Co-consciousness

I am trying to open up a bit more about my Helpers these days and they are enjoying the attention. I’ve also been trying to reach some new places with them. Mainly co-consciousness. If you are unsure of what that is, don’t feel too badly. I only just found it out myself a few months ago. 🙂

Co-consciousness for a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is the ability to share space with an identity plus the main personality (host). It is not an attempt to integrate another part, it is an attempt to work alongside them.

For so many years I heard voices but I did not know what they were, who they were or what the heck was wrong with me so I attempted to ignore them all no matter how loud or insistent they got. When you’ve never known a different life, you can also misconstrue the meanings of certain statements and assume that others are in fact just like you. I thought when people said they had thoughts running around in their heads or that they could not sleep with all the issues on their minds, I assumed they heard voices too. Eventually I realized the difference but that did not help me to understand, it just served to make me feel insane.

I was in hospital (2013) before I was finally told what those voices were and I was so confused about how to speak to them. My nurse suggested I just try talking to them which sounded insane to me after actively avoiding them for 40 years… but I tried. Well HOLY CRAP BATMAN! They heard me and spoke back to me. At the time only one voice rose above the rest as distinct and seemingly always present. That turned out to be whom I called Julie but whose real name was Reilyn.

Reilyn was the only Helper that I was ever co-conscious with. I knew she was there and she always knew what I was doing. She knew what everyone in the system was doing. I affectionately called her “the gate-keeper”. Over the course of the first year I realized that I had some power over when Helpers came out and very gradually lessened the amount of time where they were in charge. I doubt I will ever completely master it because I do not have enough energy to constantly be “on guard” every moment but I was able to make a few deals, put some rules in place, and create a less chaotic life for myself.

I am at the point now where I am trying to work on becoming co-conscious with other Helpers. A few are thrilled and join me happily but most are hard to reach. It will take me years of hard work to get it all worked out but I feel they are all worth it.

Hannah (Hannah-banana) is one of the very special “Littles” that likes to come out now. It took her a long time to understand that I am an adult now and that I can keep her safe. Once she realized that, she began to come out to share time with me. This where I struggle though. Being co-conscious sounds great but when you have a 3-year-old and a 46-year-old in the mind at the same moment, we swing from wanting to curl up in a little ball, hide or run away to a 46-year-old willing to offer protection. We can go from wanting to eat nothing but cookies for supper to understanding that cookies are only for treats. We walk through Wal-Mart and suddenly want a hippo (which she eventually got) while trying to fill an adult shopping list that doesn’t interest a young child AT ALL.

The same can be true no matter what the age of the Helper that I am trying to become co-conscious with. It is not just a matter of sharing some time. It is trying to adequately care for more than one set of needs at a time and it can be confusing. One of the older men who has decided to share time (co-consciousness) with me is Oscar. If you recall Oscar the grouch? That is how Oscar sees himself and it is the reason he has that name so it seems.  Being co-conscious with Oscar so far is better done while at home ALONE. I can not for a moment pretend that I do not swear (I do) but not harshly or directed at others. When we share time, I will be thinking about someone with kindness and Oscar is there saying “Oh just f*** off! Go away! I hate you! Brat! Idiot!…”. He is not very nice but I know he is that way for a reason and he needs to be heard too. That gruff manner is his way of creating distance between himself and the potential of being hurt.

I am sure that over time we will all get better at working together and finding ways to behave in socially appropriate ways. It just takes time. I am hoping to find a way to do a blog or two next week while being co-conscious with another Helper so that they can express what they feel that they need to say. This site is half theirs after-all. 🙂

Have a great weekend! See you on Monday!

Dissociative Identity Disorder

I thought it might be wise to go back to a topic I covered almost 2 years ago. The basics of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I have a lot more readers now (YAY!) and new friends whom don’t really understand DID. No criticism here at all. Before I was diagnosed with it, I knew as close to nothing as one could get.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is portrayed in the media as some sort of wacky, wild, really cool to watch phenomenon. If that isn’t their angle? They are usually discussing the controversy of the diagnoses. I hope that if I share what it means to me, it will take some of the confusion out of it and hopefully inspire some understanding.

Everyone has multiple personalities/identities. Even you.
If you stop to think about it, you are not really the same person when you are out with your friends as you would be if you were out with your children. You are different with your spouse than you would be with your parents. You can become the professional at work then transform to a carefree spirit when you go out for an evening with your best buddy. Even your pets get a different side of you.

If you think of your own life thus far, I am sure that who you were as a child is quite different from who you became as a teenager and then that teen became a young adult. Eventually you grew past the age of being a young adult and perhaps started making some more adult decisions like getting married or having children. You continue even now to mature and change with each passing year. Ask someone who’s in their 60’s and they will tell you that they are very different from who they were at 30 and few 50 somethings that I know are still acting as though they are 20.

The difference between you and all your sides/personalities are that they know each other. Each part knows what the other was up to and went through. Who you are right now knows what you have done good or bad over the course of your lifetime. Not perfect memories of every little thing but you have the big picture. At 40, you can recall being a teenager especially as your own teenagers are now giving you the same hassles you once gave to your parents. There is an easy flow of communication between these parts of you.

When you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, this ability to easily communicate is severed or severely affected. It is like growing up and the 4-year-old you doesn’t know the 5-year-old you. Each one is compartmentalized in a separate box and each box is locked. Usually this is caused when there is trauma so severe and so constant that the host could not have survived psychologically without creating a very handy coping tool. Rather than being totally overwhelmed by what is going on and absorbing all that trauma by oneself, some children unknowingly begin to dissociate. This is a very clever secret door that a traumatized mind is able to create to help survive the fear and pain.

Sadly, if dissociations happen regularly and a total “split” occurs, the child will have very few memories of this age. Good or bad. If the trauma continues for many years, these splits can happen over and over. The biggest difference between a dissociative mind and one that has not needed to develop this skill to survive is the ability to recall life in an orderly fashion.

This issue of segregated memories is used to help diagnose cases of DID. When I am asked to give a family history or a history of even my past week, it can be very confusing for me. I don’t always recall who came in to our lives or who went and and when. I have years of missing time scattered throughout my life so I can occasionally recall moving to a new home but not recall leaving it or I could suddenly be in a new home and not recall leaving the last one. People with DID need to constantly juggle what they know with what they can’t recall.

People with DID, myself included often have very large chunks of their life missing. One dissociative part of me from when I was 4 might not even know about me or any other parts. For 43 years I did not consciously know about any of my other parts but most of them knew me. They did not all know about each other though. Some did, some didn’t, some parts formed groups, some stayed isolated, some even thought that they were the only one. They seemed to not even realize that there was me.

These parts and pieces of my life have a very chaotic order to them and they almost all are still the ages that they were when they came to being. This is where it gets really hard for me. That silent 3-year-old that needs to be held and hugged is always 3 and always needs to be held and hugged long after it is “appropriate” to want this from those around her. I can and I do try to take time to fill those needs if I can but I have a LOT of Helpers and taking care of each one would be 3 full-time jobs at this point.

I really like this graphic as a way to explain what I am trying to share here.

For me this happened 34 times. For a long time I only heard 3 but that was when I was still assuming I was psychotic or just truly bat shit crazy. In time, with a great deal of support and compassion, I allowed myself to begin to hear others and there are 34 in total that have made their presence known. I don’t know them all yet and I don’t have all of their memories.

I work daily on hearing them, finding out what their needs are and trying my best to fulfill those needs. I feel as though when parts of me feel heard and hopefully healed as much as possible, they can get a well deserved break from needing to protect me from what they deem as dangers. This will reduce the “need” for dissociations.

I am not a professional with all this nor do I have all the answers. I am learning day by day and sometimes I get it all very wrong. I’ve been able to help my Helpers at times while hurting them at others. I am working at it though. Every day.
One day I hope that my 4-year-old will know my 6-year-old. My teenagers will know the adults and the adults can allow me to take care of my daily needs without whisking me away. I will not integrate them, I just want us all to communicate more easily with each other rather than living in all these separate locked boxes. My goal is to find peace.

Heather’s Helpers

I keep saying that I will share more about my Helpers and then I don’t. It has been a huge hurdle for me to be willing to share them with others after working so hard to hide them for over 40 years. I’ve decided to just share a list with ages, general personality traits, and when it is known, the reason why they appeared. I hope it does not overwhelm you. The list is long.

Hannah
3 years old.
Speaks in babyish sentences.
Likes to draw with crayons.
Tends to hide under beds, in closets and under tables.
Hannah is TERRIFIED of mom.

Jayden
4 years old.
Jayden and Jocelyn are together a lot.
Heather was made to look boyish when she was first sold out and Jayden took the abuse that came along with that.
He’s a very quiet little boy.
Jayden loves to play with trucks and sand.

Jocelyn
4 years old.
Jocelyn is very shy and refuses eye contact.
She is completely silent and appeared to come to being when Heather was sold to one man in particular who got very rough and threatening.
Being called “Kiddo” is her biggest trigger.

Gracie
5 years old.
Perky but fairly quiet.
Gracie loves to draw and is eager to write short letters.
She enjoys the other little ones and seems happy but she is quite afraid of Rielyn.

Marley
5 years old.
Marley is silent and scared at all times. She feels sick almost all the time as well.
She was the first one that got threatened with a gun and she handled all gun incidents in childhood from then on.
She wants to be a writer and tries to express herself that way.
Marley handled the schooling until Quinn took over.

Kalen
5 years old.
Kalen hated school and let Marley do it all while he enjoyed recess and gym for her.
Kalen was quite a good runner and could occasionally avoid a beating by being too fast to catch.
He’s a quiet guy but will answer when spoken to.

Quinn
7 years old.
Quinn is quite chatty and not afraid to speak her mind.
She is responsible for almost a full year while Heather was gone.
Quinn is not willing to listen to Rielyn which is VERY rare.
Quinn is also known to let some very inappropriate “F bombs” drop.
Quinn was balsy enough to stand up to mom and this did not go well at all.
A full 2 years of mom trying to find clever ways to kill her began because of both Quinn and Heather speaking out together.

Landon
7 years old.
Great in school when Heather couldn’t concentrate or was dealing with the side effects of whatever the current toxic cocktail from mom was.
Landon dealt with the hospitalizations twice and was able to trick the doctors in to longer stays so he could eat real food and talk to the adults.

Peyton
7 years old.
Silent and very sad.
Peyton was the janitors main victim.
Peyton and Heather though that he loved them but he was only a predator.
Peyton feels stupid for being duped.

Ayanna
8 years old.
Ayanna is full of fear.
Yellow stars are a huge trigger.
Ayanna is also in pain at all times and it feels like it is still happening now. Not only in the past.
She feels that she will never be free.

Izabelle
9 years old.
She remembers trying to commit suicide several times. She was the first to try.
Izabelle was the first to be taken for a full week one Christmas after school letting out for the holidays. She had to work really hard with Heather to live through it.
Izabelle was the first Helper to realize that staying silent wasn’t going to work any longer amongst her friends so she began to lie about what she’d done that Christmas and all the gifts that she got. This devastated her. Lying felt horrible.

Tilly ( means “strong in war”)
11 years old.
Tilly and Heather were the one who were pregnant.
Tilly did most of the closet time while Heather handled the starvation.
They took turns with the labour because it lasted so long and they were so afraid.
Tilly was the one to give birth but Heather was co-conscious to see their baby being murdered. They stayed co-conscious after that for many months to help each other get through it and get back to work despite major physical damage.

~~~ More than a full year is missing from the time Heather and Tilly buried their baby until well over a year later. Roughly March 1981 until September of 1982. It is an assumption that there was no single Helper that took this time as no one lays claim to it but we believe that all Helpers created so far helped make it through that time without missing a beat. The Helpers all seem to feel that this was the year that Rielyn came into being and took over the reins. A strong leader was needed. ~~~

Bailey
14 years old.
Very suicidal and tried to find effective ways but never had enough time alone.
Bailey was the first Helper to speak out to a counselor at school and not only tell little tidbits. She told the whole story over the course of an afternoon. Heather had tried and failed many times over the past 8-10 years but Bailey felt that she would be heard.
The counselor told Bailey she would help in any way she could… right before calling Judy/mom and telling her that Heather needed help for all the lies she was telling. Bailey never spoke up again and still holds her silence now. 31 years later.

Jenna
14 years old.
Jenna is the main self harming Helper though she’s been excellent (harm free) for almost 2 years now thanks to the tattoo pact she made with Heather.
Jenna is just mad. Furious with the world. She sees life as a series of letdowns.
Jenna has not harmed in 2 years but she still really wants to and tries to change the deal she made with Heather almost constantly.

Gage
16 years old.
Gage is the first real protector and he’s a scrappy fighter. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty.
Gage handled a few of the rougher clients in very decidedly harsh ways.
Gage still holds the will and the want to cause harm to those that hurt Heather or his fellow Helpers.
Monster mom has come very close to being on the end of his last nerve and it wouldn’t be a pretty site if she ever stepped over that last nerve without Gage being stopped by Rielyn, Heather, friend Mary, Lenny and many of the other Helpers.

Kiah
16 years old.
She is the one that made many of the plans to run away to Europe..
She was the one that goes to downtown Toronto to get the Visa to go to France.
Heather dealt with the schooling side of it all and convinced the teachers that her parents were totally on board but too busy with the jobs to come in to the school.
Kiah forged all the paperwork.
Kiah was the first one to get other Helpers to work with her to achieve a common goal. Raising close to $1,000 to buy the airline ticket through each Helper finding clever ways to make or find money that would not be missed. It took many months but they did it. Grandma Peggy helped silently by being the holder of the money.

Maisy
18 years old.
Maisy was responsible for almost all the sex work while in Europe so Heather could continue her schooling by correspondence.
She stayed responsible for the sex in a large part until Heather was in her 40’s.
She likes younger men and to party. Staying in a committed relationship is very hard on her.

Max
22 years old.
Max is a soldier.
Max is definitely a protector and would do anything at all to protect the system but he‘s also very sensitive and being liked is important to him. Just don’t piss him off.
He has very high morals and expects a lot from himself. Perhaps a little too much.

Zinnia
24 years old.
Helped get away from their first husband Richard.
Found “creative” ways to make money to support Heather’s young children.
Zinnia is still able to be very creative with money and can make a dollar stretch in 10 different ways. Heather is the same way so they work well together and they have a lot of comfort in life that they would never have if they had not been so careful.

Tate
25 years old.
Tate is a lover, not a fighter.
He’s quiet and loves philosophical discussions.
Tate feels that he may be gay but does not want his reasons written here. We respect that.

Lincoln
25 years old.
Lincoln is Tate’s twin.
Lincoln is a music lover and plays many instruments beautifully.
He enjoys the same sort of philosophical discussions and Tate but his views are a bit more left wing in his views.

Alayna
27 years old.
Helped Heather navigate a new relationship and took responsibility for any sex that Maisy did not want to do.
Alayna is quite curt and tends to appear rude. She’s tactless.
Alayna was the first one to sing in public as an adult. She has a beautiful voice.

Sawyer
28 years old.
Another very scrappy Helper. He’s caused a lot of damage in the past and would also love a chance to have a go at Heathers mother.  Rielyn is very careful to keep him under wraps as much as possible.
Sawyer has planned ways that he would torture Judy much like she tortured Heather and the other little ones. This is very scary and makes Heather fear losing control at any time.
Heather has asked Rielyn if anger management might help but nothing has been worked out because Rielyn quite likes having a couple of smoking guns just in case they are ever REALLY needed.

Eve
In her 30’s.
Eve is the Mamma of the group. She helped raise the children and helped reduce the level of traumatic reactions while parenting for Heather.
Eve protected the kids at all times from any Helper out to cause problems while they were around. She is the ultimate mother hen.
She is having more trouble than anyone right now with the kids all being gone and not having contact. It’s been horrible for her and it is the first time in her life she has not wanted to continue living.

Owen
39 years old.
Owen is fiercely protective of the whole system but he is much more mature and calm in his reactions. He prefers to try to work things out rather than go off like a stick of dynamite.
Owen often takes over Lenny’s house chores when Lenny goes away to work or Lenny isn’t home for some reason.
Owen seems to have trauma of his own but he never discusses it. Heathers only guess is to wonder if he tried to rescue her from the rape out in the oil camps but ended up taking some of the abuse himself. That is only a guess though. Someone professional should ask him.

Rielyn ( means “dominant leader”)
Of course a name meaning “dominant leader” would be Rielyn’s name of choice. It suits her perfectly.
Rielyn is the only one that ages along with Heather.
Rielyn is responsible for just about everything.
She decides who comes out and when.
She decides how long they stay out and what Heather will be allowed to know of that missing time.
Rielyn also decides who Heather is friends with, who she accepts as a therapist, how much she allows others to know about Heather and the Helpers… she even decides what Heather will wear, eat and where she may go. There is a constant nattering between Rielyn and Heather. Now that Heather is stronger, she’s wanting to make more decisions but Rielyn is not accustomed to allowing anyone else to “drive”. It has been a long and tedious struggle over the past couple of years but Rielyn and Heather are getting in to a better rhythm now. Heather handles a LOT more now but Rielyn always has her finger on the eject button.
It is VERY rare for anyone to notice if Rielyn is out. She acts almost exactly like Heather in order to purposefully pull off a switch without anyone being aware of it. Even Heather often isn’t aware it has happened.
There is no really clear memory if Rielyn not being in Heathers life although she became a constant companion after Julie died when they were 19. Heather began to think that the voice she heard was her sister Julie and treated her as such. This gave Rielyn a lot of power that she may not have otherwise had.
Heather and Rielyn chat all day and often long in to the night. Getting Rielyn to shut up is why Heather needs such a high dose of Quetiapine. It is the only thing that helps quiet Rielyn’s constant chatter, orders, and strongly worded opinions.

Sienna
48 years old.
Very quiet and calm. Sienna is the one that keeps Heather look calm when Heather really wants to bolt or freak out.
Sienna is the epitome of calmness in a storm and grace under pressure.  She’s had a lot to cover for over the years.

Hudson
49 years old.
Hudson is an artist. He draws with pencils for the most part and seems to draw trees, eyes in death or pictures of Marcus quite often.
His favourite poem is “The Mighty Oak”
Hudson quite often deals with people who stand behind Heather in public places. He always has her back.

Valyn
56 years old..
Valyn just wants everyone to get along. She doesn’t want arguments, racism, hatred, misunderstandings, heated discussions… that stuff just freaks her out and makes her feel very unsafe.
Valyn can not understand why we just can’t all get along.
Valyn is very dedicated to Buddhism and knows a lot about it. She is Heather’s moral compass much of the time although Heather needs very little prompting to do the right thing.

Tucker
60 years old.
Tucker comes off as a gruff, tough old bugger but he’s really a sweetheart.
The gruff exterior does a good job of scaring many older men away and this is very helpful to the whole system.
Tucker loves a good strong drink now and then and can not understand why having one is so hard on Heather. It is a bit of an issue at times especially when a drink would be socially acceptable.

Margot
75 years old.
Margo is the Mamie (Grandmother) of the group.
Very little was known about Margot until recently but she fashions herself to be much like Heathers Grandmother Margaret (Peggy). Hence the choice of name “Margot”. She is very French and speaks only in French to Heather or others. Her choices of names “Margot” and “Mamie” both reflect her French background.
Margot loved living in France and enjoyed her time in sunflower fields. She’d buy bread and cheese then go to a field to sleep at night. The sunflower fields felt very safe.
Margot would like to be much more of a Mamie to the little ones.

Oscar
80 years old.
Oscar chose his name based on Oscar the Grouch.
Oscar is a grumpy old fuddy-duddy and he has been VERY rude to Heather in the past but now that she listens to him only when he is being polite, there has been a real shift. He hates to be ignored.
Recently Oscar has shown an interest in the little ones and has been caught giving them candies or making faces at them.
Heather asked Oscar if he’d like to be a Papie to the little ones and he was gruff about it at first but now Margot is encouraging him to help her and I feel he very well might step in to that role which would be fantastic for all concerned.

Adeline
88 years old but full of spunk.
Formerly known as “Aggie”, a mean-spirited, vile, abusive, older Helper, Adeline wanted to choose a more beautiful name to go along with the changes she is trying to make to become a nicer and more helpful Helper. Adeline and Margot are close friends and if Margot wishes to become more of a grandmother to the young ones, Adeline needs to calm her jets. The little ones were always afraid of her and still are.
Adeline tries to explain that her rough exterior was her way to keep people away from Heather as she feels Heather is far too nice to remain safe on her own. She offers an olive branch to be forgiven for the trouble she caused.

Tara
Tara is ageless with the wisdom to match.
In Buddhism, Tara is the female symbol/priestess of compassion.
Tara is trying to teach all of the helpers how to find more compassion within themselves and she spends a lot of time trying to offer this to Heather as well.

Alden ( means “wise old protector”)
Alden is much like Tara. Ageless and wise.
He seems to hold a special place in his heart for each Helper and is a constant companion to them in times of great strife.
Alden is the only one other than Rielyn that knows everything that happened throughout the years.
He seems to pray on a regular basis but doesn’t seem attached to any Church based religions. Perhaps it is a spirituality that he hold dear.

Helpers

What a week I’ve had here! How has yours been?
I have been very busy each day so I am grateful for a chance to sit down to write a blog and relax a bit. I hope you’ll enjoy sitting down for a bit while you read it.

I haven’t discussed the Helpers in quite some time because I’ve been going through a very uncertain time with them and felt it was time for that side of my life to be private for a while. I think we all needed it.

On Wednesday I was in to see my therapist and what a wacky session it was from my point of view. I’ll have to ask her how it was for her when I see her next week. I try very, very hard not to dissociate while there but at times it is impossible. Wednesday was just such a day. I arrived for my appointment feeling the anxiety of at least a dozen parts of myself. A man answered his phone in the waiting room and I nearly jumped out f my skin. Doesn’t everyone know that silence and complete stillness is a good thing? 😉

It wasn’t even just Wednesday. It’s been at least a week now of odd feelings and confusion that has not existed in a very long time. An urge to self harm, drink, drive off the road, say a hearty “F*** YOU” to anyone who was even looking at me. I guarantee you that these are not traits of mine alone. I know the Helpers that feel these ways and want these things. I do my best to give them what they need so that the destructive side of them will be calmed down and we can live life the way we have all chosen to live it. The trouble is that I am sometimes not in a good place to be giving much to them if I am having a hard time myself.
We have made it through the week without any “maladaptive” behaviours but I am quite frankly exhausted from holding it all back. Only 2 more really busy days and then a day off. A much-needed day off.

I have been working for the past few months to create some co-consciousness with my Helpers. If you are unfamiliar with that term (as I was until rather recently), co-consciousness is having awareness of another part and if all goes really well, working with that part/Helper to deal with issues together. It is not integration or becoming one. It is more like both being in the room at the same time. Some people seem to have this ability or skill right off the bat but for me? When my Helpers are out, I am not. I had no clue what they were up to. I am hoping that developing some co-consciousness will help us work together in a smoother fashion.

While at my appointment, my therapist seemed to know that it was not “Heather” who arrived at the appointment and she was partially right. I felt like I was there with a half-dozen others and all their feelings were all over the place. A little closer to the end of the appointment, she asked me how the little ones felt about her retirement in June. The adult Heather (me) has been taking it really well. Almost too well. When she asked how the little ones felt about it, I felt this overwhelming presence of the little ones. They did not take over but their obvious distress was felt full force by me. They/I began to cry and feel heartbroken. We were suddenly very little again. I felt them. Small, scared, heartbroken, wanting to be held and hugged, wanting a real mother, and such a huge amount of loss.

I take my therapy very seriously and I have promised myself to always be willing to go wherever I need to go for healing to take place. It does not matter how painful it is. I truly feel that things hurt more when left to fester inside and are worth the discomfort of allowing them to come out.
That said? On Wednesday? I wanted to beg my therapist to stop. It just hurt SO MUCH. I felt like I couldn’t possibly take it for even one more moment. I held on though and still feel like I was kicked in the gut.

I am sorry if todays blog is a bit disjointed but I am dealing with a lot of Helpers still today. Co-consciousness is my goal but getting there is going to be a very bumpy road. I’d actually love to hear from others who have either tried to develop this skill, already have it and how you control it, or those whom support others through it. Do you have any advice for me? Tips and tricks that could help me or others whom read my blog?

I really hope that you have a great weekend and I think that next week I am going to try to let a few of the Helpers lead the blog for that day. Who knows? It might even happen. *laugh*

As a parting note. For those of you whom are newer to my blog, I wanted to post the quote that gave me the inspiration to call my other parts “Helpers”. A positive quote and a positive connotation for my Helpers.

 

Dirty word of the day: Integration

I know this will be a controversial post for some people. Many medical professionals do not agree with my views… which is fine because I do not agree with  theirs. 😉 Joking aside, many doctors, therapists, and even some people within the dissociative identity disorder (DID) community feel that integration is the holy grail of healing persons from DID.
To me? Integration is a dirty word.

If you have not read this blog before, I call my “alters”, my Helpers. Hence the name of the blog. 😉

Even now while writing this, I can feel my inner world starting to freak out. Anxiety, worry, a wish to run away, feeling overwhelmed, getting angry… that is what my Helpers deal with every time this word is said. I feel it too. Big time. I feel totally in control today and I am always out front when writing but I can still feel the weight of inner feelings especially when they are shaken up.

I can not speak for everyone else out there but I can speak for myself and I will express how I personally feel about the issue of integration. If you disagree, I’d love for you to write a blog on it and forward it on to me. I’d love to read other opinions. 🙂

Having DID is not easy. Every situation that happens garners my own emotions but then the Helpers step in with theirs as well. Have you ever been at a big get-together and try to get everyone to stop and listen to you? Can you imagine trying to come to agreements about certain important issues? There will be as many opinions as their are people. DID is a lot like that every day.
That said? Some of the same people who may drive you batty would also rush to your aid if you suddenly collapsed or started having real troubles coping. DID is a lot like that too.

I believe that my Helpers started coming in to existence between the ages of 2 and 4. I know for sure there were several there when I was 4 and 5 but I have a feeling they were there earlier. For me? I’ve never had a life without my Helpers in it. For the purpose of this blog, I will set aside all the confusion and thinking I saw dead people and just discuss my view since being properly diagnosed.

As much as life with DID can get hectic, I am never bored and never lonely. I have company at all times and honestly? I am not sure I’d enjoy life so much without it. I was once on medication that made them almost silent (and made me a zombie) and that was a very sad and lonely time for me. I am also ALWAYS full of ideas for new things and ways to use things that I myself may have never thought of.

I also have a huge issue with integrating these people whom I have come to view as such a big part of my life. Who do I get rid of first? Little “Hannah Banana”? My ever faithful sidekick Rielyn? Old man Oscar? Tilly who helped me birth a baby when I was too young to mentally handle it on my own? I am sorry but full integration is never going to happen because each of these Helpers are important to me as individuals.

I am also very aware that each of them is a part of me. A very compartmentalized part of me but still essentially “me”. While it would be all neat and tidy to roll the Helpers and I in to one person, I honestly feel I would end up completely overwhelmed. At least right now there is separation between all these opinions and emotions.

So what do I want? What do I feel is healthy?
Teamwork.
Rather than working on getting each Helper to integrate, I spend that time trying to work out the kinks in our relationships and certain actions. I will use Jenna as an example. She was always having issues with self harm and quite often these “events” were incredibly scary. I still have many scars. Trying to integrate her causes panic, more dissociation and more self harm. Working out a deal between us was FAR more productive. Jenna admitted in writing and through art that she often used self harm not only as a release but also in trying to fix old scars. A deal was made that if there was no self harm for 6 months, we would get a tattoo to cover one set of scars. 6 months later was another tattoo to cover more. Jenna LOVES her tattoo’s and I love them too. She found a new strength during a year of no self harming that she still possesses today. Integration made her run away and refuse help but making a deal with her stopped the harmful behavior and allowed me to take care of her.

One by one, we work out deals. We make rules that certain age groups MUST follow. No one under 18 drives. No one under 18 signs important documents. Only I (Heather) goes to therapy. If anyone has a concern, they can write it down and I will take care of it or help them with it. There are a few other rules that are for safety, friendship, being creative and so forth. These rules are enough for me to feel good about my team of Helpers.

There will always be mess ups, uncomfortable situations, missing time, forgotten occasions and other issues that persons with DID have but would full integration solve all of these issues? And what about all the PTSD triggers they help me through? How often I would have fled out of a movie theater, ran my car off the road at a fright, been unable to function at social events before I was able to stay more present? My life would have been far worse. I am sure of it. My Helpers came in to being for excellent reasons and I do not wish to thank them by making them null and void.  Also, I am aware of 34 Helpers… integration could or would take FOREVER. I’d rather live my life with my team. They help me and I help them. For me personally? That is enough.

Rules

Blessings and Curses

Welcome to 2016 everyone! I know I wrote a 2016 post but I also took a week off from blogging. It was really nice and it helped me just think about some new topics and allow myself to just be creative. Since starting this blog, I’ve never taken a week off and considering how often I tell you all to take time for yourselves….. 😉

First may I say how happy I am that Christmas is over? I know from all the emails, shares and comments to my “Trauma and Christmas” post that I am absolutely not alone. It is nice to feel less alone but also sad to know so many of us find Christmas as well as many other holidays very difficult.
Are you okay now?
Did you manage to find ways to take care of yourself?
Please just know that you were all in my mind.

This was a really weird Christmas and New Years for me. I was struck how my thoughts and feelings were pointed one way and yet the other way all at the same time. If there is a way to go north AND south in the same moment? I did it over the past 2 weeks.
One situation that came up over and over in my mind was how often the very things that I counted as my blessings were also my curses. Isn’t it strange how the same thing that makes you happy in one moment is also what makes you sad in the next? Do you find that at times?

One example for me this year (and it was a big one)… my kids.
On one side it was so much easier to plan for Christmas. I was able to give my husband a nice gift which never used to happen because we were always so tight to the wire with 3 children. We travelled locally when we felt like it and didn’t need to worry about rushing home to make supper or taking a child to a friend’s house. It was a much cheaper, easier, and for the lack of money only, less stressful.
On the other hand? Not having them around was so hard. There were more tears than I could count and a moment of pure happiness was often followed by incredible grief.

My own biological family is another example. My mother does not like me and never loved me (her exact words) so that counts her out. My father knows about and admitted to ignoring the abuse I suffered only to phone me 3 hours later calling me a sociopath and telling me that calling the cops would be a terrible idea for me. My siblings are either gone to the other side or to a life so filled with alcohol and drugs that they in any way that matters, are really gone too.
I am happy that I found the courage to leave all that behind and begin a life that is so much more positive. The life I have now is a healthy one. That makes me so very happy. I love the life that I have now and I am happier in my own skin than I have been in a long, long time. Probably ever. This is such a HUGE blessing…
… and a curse because even though I KNOW they are not good for me, that they are sick in many ways and I am better off without them in my life? I miss having my own family at Christmas more than any other time of year. Christmas is all about families, memories made now and chatting about memories from years ago. It just makes me really sad.
This year I really grieved too, I just wanted (in all honesty, still want) a mom and dad that loved me. Not MY real parents but I just wonder what it feels like to be taken in to a mothers or fathers arms and know that you are loved and that you are safe without condition. What does it feel like to know that you have parents that love you? It must feel really good. Do people ever adopt 45 year olds? ❤

Then there is my past. What a bang up job people did to make my life hell. My mother was the ringleader but there were hundreds upon hundreds of others that were right in there with her.
I spoke about this a bit in my post “A Beautiful Disaster” but it is worth saying again in my opinion…
Without all that abuse and those memories plus being diagnosed with DID and being treated for PTSD? I wouldn’t have this blog. I wouldn’t have the same compassion for others that I do now. I really “get it” when someone tells me that they had a hard life. I wouldn’t be running a support group and I wouldn’t have my art. All 3 began as a direct result of my past. For as much as my abuse took from me, it also made me who I am now and it is responsible for my livelihood.
I know I’d have a different, maybe better life if it all had not happened but would I appreciate it as much as I do now? I doubt it.

In the end it all goes back to my belief that a situation is rarely what you think it is. Your perception can cloud even the smallest issue and make it feel huge. It can work the other way too. I know when bad things happen, I usually don’t react at all. My perception due to my past is that there are FAR worse things in life.
My issues lately can be seen in a good light, a bad light or both. It is all about the perception that I have that day or that moment.
Maybe that is how life is really supposed to be in the first place?
Good AND bad.
Happy AND sad.
Up, down, AND all around.

We never really need to label events in our life at all because our curses can also be our blessings.

Following the leader. ~Rielyn~

Some of you will recall me speaking about “Julie” in past blogs. “Julie” is my main Helper. The leader of the pack. “Julie” has decided that she no longer wishes to be called Julie. That was never her name but due to my emotional attachment to the name we bartered for a bit of time so I could get accustomed to the idea. I am very grateful for that time. It helped me a lot. That said? I must introduce you all to Rielyn. This is Helper “Julie’s” real name. Her choice.

Rielyn means “Dominant Leader” which amuses me greatly. Rielyn is most certainly the dominant leader of all my Helpers. She holds a very special place in our lives and she carries a huge amount of responsibility with the precision of a military strategist.

Rielyn is the only Helper that ages along with me. Everyone else stays the same age no matter how many years pass. I am not totally sure when she really came in to being but I don’t ever recall a time when she wasn’t there. Her position of power really took hold after my sister Julie died. In assuming that Rielyn was my sister Julie speaking to me from beyond the grave, I gave Rielyn A LOT of power. She has never misused that power though. She doesn’t always make the right decisions but she always makes them with the best of intentions. That is all we can ask of anyone isn’t it?

A little more about our main gal. 🙂
Rielyn decides who comes out, when they come out and when they retreat again. If you are ever in my presence and I am hopelessly lost in a dissociation, it is Rielyn you need to speak to. I am completely unaware of anything that is going on while she watches and controls every moment.
Rielyn deals with issues swiftly and powerfully. When she decides something, you are following that path. Period. You know how you could goof off in many of your school classes but there was always that one teacher who you just never messed with? Rielyn is just that sort of person. I respect that in her even if she could do a lesson or two in tactfulness just to smooth the edges a bit.

For anyone unfamiliar with Dissociative Identity Disorder, most systems have a leader of some sort. Not all but most. I will try to explain what I understand about how and why DID exists in some of us.
Identities are most often created during times of unbearable abuse. The Level of trauma is so high that survival is almost always uncertain. Different sorts of Helpers are created depending on what is needed. This explains why women can have male alters and vice-versa. Even though I am a woman, there are certain times where a male personality is better suited to deal with a situation. A male may be created to handle a situation where a man may have more control or be able to act in a way that is unacceptable for a woman. (I am 45, not 25 so the rules and gender identity are very different these days although I am sure most systems have men and women.)

Rielyn was very likely created during a time that was just too unbearable to recall. I do think that I had several Helpers before Rielyn came along but perhaps those Helpers needed someone to run the show. Maybe they were disorganized or finding it hard to know what to do? I have no memory of this tie so I am really just guessing here but I have learned that almost every Helpers has a reason for being. Rielyn is a born leader so I believe she was created to do just that.
Her place in my system is to keep everyone on track. Me included.
If she sees a trigger coming or happening, she will often whisk me away before it even begins.
If I am having too many nightmares, she will eventually bring in a Helpers to sleep the rest of the night for me.
If I need to be alone in a place that makes me nervous, she will send out an older male.
I know that Rielyn stays out of my therapy for the most part but if the therapist gets too close to something that Rielyn doesn’t feel I can handle, she will take over and steer the conversation away from that topic before sending me back in.
Rielyn just knows what is needed and when so she makes it all happen.

I think my biggest challenge amongst my Helpers is to get Rielyn to loosen the reins a bit and let me handle more situations on my own. It has to be hard for her after I leaned so heavily on her for so long. I guess it is a bit of a dance between us. We just need to learn the steps.

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning a bit more about my main gal. 🙂

DID and the “Helpers” 101

Finding out that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) was a shock. That sentence doesn’t come even half-arsed close to how overwhelming the diagnoses was. To be honest? Almost 3 years later? I still feel shocked. I still wonder if it is really true. I don’t need society to not believe in DID, many people who truly have it can find it hard to believe.

I look back now and laugh a little bit at what I thought was wrong with me. I was depressed, suicidal, silent, in incredibly emotional pain and constantly hurting from “phantom” pains that I could not explain. I remember being sent to Homewood (the hospital PTSD program I was admitted to in January 2013) and being 99% certain that if they actually knew what I was thinking? I’d be put in a locked and heavily padded cell and never let out again.

I heard voices. LOTS of voices. How did I explain that to myself? I was certain that I had a connection to the afterlife that was so strong that I could hear their wishes, wants and frustrations.
I saw hallucinations. I explained that away by assuming that was also my dead loved ones coming back to see me but looking different from how they did on earth.
I do believe that I have a strong connection to those who have passed and I believe spiritually that they never really leave us but this was way deeper than that.

Something a lot of people do not realize is that people who have DID are usually the last to know about it. We don’t go to our doctors assuming that we have this obscure diagnoses. We go because we are confused, we miss time, we feel “pulled” in many differing emotional directions about a singular event.
I had all this but I really believed with all my heart that my true diagnoses when they figured it all out would be “Batsh*t Crazy”. I am not joking. I was either insane, had a brain tumour or I was just plain batsh*t crazy. I assumed it was door #3.

It took me a long time to accept the diagnoses. I believed the doctors and nurses. They were professionals with YEARS of dedicated service to people with severe PTSD. I believed them but I didn’t believe in “it”.
Wasn’t Dissociative Identity Disorder” a crock of poop?
Wasn’t it a clever way used by monsters to beat a murder conviction?
Sybil was a majorly popular movie and book that saw the diagnoses of DID skyrocket only to later learn that none of her story was true.
I checked out the YouTube channels of persons claiming to have DID and while I can not say if they are being truthful or not, they present wildly differently than I do. I am not dressed like a street-walker with heavy make-up one minute and then suddenly call for a “switch” like you would in a game and suddenly this male person would appear. Off comes the make-up, up goes the hair, out comes a deep voice… Perhaps this is how it goes for them but for me and other people I have met with DID, it is far less flashy.
I am not one to say who is telling the truth or not and that is not what I mean here. I am just saying that how many people portray it is exactly opposite to how I experience it.

DID for me is smoother. One Helper can flow in as another flows out. I come back out front and no one around me even realizes that I have been gone. Heck, sometimes I don’t realize that I’ve been gone.
Have you ever been listening to someone and suddenly your mind drifts to something else you need to think about? Suddenly they ask you a question and you have NO CLUE what they are talking about? For me DID is much more like that except it is not me daydreaming or thinking of some other chore on my list. It is a Helper coming in for some reason and leaving when they feel I am safe again. I have no memory of any thoughts at all while I am gone.

When I did eventually believe I had DID… basically because everyone who knew me had the same reaction to the diagnoses “Oh THAT is what it is!” and my very quiet and sweet husband said in an unusually stern voice, “Seriously Heather. Accept it. You have it.” that I finally accepted the professionals were right.
It was made much easier by having so many people who saw it in me and knew it was true. It really helped me a lot.

So why the name “Helpers” for my alters (other than I strongly dislike the word “alters” for some reason.)?
Well… that is easy. I have a very firm belief that the only reason why I am alive today is because I had the Helpers to help me throughout my life. Without them absorbing some of the trauma, I would not be able to bear it all by myself. I believe in large part, I have DID to thank for that. I don’t bear my trauma alone. My Helpers carry it with me. It is still a heavy load but being able to share it is a blessing. Not the curse that I once envisioned it to be.
They are my Helpers because they helped me to survive.

It is also very important that they are looked at in a positive light. There are other names that just don’t give me a positive vibe. I find that professionals also tend to speak about other identities as though they are a dirty word. They are something to be erased. Integration is often the goal. In my case? Erasing the parts of me that helped my survive is the last thing I want to do.
I am out front almost all the time now. I have more say in how my Helpers behave. As a team, we’ve overcome some huge obstacles and we work better together now. I can regain control while still being thankful and respectful to those that helped me the most.

I am going to talk a bit more about my Helpers next week. Who they are, what they handle, why they take over, and how they have changed over the past 3 years now that they have me accepting them and making a place for them in my life.

I hope you all have a great weekend whether you live alone in your mind or carry a crew with you every place you go. Hugs all! ❤

A Beautiful Disaster

I am sitting here with my mind banging around all over the place.
Somewhat like the “Scrambler” at the fair.
I’ve been doing a lot of work recently with my Helpers and though much of it is going well, I am overwhelmed by their sheer numbers and how many needs need to be accommodated or heard. They are not overwhelming me individually but it feels a bit like I am at a large family party and everyone is talking to me about totally different subjects within a very short period of time.

In this head space, I feel overwhelmed and for a moment, I tried to imagine my life without my Helpers.

Let us assume for a moment that I had a regular childhood.
My mother and father loved me, fed me, clothed me, cared for my needs…
My siblings were treated well also.
I was not exposed to situations that no child should ever even be able to imagine, let alone live through.
I went to school daily and played with my friends in the evening after school. I had homework to do and I’d hate doing it just like all the other kids.
What if I’d only lived in a few homes rather than 32 and gone to schools like most children, changing when you age out of the last one rather than attending at least 16 schools in 12 years.
It does sound magical.

Then I stop and I think about that for a minute.
Who would I be?
If I’d lived a normal childhood, where would I be today? What would I be doing?

Some of the nicest things people have ever said to me have been a direct result of the life I lived.
This blog would have never been started.
I would not be doing my art.
I highly doubt that my career would have taken the same path.
I was able to offer my children and other loved ones a special compassion when they dealt with physical or mental illnesses because I know how devastating they can be.
I’ve made friends with people I would never have met if not for my PTSD and DID.

Isn’t it odd how we often pine for a life we never had yet if we stop to think about it, that life is what made us who we are today.
Would you give your life away? The life you have now?
I wouldn’t.
It is not an easy life but it was pointed out to me that persons who have suffered trauma’s (anything from childhood abuse to war to a health crisis etc), are much more resilient than people who have not.
I know for certain that it takes a LOT more to rattle my chains than my “non trauma” friends. I roll with the punches better and heal faster.

I am seriously just having a bit of a ramble here but you know what?
I would not change my life.
It is horrifying what I went through yet it is now over and I see the world from a vantage point that many people do not have. It makes me unique.
My friends can tell me anything and I have no negative reaction towards them because I have seen evil and know how to respond to it when it touches others.

And I smile. A lot. I like that about me. 🙂

Maybe, just maybe you can look back at all you’ve been through (everyone has their own cross to bear) and you can see how you’ve been enriched by what you’ve dealt with. Perhaps you are more compassionate or giving?

I am NOT saying that I’d go back and choose my life. No one would but it has happened and it is done now. It made me who I am today and thanks to many wonderful words of encouragement, I really like who I have become.
Do you like you?

Shame

I’m feeling a little off today. I had a great day at a fun craft fair (this was written on Sunday because I will be too busy to write this on Wednesday), I had good sales despite a very low turnout, I had some great conversations with other vendors and my work was complimented repeatedly. I feel like I SHOULD feel very happy about my day. The recipe for a good day was completed but somehow the directions were wrong. There is something missing.
I felt it all day.

Before going away for professional help in 2013, NO ONE knew my secrets. I mean no one. Not even one person in this world knew what happened except for me. Even the abusers only knew what they did. I never told one about another. I did try to get help but I would always fail/give up before hardly getting started. If someone doubts the first thing you tell them, you are very unlikely to tell them anything else. Without even realizing it, most adults unintentionally buy the silence of abused children by showing the smallest smidgen of doubt.
“Are you really sure this is what happened?”
“We don’t want to say anything untrue do we?”
“It’s very important that you tell me the truth here.”
If anything even remotely like this is said? We fear not being believed and if we are not believed then we put ourselves at risk for further harm. We feel unsafe.
Silence is now bought and paid for.

After 2013, a very small group of people knew what happened to me. A VERY small group. My nurses in the hospital, a few trusted friends from within the Complex PTSD circles, a good friend and really no one else. Not even my own husband. It was enough though. At that time it felt so freeing just to have a few people know and still be silent with all others. In all truthfulness? That was the extent of my circle.

I still do not feel the need to expose all the “dirty little details” but I am starting to make friends with people outside my Complex PTSD friends and I feel like I am beginning to hide again. I admit to having PTSD but I never say why. I actually feel like I am starting to present myself as 2 very distinct people (and not in a dissociative way). I feel that I am not being truly authentic.

When I began this blog, I chose to not show my full name anywhere. Heather is my real first name and Helpers are my DID pals but my identity was otherwise rather well hidden.

Now there are people who know me personally who read this blog. They can go back and read  over my other posts and piece together little bits if they choose but in the spirit of being and staying positive, I never list details of anything that I’ve been through. I have no interest in changing that because I am VERY proud of this blogs reputation of being positive, informative and honest. Compliments that I hold near and dear to my heart and thank you to all who’ve said it. 🙂

So here is where I feel a bit weird. I am feeling a bit like I am keeping secrets from people. I am meeting all of these new people and I am presenting only one side of myself. The artistic, capable, social Heather. I like those parts of myself but I will admit that I’ve been too afraid to discuss my real diagnoses with anyone. I admit to the PTSD but never to the DID. I am so afraid that I will be viewed as a crackpot. I am afraid to lose these new friendships. I am afraid of losing their respect. Suddenly I am feeling as though I am only showing half of me because of my willingness to offer secrecy and silence due to the fear of being judged.

You see… DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a huge part of who I am. It affects my life on a daily basis. By not divulging it to those I am getting to know rather well, it can lead to misunderstandings, mistrust and even hurt feelings. If I do not allow people to know that I quite often just disappear then have no memory at all of that time, they can take my behavior or things said in the wrong way. Quite often people feel like I just don’t pay attention to them and that is so incredibly untrue. They feel ignored rather than understanding how deeply I dissociate.
If I was just choosing not to tell people and I felt good about it? That would be wonderful but I am choosing not to say anything due to fear.
Oh, let me just be honest. I feel ashamed.
The silence and secrecy that got me in to a terrible place in my past is sneaking back in insidiously because I am fighting shame.

There has to be a way to be authentic without scaring people away?
How do you keep the respect of others who really may not understand?
What do you do to avoid the feelings of shame if the answer is NOT breaking your silence?
Where on earth is that fine line? The balance?

I know for certain that I am not alone. I read these comments in my support group, in emails from others with DID, and discussions with doctors. Will there ever be a day when we will not feel the need to hide, be silent or feel so ashamed?

We are not broken people. We were broken by others. Why do we feel the shame and they do not?

I am sorry to leave this post off like this. I really like to end on a positive and helpful note but today I just do not feel that way at all. I promised to always offer you my honesty and for right now, this is where I am. Perhaps I needed to bare my soul so that others can as well? Who knows but there is always a reason for what I do even if I am not aware of what it is at the time. 😉

Thanks for listening.