Ugly

I’ve been doing craft shows 2-3 times a week now for over a month. It won’t even begin to slow down until December 6th. It’s been a great experience for the most part and I’ve met some lovely people whom I consider new “craft fair” friends. I’ve enjoyed hearing and seeing the public react to my art. For the most part, I am very happy that I took this leap of faith and put myself out there.
3 years ago? ONE fair would have done me in and I’d unlikely even manage that many. Heck, I had trouble getting there as a shopper let alone a vendor!
I’ve made sure to record this accomplishment on my “Accomplishment List”.

This past Saturday I had a new experience.
My mother/monster showed up at a show I was in. My heart sank and my anxiety rose but somehow I retained my composure. Of course I was feeling very uncomfortable but I was able to remain in control. I didn’t dissociate or run away scared.
I did not stay at my table when she came up my aisle but I did that for my own mental health and to avoid putting myself in a negative situation I returned to my seat shortly after she moved on to the next set of vendors.

I watched her continue her journey from vendor to vendor and saw her stop, point at me and proceed to talk nasty to her friends. This is where things changed for me.
In the past this would have REALLY bothered me. I would have gotten upset, felt the need to defend myself and likely fallen in to a deep depression with thoughts of how things would never get better for me. I say that with confidence because I’ve watched myself do it time and again for years.

This time as different.
As I watched her speak, I saw how her face got nasty looking. Her eyes squinted, her nose scrunched up, her brow furrowed, her head almost shook with powerful anger and she was doing her very best to make her point as clear as possible to her mates.
I saw her friends looking over at me in confusion because as my mother spoke so horribly, I sat at my table speaking kindly to shoppers, smiling at people whom I knew and somehow just not fitting in to the picture that was being painted.
Then I saw something else.

Rather than being hurt, intimidated, sad or defensive? I saw her face and it just looked ugly. My mother is not an ugly woman at all and most people would say she’s very attractive but all of her good looks left and were replaced by a pinched, angry, resentful, incredibly ugly face.
All I really felt was shock at seeing how ugly this anger made her and then doing a little scan of my own face, I knew that when people look at me? They never see that ugliness. It felt good to know that.

She decided as a parting gesture that she would tell the person who was in charge of the show that all my work was stolen off the internet and that I was selling copyrighted material. I did not find this out until later but once again, I did not feel defensive or angry. I just felt that ugliness again. This bitter old woman doing her very best to squash my new venture.
It did not work. I’ve had many people watch my work from the first scribbles of an idea up to the finished product and I happily offered pictures of my latest work from beginning to end as well as other crafters that I have done shows with that have watched my pieces take form over the weekends that we’ve been together.
The issue was resolved quickly and once again, I did not feel that crushing weight of being accused unfairly. I felt protected because I can prove that I do my own art at a moments notice. Just give me paper and a pen.
What a GREAT feeling.

DSCN2495 DSCN2496 DSCN2497

I do not see this powerful woman with the ability to ruin me any longer. She’s taken everything that I cared about away from me including my children. I have nothing left to lose that she is able to take. Everything else is up to me and me alone.
In time I can see the tides changing. I believe that others will see the same ugliness that I see and they will avoid her as I do. They will stop believing her lies because my character stands on its own even though it has taken me YEARS to have people see that. I am a kind, loving, and giving person (YAY!! A bit of self-esteem kicking in!). I do not harbour ugliness inside of me.

So it wasn’t a perfect day but it was a powerful one. I handled myself with grace and that means a lot to me.
That monster can do and say whatever she likes. Her ugliness is finally beginning to show and she’s going to be found out. Watch out my monster. I see you for who you really are and soon others will too because YOU are showing it to them.

I KNOW how hard it is when others belittle or demean you especially if it is a supposed friend or a family member. I’ve lived it my WHOLE life. There is only one surefire way to win though. Be the one that radiates a beautiful heart and a kind spirit and let the ones who wish to harm you show their ugliness all on their own.

Karma2

16 responses to “Ugly

  1. Well done my friend, let the monster dig her own hole, she has started digging it now, she will bury herself eventually, I think you did wonderful to stay in control mate. 🙂

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  2. Oh this has made my day! You should be so proud of yourself Heather. To act with grace when you must have wanted to run away (or lob a chair at her) is so much easier said than done. In doing so though you have taken her power away. All she has achieved is to make herself look petty and even, as you say, bats*** crazy! I am so happy for you, and happy that your beautiful art is bringing you joy, confidence and recognition. Many cwtches to you my friend.x

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    • Thank you! I am proud of myself. I really struggled to remain composed but I did it without visiting dissociation land. Thank you for your support through the good and bad. Cwtches.

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  3. Congratulations on handling such a difficult experience with such grace!

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  4. Dancing butterfly

    Amazing and graceful accomplishment!!! I am incredibly proud and humbled by your ability to handle this situation. You have moved mountains my friend.
    On the accomplishments list indeed. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What a relief that must be that she is losing her power over you. She did her worst and you weren’t triggered. Some amazing healing has taken place. Love the latest drawing too. You are an amazing artist, an amazing person.

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  6. You must be a strong person to overcome that Heather…….I probably would not have handled it so good….

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    • A LOT of therapy has helped me take better care of myself and not allow her bitterness to get in my heart. I am not always successful. She occasionally gives me the one-two punch right between the eyes but I am able to handle things better and better as the years pass. 🙂 No longer being a child in her care helps.

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  7. First, love your art 🙂 A style i really like. Second, good on you for being so observant and being able to see the ugliness for what it was. I think you are right, that others have or will have seen it also. Third, just reading your blog, the image your mother was trying to conjure up sounds completely unbelievable. I follow a lot of blogs on PTSD and other mental health issues and yours is one of my favorites just for the pure fact that it always leaves me feeling better. You manage to put strength and positivity into such a difficult topic and i picture you the same. .. with strength and positivity. Good on you for seeing it in yourself!

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  8. Sad that Moms can ne mean .

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