Thank You!

Happy Friday everyone!

I realized two days ago that I have jumped over the 200 readers mark. (140 here and 42 on Tumblr) I know that compared to many blogs I read, that is a drop in the bucket but I am beyond thrilled. I wanted to stop and take a few moments to thank each and every one of you.

I’ve shared biology lessons, self care ideas, poems, snippets from my life and on a couple of occasions, I have shared my darkest days. Through it all, I get the most wonderful comments both on the blog and privately. I really do not have words to express that gratitude I feel.

I started this hoping I could help others and I hope I am doing that but I never realized just how much help and support I woudl receive in return. This past week was a fine example of that. Having a lot of issues with my never ending mother saga and my youngest daughter suddenly moving out, I felt like I was going to go truly crazy. I was SO CLOSE to the edge. My husband was the first to help and also shared my suffering. It is his wife that is upset and his little girl left home on him too. Then my friend Mary talked me down off the ledge by offering me a chance to talk and then a chance to laugh. Last but absolutely not least was the ability to come in here, write a blog, spill my guts, and see it all written down to help make sense of it. Then the support began to just pour in! I might have spent Monday getting depressed, suicidal or worse but I was far too busy replying to all your encouraging comments, a few emails, a couple of calls and a good chat with my husband after we had calmed down.
This is not how the story would have gone a year or more ago. I would have just crashed. I had not built in enough supports yet.
It is still a very upsetting time of course but knowing that I am not alone has helped make the load far lighter to carry.

So thank you.
For reading my blog.
For being so supportive.
For caring and letting me know I matter.
I am a very fortunate woman to know each of you.

I hope that you all have the most lovely weekend!
Hugs from me. x x x

For better or worse.

15 years ago, my sweetheart and I stood in a wedding chapel in Niagara Falls. We’d decided to elope rather than dealing with a big wedding.
In the vows, the phrase “for better of worse” is said and I will admit that we both said it without giving it a lot of thought.
Looking back? This phrase should have been given a lot more weight.

Men often get a bad rap and I hear the complaints loud and clear. I know there are men out there that are an absolute waste of skin. I married one way back in 1991. He was such an abusive, nasty arsehole. I know being in any relationship is not all roses and rainbows. I feel for people stuck in or still tied in some way to these destructive relationships.

Then there is another type of man. Caring, thoughtful, giving, and sweet. They care about  their partners deeply and would do just about anything to make our lives better. These guys deserve to be spoken about far more often.

I often look at my husband and wonder how he does it. He lives with me, loves me, and accepts me for who I really am. He does it all with grace and kindness.
This is a gift in any relationship but when he needs to deal with a wife that has a severely complex type of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and DID as well? It’s a tall order to expect of anyone.
My husband is there when my Helpers are out. He deals with verbal children, non-verbal children, teenagers, crabby women, shy women, bold men, protective men, self harmers and suicidal Helpers.
I also have hallucinations so he must deal with rather constant questions about what is real and what is not. I don’t ask other people because I feel embarrassed by it but this puts the burden on my husband. “Yes, that lady is real.” “No, there is not a man in your room.” “Yes that smell of onions is in the room.” “No, there is no poop anywhere to be found and you are the only one smelling it.” “Yes, I hear that music too.” “No, there is no one at the door.” It is constant.
Then of course add nightmares, flashbacks, psychotic episodes, ups, downs, sudden massive crashes in to depression, triggers, tough holidays or days that mark my loved ones deaths. Then there are the silent days where I can’t even find the ability to speak for I am so overwhelmed.
I hate to say there is more but there is.
Yet this man stays by my side. He never makes me feel crazy, stupid, out of control or like I need to be locked away. He accepts that I am unable to work and lives with the reduction of income. He never belittles or teases me about any of my issues. He is also able to laugh along with me when I ask for the 12th time, “What day is this?” or when I tell him about raccoons running up and down the walls, my friends legs and along the ceiling (we live on an island where there are no raccoons at all). We can joke about some of the Helpers with their amusing antics or sit and discuss a Helper that is really in need of special attention or help.
My husband says there are some great perks to being married to a multiple too. He says that I am a great wife to him and that he will never, ever get bored.
That said? He holds the lions share of the “worse” so I can truly enjoy the “better”.
He is truly a gift and most definitely one of the good guys.

If you have a good man in your life be sure to tell him how great you think he is. They need to hear it too.

How much more?

This post isn’t going to be very light and I am sorry for that but I am absolutely heartbroken and feel so powerless to deal with it. Words are my only way out and I hope that writing will help.

This weekend my older daughter (20) came out to visit my husband and I but so soon as I had completed the 4 hours of driving to get her and taken her to an appointment she needed me to set up, she left my home and went to stay with my mother. Yes, the woman who abused me, caused my Complex PTSD and my DID. My mother is a cunning and professional narcissist who has managed to turn many people against me during my life. Family, friends, doctors, teachers. She was able to skillfully lay a pathway to making me look like a crazy liar and she alluded being caught because of her sunny disposition and clever ways.
I never wanted my girls to know her or have a relationship with her but when they got older, they decided to maintain one with her. While they do not know all the nitty-gritty? They know more than enough to know what she has done to me yet my mother is so good at her game, my girls just couldn’t imagine it.
Having the oldest down there was bad enough but then today my youngest wilfully defied me then decided to run down to “Gramma” rather than face any talking to that she would have gotten here.
Now she has decided to move out. Suddenly… no warning at all.

My mother has done it again. She stole my childhood, my innocence, my faith in the world being a good place, my trust for almost anyone, her entire side of the family… and now my girls.
There are no words to describe how I feel. Sick? Heartbroken? Angry?

More than anything I feel lost again. I have worked SO HARD to get better and no one even knows the truth of how hard each day really is for me. I push onward and upwards. I use all the skills I learned while in hospital, I take my medications religiously, I do EVERYTHING I am told to do in order to try to get better but where does it get me?
Back at the beginning with my mother and all the losses that she has created in my life. It never ends. It never will. It has been 10 years since I even spoke to the woman yet she still plays with my life like it’s an old toy.

I feel all those old ways of coping calling me. To drink, to cut, to end it all. I am repeating words that were said to me the last time I felt this way constantly. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but this will end. you will feel better. You just need to give it time and accept help.”

So I am sorry that today’s blog is not positive and I have no great advice but today is a shitty day and I am not going to hide it. Life can be hard for you, for me, for everyone. Hiding it only makes us feel more alone right?

For now? I shall paint fire. Lots of fire.

Animals

Do you have any pets?
If you don’t, it’s an easy answer. No.
If you do? A simple yes will never do.
The pet’s name, age, breed, colour, temperament, and a funny story or two is only the beginning.

My house has had quite a collection of pets over the past 20 years. Thanks to the kids and my inability to say no to anything furry that stares at me with big sad eyes begging to be taken to a good home and get spoiled until the day it dies, we’ve had quite a few hamsters, a very sweet rabbit (Nibbles) who was followed by Ruby and Maxine who turned out to be a “Max” and then we had 9 baby bunnies as well. Quite a few cats, dogs and at last count? 15 rats. They only live 2-3 years so we’ve had quite a few groups.
My children are now older. 2 have moved out on their own and my youngest is in her last year of high school so she will be gone soon as well. We’ve had a rule over the past 5 years that the pets can not have lifespans longer than the children will be at home because we didn’t want to be left with 40 pets when they were all gone.
So now we have one rat that is my youngest daughters pet and one dog who is the love of my life. I could backtrack here and say that I love my family more… and I suppose I do but lets face facts… my sweet beagle is my true love. Don’t tell my kids okay?
She is not a PTSD service dog yet since we first got her, she’s been quite aware of my stress and knows when I am triggered. She’s more aware than my own husband of when I am dissociated. She can sense the shift in energy. She wakes me up from nightmares risking her own safety as I lash out in my sleep. She’s my sweet girl and without her? I’d be lost. Some say we rescued her but that is only partially true. It is she who has helped to rescue me.
Here is my “Beanie Baby”. A lemon beagle (no black) at 9 years old. This is her bear and she’s happily up on my nice warm bed. Spoiled rotten and that isn’t going to change! 🙂

I hear over and over from my friends with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and dissociative disorders that their pets are a real lifeline for them. They have cats, dogs, snakes, rats, chinchillas and almost anything else you can imagine that can be safely kept in a home. They all say the same things…

• I can talk to my animal when the words just can’t be said to anyone else.
• My pet just gets me.
• My pet doesn’t care if I am happy or sad, she just loves me.
• My dog/cat has saved my life more than once. If not for that animal, I’d have no reason to stay alive.

For some very lucky people, they have service dogs trained just for them. The words are beautiful and almost always the same from one person to another.
“This dog changed my life. I could never do this before I got him.”

Now we’ve made a hard yet joyous decision that it is time to add another rescue dog to our family. Our sweet girl Molly passed away over a year ago after a blessed 14 years with us. It has taken this long to feel that room in our hearts open up again. Now we are ready and we know that Molly would have approved. We are going “all in” this time and getting a very large dog which something we’ve always wanted. Go big or go home??? Really large dogs are also harder to place from shelters as most people prefer or only have the lifestyle for the smaller dogs. We have a large home and a really big yard. Perfect for a giant oaf.
Here is our newest family member Piper at almost 6 weeks old. 12 pounds already and a lovely girl. 🙂

I’d love to see some of your pets and hear about what they mean to you if you are willing to share. ❤

Why?

Why?
This has got to be the biggest little word in the history of man. It’s a question I’ve asked more times than I could possibly count… even if I was good at math.
Why was I born? Why was I given to the parents that I had? Why didn’t anyone save me? Why, why, why, why, why????

Then I came across a “Pin” on Pinterest earlier today that really touched my heart.

I don’t understand cruelty.
People being unkind in any way to others makes me feel ill.
Causing someone else any sort of pain is my worst fear.
So how could I be treated so horrifically? What did I do to deserve it? What made me such an easy target? All those questions that have just baffled me over the years are beginning to show their answers.

You know something though? It really makes me mad when people try to offer my family excuses for their behavior. “They must have had something happen in their life. They must have issues. Maybe they just couldn’t do any better.” Yadda… yadda… yadda…
Well you know what? I was raised horribly. I have had a crapload of dysfunction to base my life off of. Stuff you can’t even imagine happened in my life and trust me, I have “issues” too. NONE of that has made me a monster. It did make it harder not to become one because doing what you know is easier than fighting all you have learned BUT once you are an adult? You are free to choose what sort of person you wish to become.

Back to the real question. Why?
Because they were thoughtless, cruel, horrible, unfeeling human beings with no interest in anyone outside of themselves. They made a choice to be horrid and they choose to stay that way to this day. They choose to hide behind smiles, nice clothes, volunteer work, Churches and money. They hide very well but they will strike like snakes at their first given opportunity. It is who they are and THAT is the reason why.

I chose to not become a hurtful, hate-filled snake of a person. I believe if you are reading this blog? You chose better as well. We are not like them and that is why we will never be able to answer that “why” question fully to our satisfaction.
Personally? I am slowly becoming grateful for that.

15 Things

I found a list of 15 things to give up and thought it was great. I decided to share it with you and expand on their list a bit. 🙂

1. Doubting yourself. You are smart and you make good decisions based on what you know at the time. Sometimes you will be right and sometimes you will be wrong but don’t let the fear of occasionally being wrong trap you in a world of self-doubt.
2. Negative thinking. We all feel the ups and the downs of life but keeping yourself in a cycle of looking at the world through pessimistic eyes only robs you of any possible joys you could find if you looked at the rainbows rather than the clouds. The world is NOT all clouds.
3. Fear of failure. I love this one! Why are we all so afraid to fail? I think we can learn something from Thomas Edison here. “I have not failed. I have only found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” He was a smart cookie so go ahead and keep trying. You’ll eventually figure it out. Look at each “failure” as being one step closer to eventual success.
4. Destructive relationships. These can be very difficult to give up! Let me tell you a little secret that I have learned while giving up my destructive relationships. I found this out the hard way but it was worth it in the end… For every destructive relationship that I gave up or lost and often grieved for, space was made for a much more positive one. I used to see this process as losing someone. Now I see it as a chance to gain someone even better!
5. Gossiping. Well, let me tell you something here. 😉 I was raised by a terrific gossiper and learned to do it myself. It was a hard habit to break when I grew up and realized it was wrong. I still have to catch myself at times but it is worth the effort to give it up. You are only drawing negative energy in towards yourself and sending negative energy out. We don’t want that right? Be kind. Say nice things. Talk about others strengths. You’ll be happier. I promise.
6. Criticizing yourself and others. Much like being a gossip, I feel this is a bad habit we get in to. I think it is easier to give up criticizing others but it is far more difficult to give it up ourselves. I am a firm believer in energy and if you criticize yourself even in jest, you are attracting negative energy towards yourself. Be nice to yourself. Be kind and compassionate towards who you are. Offer that to others as well.
7. Anger. Some anger is healthy. Anger at hurtful events. Anger at losing someone you cared deeply for. Anger at abusers. BUT… just being angry all the time will not serve you well at all. Let your anger out in an appropriate way. Talk to someone who really cares about how you feel but then let it go. Staying angry only hurts you. It never hurts them. That negative burden gets VERY heavy and only feels heavier and heavier the longer you carry it.
8. Comfort eating. OUCH! I am so guilty of this one. Have a feeling? Stuff it down. Have an uncomfortable emotion? Stuff it down. What an easy way to soothe yourself. This is an addiction when you use it in this way. No different from drinking or drugs. You are using a substance to run away from how you feel. I’ll let you off the hook if you stuff your feelings down with carrot sticks but let’s be real… carrots are not what we crave. It is so much nicer to shove feelings down with chocolate, candy, cake, whatever… Take care of your emotional health and admit if you have a problem here. There is help out there. 🙂
9. Laziness. We all deserve time off to just relax, read a book, watch a movie, enjoy a coffee or just have a lazy day but when those lazy days pile up and you spend more time watching TV, sitting in front of the internet or just generally avoiding responsibilities? Your life is going to get bad quickly. Make some plans. Clean your house up. Finish the half done projects. Reply to those emails. Call a friend. You will feel such a sense of accomplishment for everything you do each day and that translates in to a far healthier and happier life.
10. Negative self talk. This is the stuff that goes on inside your head that others don’t know about. “I’m too stupid to figure that out.” “I’m fat and ugly.” “People hate me.” “I don’t deserve any better.” “I’m a lazy sloth.” I could go on FOREVER but I am sure you get the idea? I really do believe that when you tell yourself something often enough, it becomes your truth. How about telling yourself some nicer things and watch what happens. “I make good choices.” “I am a loving and thoughtful friend.” “I care about my health.” Positive attracts positive so be sweet to yourself then sit back and watch your life change.
11. Procrastination. Who’s not good at this? Anyone? I believe we all have our moments but chronic procrastination does a few really bad things to you. 1 – When you actually need to have something done you are suddenly rushed and that is stressful. 2 – You are more likely to just give it up altogether and lose out on that sense of accomplishment. 3 – Undone chores / work / responsibilities / projects get piled up and become insurmountable. Getting out from all that pressure can be nearly impossible. Try something for me? Try to have things done one day early. Even if you only try it once or twice. See how it feels. I think you’ll like it.
12. Fear of success. This is a weird one. My first thought was who is afraid of success? Then I thought about starting this blog and 75% of me thought it would be a useless waste of my time and no one would ever be interested in anything I had to say. (Yes, I gave my negative self talk a good boot in the arse for talking to me like that.) The other 25% worried that if I was successful? People would be reading about my private world. A world that I have kept hidden for over 40 years. I feared backlash, rude comments, and people who just “don’t believe in DID”. That fear of success almost prevented me from starting this at all. In the end? I am so happy that I went out on a limb and gave it a try. It’s exceeded any expectations that I ever had and I’ve met some truly loving, warm and thoughtful people in the process. I hope you’ll take a chance on success when it comes your way. 🙂
13. Anything excessive. Too much computer time. Too many hours watching TV. Too much food. Too many drinks. Overdoing your exercise routine to the point of pain. Speaking poorly of yourself too often. Balance is key right?
14. People pleasing. Oh boy. Guilty as charged. 😉 It’s nice to be good to people and it is kind to care but going way above and beyond in order to make others happy? That is just time-consuming and the path to frustration. This leads nicely in to number 15.
15. Putting others needs before your own. This is so easy to do and I did it constantly. I’d drop everything in order to do something for a friend, work, my kids, my husband, other family members. The trouble was that the person that always got dropped was me. I was not considering my own needs or taking good care of myself. This can only go on so long before you completely crash. Think of your life and your energy like a teapot. Everyone else is a cup. You keep filling the cups over and over again and they are all happy but eventually the teapot runs dry. Now you have nothing left to give and no one in your life is getting a drink. This doesn’t end well for any tea party in life. Take time to refill. Read, take a walk, listen to some great music, write, chat with a friend, do something creative… anything at all that fills you back up. It is only a full teapot that can be good for anyone else.  Take care of you first!

I hope you’ve enjoyed the list of things to give up. Have a great day!

“Unnerved”

I had an appointment with a therapist yesterday and this guy is great. He’s a cool as a cucumber and never shows any reaction at all to anything I say. He is compassionate but not easily shocked. He asks great questions and although sadly he is not going to be able to see me long-term, he has definitely helped me a lot in the time that he has been seeing me.
Thanks to the skills I have learned about staying present, I have been the one that has attended every therapy session so far. I know that I fade in and out at times and there are small portions of the appointments that I do not recall but it is almost always unnoticeable to him or anyone else. I’ve gotten very good at coming back to the front without missing a beat. When the dissociations are only very brief, it is rather easy to do. Practice makes perfect right?
Then yesterday happened…
Julie decided early in the week that she was going to take over. I just had a feeling about it from Monday straight through to Wednesday. She was doing a lot of chatting about it and although she doesn’t usually announce her plans, she was ranting about wanting to talk to this doctor for days.
Needless to say I do not recall getting ready or the drive in although it seems everything I had planned to do got done. I don’t recall the beginning of the appointment and at about 10 minutes in, the doctor refused to speak to her any longer, she allowed me to come back to the front.
Well… I know that I shouldn’t laugh but occasionally having DID can be a bit funny. At least to me.
I came back to the front and I was very shaky. Realizing that I was in the doctor’s office and having no clue of what had been said makes me feel very embarrassed and also nervous. When I looked up and saw the doctors face, he was rather pale and looked shaken. This was his first experience with meeting a Helper. He’s never treated anyone with DID before and was having a hard time understanding what I meant when trying to explain the mechanics of DID to him.
Now he gets it. 100%!
Julie arrived for that appointment a bit late (which I never am), she doesn’t need glasses so she wasn’t wearing mine. She is much bolder and more confrontational than I am and from what the doctor said, she speaks differently, dresses and behaves altogether differently from how I behave.
I’m not really sure what he expected but this totally unique person from who he usually sees really shook him. He offered me a glass of water then could hardly manage to find one.
His word for the experience was “unnerving”.
I know how he feels! Just try to be me!
In the end I am left feeling like maybe I don’t explain the process of switching very well. Perhaps it is just too mind bending for others to truly understand until they experience it for themselves? To actually be there to witness the complete transformation has to be an odd experience. There are also times I wish I could see it for myself. I’ve been told of a few of the Helpers behavior but it would be nice to be able to actually experience it for myself. To see how it looks when I switch and how it looks when I come back.
That said, I really appreciate Julie getting me there, dressing me rather differently than I usually dress and doing my hair differently as well. I must say that we looked good. 🙂 She also let me come back when the doctor refused to speak to her any longer and didn’t just pretend to be me. She’s rather good at that from what I am told. Thank heavens for keeping extra glasses in the car or I’d never have been able to drive home. I am also very thankful that my car has a location device on it and I can make it beep to find it. She parked the car way the heck over near a Veterans hospital that was more than 2 buildings away. I would have NEVER found it!
This life that now seems so normal to me yet still “unnerves” the most poker-faced doctor certainly never gets boring!

Have a great weekend everyone and make sure to take some time to do something you enjoy. 🙂

What is different?

PTSD has been a really difficult illness to deal with. My heart races at all times. I am so hyper-vigilant that I can stop most anything from falling mid-air. Constant triggers, mind bending nightmares, daily flashbacks and daily events that remind me of days long gone by. It is more than just triggers. It is conscious thoughts that pair todays situation with something similar that happened 10, 20, 30, or even 40 years ago. I catch myself often saying things like

• This reminds me of situations that happened in my past.
• I hate holidays because they were horrible when I was growing up.
• That smell is making me remember something I’d rather forget.
• Men are all out to hurt me, use me or belittle me.
• The sun is torture.
• Hearing others talk fondly of their mothers or their good childhoods reminds me of what I didn’t have.

No one can blame me for any of the things I say to myself. The list is far longer but I have very good reasons for feeling the way that I do. There are events that have been burned in to my mind with laser-like precision. That will probably always be true.

Then about 2 weeks ago, I was driving home from therapy and I was mad. Really mad! My therapist had said something that really touched a nerve with me and i wasn’t angry with him. I was angry for current day things I have been unable to do because of events from my past. During that days therapy, I’d made a comment about my husband and said “There is nothing he can do that doesn’t trigger me.”  I felt robbed. I felt unworthy of my husbands complete love when I am not able to give that back as fully. I was having a really great pity party and my drive home takes about 2 hours so I had plenty of time to feel sorry for myself. Seriously… just face it… my life was/is horrible.

Happily my mind is never able to stay at a pity party for very long. I get really sick of hearing myself whine. The Helpers either get sick of it too or start adding their own pity logs to the fire. At some point I just need to take a step back and stop the downwards slide of all that negative thinking.

So… I am not at all sure why this came in to my head but I was angry enough to want to find a better way of thinking. I really do want better for myself so I thought to ask myself “How is this different?”. I can point out all the similarities very quickly and allow myself to be swept up in the tide of being triggered but did I ever really stop and think about how the situation is different? I began thinking about one particular issue and asked some new questions.

• How does this situation differ from the one in the past?
• What happens now that never happened back then?
• Some smells are the same but are their new ones too?
• Are the people the same? Are they cruel?
• If I needed to get away now, could I?
• Am I wise enough to know my limitations now?
• What words are said now that were never said back then?

I am still really new at this but each time I begin to say “This is just like my past.”, I try to follow that up with “So how is it different?”
I will be honest. It’s not easy to change the way you think after 44 years but things ARE different today. The people in my life today have my best interests in mind and would never intentionally do anything to trigger me. If I needed to get away? I can.

I hope that over time I will be able to start noticing the differences as quickly as I see the similarities.
Do you think this may help you re-frame some situations as well?

11/11/2014

I don’t normally publish anything on a Tuesday but after having the opportunity to share the stories and pain of many soldiers with PTSD, I am making an exception with a poem I wrote for them in honour of this special day.

Never Leave

They walk down a dirt road.
The war is right there in front of them.
Yelling. Screaming. Gunshots. Bombs.
Fear is everywhere.
A tiny baby cries for help but they can not go near.
That baby may be hiding a bomb.
This enemy has no rules.
No compassion.
All of a sudden their attention turns to one soldier.
He’s standing on a steel box hidden beneath the sand.
If he moves? It could go off.
If he doesn’t? He’s an easy target.
As he shouted and others rushed to help, it went off.
Devastation is everywhere.
Very soon mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives and children will feel that devastation too.
Those who remain feel guilty. Why did they survive? Why couldn’t they have helped quicker? Why oh why… NOTHING here makes sense.
Back in their bunks no one sleeps.
The sounds, smells, visions and fear just won’t go away.
Soon they are awoken by someone who loves them and reminded that they are home now. They are safe. That war was years ago.
It keeps them awake at night then ruins the sleep they can get.
They are triggered by noises that no one else understands.
Flashbacks play like horror filled movies in their minds. Constantly.
It is like being back there all over again.
No matter how hard they try, the terror never leaves.
The war never leaves their minds.

They should never leave ours.

Inside my mind.

I’m having one of those wild days where my mind is flooded with the sights, sounds, smells and emotions of the past. The Helpers are very upset and their raw emotion is completely overwhelming. I was walking around my house with my hands shaking and insides doing flip-flops and cartwheels just trying to get away from myself. I feel assaulted by the light of day, the sounds of my husband running his saw out back, and the phone ringing sounds like a gong going off and sends knives straight through my ears. I can’t answer it just yet as words from another person won’t really be heard and I will be unable to respond in an appropriate way. My computer is my safe place and my written words feel like my only escape. How on earth I can write coherently when there is such an overwhelming war going on inside my mind and my body just baffles me. Written words seem to be my only way out.

On the outside I appear calm, capable and at peace yet inside there is such an assault going on that I am not sure how to find my way out. I have a whole dart league coming over to my home soon. 12 people in a shed. 2 tables of people getting up and down, moving to the toe line and back to their chairs again. The sound of laughter, people giving high fives for good scores and even more praise for crappy scores… it’s a great group. That said, how am I going to go sit there and try to hear what others say? How am I going to find the strength to reply? How am I going to calm the Helpers enough so I can sit still for 3 hours and not just begin to scream?

A scream would actually be a great release right about now. Just not in front of all my friends. I wish I could scream but I am incapable of it. I’ve tried. I have tried so many times that it is ridiculous. Just scream. Let it out. Let the anger fly out of my mouth in to the silence that surrounds me. Yet my screams are silent. They do not scare or shock others because my screams are invisible to the outside world. Even as I continue to heal, my ability to let the emotions bubble to the surface seem beyond my abilities.

My last therapy session tipped me right over the edge and it is what has me reeling right now. I realized within that session that I have been focusing on one aspect of my past that is horrible and shocking on its own but I have been focusing on that to avoid dealing with the really big issue. Now memories are filling my mind faster than I can control them. The Helpers are equally overwhelmed. Hannah is crying uncontrollably. Polly wants to cut to help release the pain even though she knows that is no longer an option. The younger boys are all set and ready to fight. They want to go down the street and hurt the person who most deserves it. Holding them back takes all my energy and focus. Them landing ME in jail is not the answer here. Ali is wanting to draw and she’s mad that I am typing rather than letting her draw but I know what her picture will be today and truthfully? I don’t want to see it. Shawna and  Darcie are just plain pissed off while Aggie is stirring the pot. Charles sticks close to Aggie today and they are both being relentless and mean. The little girls are all silent yet their fear is overwhelming me. They are sharing some memories today and they are afraid to share what they know. I am equally afraid to face it yet they can not seem to stop. Julie is trying her best to rein everyone back in but even all-powerful and in control Julie is finding herself powerless today. The memories, pictures, sounds and smells from the past are overwhelming her too.

Writing this in a blog and baring my truth for anyone to see is not at all an easy task. I wish I could end this happily and tell you today is just a bad day.
It’s not.
This is my head almost every day. This is what is behind my smile, my calm demeanor, my laughter and my words. There is always a therapy session or a comment made unintentionally that cuts in to my core like a knife. A memory, scent or new reveal from a Helper.
This is what a day in my life feels like from the inside looking out.

Now it’s time to go smile, get ready for darts, make a phone call or two and prepare a meal before everyone begins to arrive. I think I deserve an Oscar for the best rendition of a normal life while my insides are in shambles.
Most anyone with a mental illness deserves that Oscar too.
Keep smiling folks! “Fake it till you become it.” Right?