said? We fear not being believed and if we are not believed then we put ourselves at risk for further harm. We feel unsafe.
Silence is now bought and paid for.

After 2013, a very small group of people knew what happened to me. A VERY small group. My nurses in the hospital, a few trusted friends from within the Complex PTSD circles, a good friend and really no one else. Not even my own husband. It was enough though. At that time it felt so freeing just to have a few people know and still be silent with all others. In all truthfulness? That was the extent of my circle.

I still do not feel the need to expose all the “dirty little details” but I am starting to make friends with people outside my Complex PTSD friends and I feel like I am beginning to hide again. I admit to having PTSD but I never say why. I actually feel like I am starting to present myself as 2 very distinct people (and not in a dissociative way). I feel that I am not being truly authentic.

When I began this blog, I chose to not show my full name anywhere. Heather is my real first name and Helpers are my DID pals but my identity was otherwise rather well hidden.

Now there are people who know me personally who read this blog. They can go back and read  over my other posts and piece together little bits if they choose but in the spirit of being and staying positive, I never list details of anything that I’ve been through. I have no interest in changing that because I am VERY proud of this blogs reputation of being positive, informative and honest. Compliments that I hold near and dear to my heart and thank you to all who’ve said it. 🙂

So here is where I feel a bit weird. I am feeling a bit like I am keeping secrets from people. I am meeting all of these new people and I am presenting only one side of myself. The artistic, capable, social Heather. I like those parts of myself but I will admit that I’ve been too afraid to discuss my real diagnoses with anyone. I admit to the PTSD but never to the DID. I am so afraid that I will be viewed as a crackpot. I am afraid to lose these new friendships. I am afraid of losing their respect. Suddenly I am feeling as though I am only showing half of me because of my willingness to offer secrecy and silence due to the fear of being judged.

You see… DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a huge part of who I am. It affects my life on a daily basis. By not divulging it to those I am getting to know rather well, it can lead to misunderstandings, mistrust and even hurt feelings. If I do not allow people to know that I quite often just disappear then have no memory at all of that time, they can take my behavior or things said in the wrong way. Quite often people feel like I just don’t pay attention to them and that is so incredibly untrue. They feel ignored rather than understanding how deeply I dissociate.
If I was just choosing not to tell people and I felt good about it? That would be wonderful but I am choosing not to say anything due to fear.
Oh, let me just be honest. I feel ashamed.
The silence and secrecy that got me in to a terrible place in my past is sneaking back in insidiously because I am fighting shame.

There has to be a way to be authentic without scaring people away?
How do you keep the respect of others who really may not understand?
What do you do to avoid the feelings of shame if the answer is NOT breaking your silence?
Where on earth is that fine line? The balance?

I know for certain that I am not alone. I read these comments in my support group, in emails from others with DID, and discussions with doctors. Will there ever be a day when we will not feel the need to hide, be silent or feel so ashamed?

We are not broken people. We were broken by others. Why do we feel the shame and they do not?

I am sorry to leave this post off like this. I really like to end on a positive and helpful note but today I just do not feel that way at all. I promised to always offer you my honesty and for right now, this is where I am. Perhaps I needed to bare my soul so that others can as well? Who knows but there is always a reason for what I do even if I am not aware of what it is at the time. 😉

Thanks for listening.

Without Fear

Take a nice deep breath and then let it out slowly. Do it again and focus on being here. Right here and right now. I have an important question to ask you.

What would you do if you could erase the fear that surrounds your doing it?

If there was no nagging voice in the back of your head saying that it probably won’t work, it will be more effort than it is worth, you’re too ________ (fat, ugly, lazy, uncreative, poor…), you just don’t have the time, you have work, children, spouses and houses.
What would you do if you could just tell that voice to shut the heck up?

Would you learn to dance?
Enroll in art lessons?
Share your poetry with others?
Talk to someone whom intimidates you?
Write a book?
Paint your bedroom purple?
Find a better job?
Give hugs more freely?
Learn to trust a few core people in your life?
Get therapy?
Start a business?
Deal with an addiction?
Ride a horse?
Learn to play an instrument?
There are just so many options!

What would you do?

I watched another “Super Soul Sunday” last weekend and it was Shonda Rhimes that was the guest. For those of you who may not have heard of her, she is the creator of several hit TV shows that are incredibly endearing to those who watch them. Grey’s Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, and Scandal to name just a few. She’s also written a book over this past year (in her spare time???) called “Year of Yes”. For one year she started saying yes to things she would have never said yes to before. Invitations to speak in public, parties, her daughters requests to play… just saying yes as often as possible and especially where she would have normally said no. She said it has transformed her life and she’s begun doing things that she always wanted to do but did not do because fear held her back.

I was really happy when they asked the question “When was the last time you did something that terrified you?”. I was happy because for so many years within my life, I avoided so much but over these past 3 years, I’ve said yes a lot.
Yes I will spend 4 months in hospital to help get my life back on track and learn how to make many difficult changes. I was never so scared in my life but it has proven to be the best thing I have ever done with my life.
Yes I will be (appropriately) open about my diagnoses and take the risk of everyone dropping me like a hot potato. The reaction was the opposite. People got closer to me instead because I was finally being the real me and not so desperately trying to hide my secrets. My life is more full now than ever with amazing people.
Yes I will start a blog. I actually started one, hated it, waited many months and then got the guts to begin this one. I promised to be open and honest no matter how hard that can be at times. I am sure you can all feel a “real” person writes this. You’ve seen my soul.
Yes I will start selling my art. YIKES! Really? Show it in public and actually ask people to pay me for it? I can not adequately express how terrified I was (and still am before each show begins). The reaction has been amazing although I wish I got paid for compliments rather than just the art. I’d make more money that way. 😉
I’ve basically been living 3 years of yes.
I’ve shuffled over my fears and just done things that terrified me to even try.

I have not conquered all fear. I never will but I am actively trying to lessen the amount of power that fear holds in my life and I agree with Shonda Rhimes. It is trans-formative.

My life today looks very little like my life from 3 years ago. I am so much happier and in control of my life. I am no longer stuck at the bottom of a huge pit and it feels so good. I still have some really hard days but they don’t tend to string together any longer. Going from one issue to the next.

If you could just take a leap of faith and give yourself a chance, where could you land? Are you curious? Are you curious enough to actually try it? I hope you are.

The very worst thing that could possibly happen is that you could fail or get negative feedback. I’m sure you’d handled both of those things before? And so what? Failing is only a setback. A lesson to teach you how to do it better next time.

The best thing that could happen would be that you’d change your life for the better. I firmly believe it is worth a try.

100%

You know how it is said that nobody is perfect?
To some degree I agree but this is where I do not.

If you are sitting here reading this right now, you have survived 100% of every bad day you’ve ever had.

If you have been bullied? You have made it through it 100% of the time. That does not mean there are no scars but give yourself credit for making it through.

If you’ve ever been suicidal, somehow you’ve survived 100% of the time and you are still here hanging on. You impress me! I impress myself. I don’t know how on earth I hung on and I am sure you wonder about yourself at times too but so far? We have a 100% survival rate!

If you’ve ever gotten to the end of the money LONG before the end of the month? You made it through. I am sure it wasn’t easy but somehow you did it and if necessary? You will do it again because you are perfect. 100%.

If you’ve been harmed by another person or people, you have found the strength to go on. Maybe you are out of the situation, making a plan to get out or just trying to figure out how you can get free but we all deserve points for surviving this. 100% of the time.

Perhaps you have or had a low self-esteem and thought yourself unworthy? Somehow you’ve found enough worth in yourself to continue on. 100% of the time.

There are so many things that we humans go through. We deal with so much. We have good days and bad, we succeed and we struggle, we pass and we fail, we make good decision and bad ones… sometimes REALLY bad ones. But look! You’re still here.

In the end, we need to stop and give ourselves a pat on the back for being 100% successful each and every day. No matter what you’ve been through or what you have ahead of you, stop and take a look at your perfect record.

If you’ve been living at 100% this long? I have faith you will continue at 100% until you just wear your motor out from being so perfect your whole life.

Ugly

I’ve been doing craft shows 2-3 times a week now for over a month. It won’t even begin to slow down until December 6th. It’s been a great experience for the most part and I’ve met some lovely people whom I consider new “craft fair” friends. I’ve enjoyed hearing and seeing the public react to my art. For the most part, I am very happy that I took this leap of faith and put myself out there.
3 years ago? ONE fair would have done me in and I’d unlikely even manage that many. Heck, I had trouble getting there as a shopper let alone a vendor!
I’ve made sure to record this accomplishment on my “Accomplishment List”.

This past Saturday I had a new experience.
My mother/monster showed up at a show I was in. My heart sank and my anxiety rose but somehow I retained my composure. Of course I was feeling very uncomfortable but I was able to remain in control. I didn’t dissociate or run away scared.
I did not stay at my table when she came up my aisle but I did that for my own mental health and to avoid putting myself in a negative situation I returned to my seat shortly after she moved on to the next set of vendors.

I watched her continue her journey from vendor to vendor and saw her stop, point at me and proceed to talk nasty to her friends. This is where things changed for me.
In the past this would have REALLY bothered me. I would have gotten upset, felt the need to defend myself and likely fallen in to a deep depression with thoughts of how things would never get better for me. I say that with confidence because I’ve watched myself do it time and again for years.

This time as different.
As I watched her speak, I saw how her face got nasty looking. Her eyes squinted, her nose scrunched up, her brow furrowed, her head almost shook with powerful anger and she was doing her very best to make her point as clear as possible to her mates.
I saw her friends looking over at me in confusion because as my mother spoke so horribly, I sat at my table speaking kindly to shoppers, smiling at people whom I knew and somehow just not fitting in to the picture that was being painted.
Then I saw something else.

Rather than being hurt, intimidated, sad or defensive? I saw her face and it just looked ugly. My mother is not an ugly woman at all and most people would say she’s very attractive but all of her good looks left and were replaced by a pinched, angry, resentful, incredibly ugly face.
All I really felt was shock at seeing how ugly this anger made her and then doing a little scan of my own face, I knew that when people look at me? They never see that ugliness. It felt good to know that.

She decided as a parting gesture that she would tell the person who was in charge of the show that all my work was stolen off the internet and that I was selling copyrighted material. I did not find this out until later but once again, I did not feel defensive or angry. I just felt that ugliness again. This bitter old woman doing her very best to squash my new venture.
It did not work. I’ve had many people watch my work from the first scribbles of an idea up to the finished product and I happily offered pictures of my latest work from beginning to end as well as other crafters that I have done shows with that have watched my pieces take form over the weekends that we’ve been together.
The issue was resolved quickly and once again, I did not feel that crushing weight of being accused unfairly. I felt protected because I can prove that I do my own art at a moments notice. Just give me paper and a pen.
What a GREAT feeling.

I do not see this powerful woman with the ability to ruin me any longer. She’s taken everything that I cared about away from me including my children. I have nothing left to lose that she is able to take. Everything else is up to me and me alone.
In time I can see the tides changing. I believe that others will see the same ugliness that I see and they will avoid her as I do. They will stop believing her lies because my character stands on its own even though it has taken me YEARS to have people see that. I am a kind, loving, and giving person (YAY!! A bit of self-esteem kicking in!). I do not harbour ugliness inside of me.

So it wasn’t a perfect day but it was a powerful one. I handled myself with grace and that means a lot to me.
That monster can do and say whatever she likes. Her ugliness is finally beginning to show and she’s going to be found out. Watch out my monster. I see you for who you really are and soon others will too because YOU are showing it to them.

I KNOW how hard it is when others belittle or demean you especially if it is a supposed friend or a family member. I’ve lived it my WHOLE life. There is only one surefire way to win though. Be the one that radiates a beautiful heart and a kind spirit and let the ones who wish to harm you show their ugliness all on their own.

Your suitcase.

A few years ago, I had a friend that struggled greatly with letting things go. I am happy to say that she’s worked VERY hard ever since and gotten very good at it.
In our conversation, I was trying to find a way to explain the concept of how we choose what we carry around with us. I came up with a suitcase.

Each of us has a suitcase. You can look at it as being your body, your mind, or visualize a real suitcase. Pink leopard skin print, Elvis, Def Leopard, whatever  you wish. 😉
We all have a suitcase and we take it along no matter where we go each day. We even take it to bed.

What you choose to pack in your suitcase will be the deciding factor for how your life will go. You can choose to fill it with other people’s crap, you can fill it with booze or junk food, you can pack insidious negativity in every tiny space you have left over. Many of us come with a suitcase that is already half filled with the words and actions of others. Half of that crap is labelled with words like “Loser”, “Idiot”, “Liar”, “Fat Cow”, “Useless”… Yuck!

I suggest that we all unpack our suitcases on a regular basis and make choices about what we choose to put back in. The rest of the stuff can sit on a closet shelf and when you are ready, you can trash it.

So what do we put in?
Pictures of our supporters. Whether that be family, friends, teachers, social workers… whomever you feel has a positive impact on your life.
Don’t forget your dogs, cats, birds, lizards, ant farms or pet rocks. If you love them? Add them.
Start listening to the nice things people say to you. We so often blow off the nice things as though they never existed then Crazy Glue the negative stuff to our foreheads. Take those nice little comments and pack those too. They don’t take up a lot of room so add as many as you can and keep adding!
I suggest a beautiful hand-carved box that can hold all your accomplishments. They do not always need to be big things to others but if they are big to you? Add them in. 🙂 There have been times when taking a shower was a monumental task and accomplishing that was big. There are other times when my accomplishments have been far bigger and brighter but they ALL count. Pay attention to what you do right and add that stuff to your beautiful box.
And beauty… you’ve got to add beauty. It is different for each one of us. Beauty to me is almost always nature. Spider webs christened with raindrops, incredible landscapes and tiny flowers. People’s eyes and their smiles are definitely photo worthy and would land in my suitcase as well. There is nothing more beautiful than a kind and loving set of eyes. Beauty to you may be race cars, vintage radios, rainbows, teacups or anything that just makes you happy to look at. Add lots of that.
Add some healthy snacks too. You’ll want to be able to stop and refuel your body at a moments notice. Choose something you love.
By the time that you are done, your suitcase should be absolutely packed to the brim with beauty, light and love. Thankfully all of these things are also very light. They are almost airy and you don’t even notice yourself dragging the suitcase around. It just sort of floats along behind you.

Sadly there is one caveat.
Similar to taking a child to a candy store and arriving at the checkout with many items you never chose, your suitcase will begin to feel heavier as time passes. When you plunk it on your bed and open it up, you will find that there are things in there you did not add and do not want. Fresh hurts, past demons, anger, resentment, fears, ugliness… you’ll find it hiding amongst all the beauty that you packed. Do not fret though. Suitcases can be unpacked and packed up again as many times as you need to. Every time you notice it getting a wee bit heavy, stop, unpack and repack.
It is 100% up to you what you choose to carry with you.

One of my favourite items to pack in all the side pockets to help prevent the negative from getting back in is kindness. It is as light as a feather and very, very small. Almost like glitter but far less messy. 😉
Kindness is a tricky little bugger though.
When you give kindness away you’d expect that you are losing something or going out of your way but kindness is so weird. For as much as you can give away, you get twice the amount back. It just feels so great so sprinkle that stuff everywhere!

Pick the suitcase of your choice and start packing. It is absolutely up to you each and every day what you want, wish and choose to bring with you. You hold all the power. Take advantage of that to the very best of your ability and have a beautiful week. ❤

You are better than…

I’ve recently begun watching Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday”. I’ve never watched it before because I wrongly assumed that it was a religious thing. I consider myself a very spiritual person but organized religion has not been good to me during my lifetime so I tend to steer clear. 😦 It is VERY triggering.

Back to Oprah…
She was interviewing a gentleman named Bryan Stevenson who is a very well-known civil rights lawyer. He spoke passionately about what he’s learned from his clients. Keep in mind that most of his clients are death row inmates, murderers… the worst of the worst and yet he spoke with heartfelt compassion for them.  When he said these following words, my heart melted a little. I found a new level of compassion within myself for those who are deemed to be the trash of society.
His words?

You are better than the worst thing you have ever done.

He spoke about how there can be really good people who make really poor decisions for so many reasons but to toss them aside as though they do not matter only keeps their hearts hardened.

I am not going to sit here and defend everyone who’s done illegal things.  I’ve personally met the worst of the worst and have no interest in saving their souls (that is their own job) but his words touched me personally.
If THEY deserve to be dealt with compassionately and with empathy? Shouldn’t I allow that within my own life as well?

I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been rude. I’ve been thoughtless. In the course of 45 years, I’ve managed to break a good percentage of the commandments. Some when I was young and still stupid (maybe you were smart when you were younger and didn’t royally mess up but I did and I did it well) and some when I was well old enough to know better. I am not proud of these things but I’ve come to accept that no one is perfect. Not even me.
I know… just breathe until you recover from the shock. 😉
I am not perfect.

I’ve made mistakes unintentionally and I’ve made other mistakes knowing full well that I was not doing what was best for me. Sometimes I just didn’t know any better and sometimes because I just didn’t choose better.
I will admit that I have set a very high standard for myself in this life and not reaching that high bar is something I have looked down on myself for. I have been harsher on myself than I would ever be on you.

So here is this man on Oprah talking about how murderers are not only murderers. They are more than that moment in their life. They’ve often done good things too. They’ve made really good decisions in their lives beside the really bad ones. If they deserve to be looked at as human, why can I not allow the same for myself?

I’ve done dumb things but I’ve done smart things too.
I’ve made bad choices AND good choices.
I’ve been thoughtless at times yet thoughtful at others.
I’ve lied yet I’ve made things right.
I feel that I should have known better at certain points in my life and I didn’t but I know better now and I do better because of it.
I am far more than the shame filled young girl that I used to be.
I learn and grow each and every day.
I own my mistakes and try to make them right.
I am quite sure everyone who reads this blog tries just as hard.

I am better than the worst things I’ve ever done and so are you.

November 11th

There are many different names for the day we remember our soldiers who fought and still fight for us and the luxury of being free.

I think of the military in a new way these days. A suppose for the last 15 years or so since having military members in our family. I am Canadian so it is not as common to have people in the military as some other places. Having family sent overseas is VERY different from watching the news and seeing nameless throngs of men and women heading towards a plane in their uniforms.

I am now good friends with several men and women who served and now deal with PTSD. I’ve heard their stories and those stories are also VERY different from what we see on TV. It just isn’t all that clean or clear cut. They have to make impossible decisions using rules from law abiding societies against groups of people that have no rules at all. They see the faces of totally innocent men, women and children that are thrust in to the middle of wars they did not start and quite often do not want.
I think of them all almost every day but I think of them even more today.

Over the past few years I have also used this day to remind myself of the people who fight for our rights in other ways. The people that fight through non violence. Gandhi is the first example I think of. Martin Luther King. Nelson Mandela (I know the other side to his story but still feel in the end, he did a LOT for society and being perfect is not a qualification for me). Today I think most of the Dalai Lama. A refugee from his own country who has watched barbaric things done to his people yet still feels the only way to “retaliate” is with kindness and compassion.

I watched a movie about the Dalai Lama this morning and he was asked about why he would never fight back and guns were used as an example. He said that guns are a short term answer. They can stop something for a short time but in the end, very little changes.
He feels that kindness and compassion breeds peace and that can be spread around everywhere for free. By not allowing ourselves to be so quick to anger, we stop negativity in its tracks. It is not the easy way but it is the only way to make changes that last. (My opinion.)

So today I think of every person who is trying to fight for a better life no matter how they feel is the right way to accomplish that goal.

Last but not least… our furry, feathered, hair covered war heroes. We use dogs and other animals to help people heal and lead full lives after coming home from war but they have also fought for us as well. Many dear animals have lost their lives in service to us. I don’t forget them on this day either.

I wish for you to be happy.
I wish for you to have peace.
I wish for all those who have fallen in the name of freedom to be resting free from any worry or hurt.

Peppermint

It just struck me that “Peppermint” is a real theme in my life. I never realized that before. Is it fate? If you believe in fate?

Peppermint is my favourite scent and the only scent I have no reaction to. I was told it is a calming scent that also invigorates you. I use it to help me remain grounded and present in stressful situations.

Peppermint is also known to sooth your throat and your tummy when you are not feeling well and a piece of peppermint candy helps me more than any cough drop available. Try it sometime. 🙂

Recently a friend put a “Little Golden Book” on her Facebook page. “Pokey the Puppy” if I recall correctly. Do you remember those? How oldish young do you have to be to remember those?
My favourite book was about this kitten who feels very sad because she is pure white while all of her siblings have markings. She ends up falling in to a tub of blue dye, becomes a blue cat and wins the ribbon at the state fair for her good looks. For the life of me I could not recall the name of that book and I Googled a LOT of things before finding it.

What I do recall was safety. When that book was being read to me, I was with my grandmother in her spare room. The room had a big bed and a princess type headboard. The furniture looked so ornate at the time although I now realize everyone had the same furniture.  I just felt like the most spoilt princess when sleeping in that room. It was truly the only time in my childhood that I was safe. I only wish it had been far more often but I treasure each and every memory.

In the nightstand beside where I slept there was a drawer with special things for me. A flashlight in case I woke up at night (SO COOL!), some little knitted finger puppets (for a child with no toys this was like Christmas – so fun!) and a “Little Golden Book”.

My grandmother would climb in beside me, wrap me up in her arms and read to me. I could read the book myself from a very young age and I loved to read but when I was at Grandma’s house and it was bedtime? She needed to read to me. 🙂 It would be wonderful to have those moments back now but thank goodness for memories. She will always live in my heart.

I can’t tell you how surprised I was when I finally found the name of the book on Google…

There are times that life just all seems to be knit up together and this is one of those times for me. And don’t worry! Peppermint is happy at the end and no longer sad like she is on the cover. Just to assure you I spent another half an hour on Google Images looking for her pretty blue look. Okay… not just for you. For me too. 😉

Feel better now? I do!

Now that we are all happy, have a great week and I will see you again on Wednesday. 🙂