“Unnerved”

I had an appointment with a therapist yesterday and this guy is great. He’s a cool as a cucumber and never shows any reaction at all to anything I say. He is compassionate but not easily shocked. He asks great questions and although sadly he is not going to be able to see me long-term, he has definitely helped me a lot in the time that he has been seeing me.
Thanks to the skills I have learned about staying present, I have been the one that has attended every therapy session so far. I know that I fade in and out at times and there are small portions of the appointments that I do not recall but it is almost always unnoticeable to him or anyone else. I’ve gotten very good at coming back to the front without missing a beat. When the dissociations are only very brief, it is rather easy to do. Practice makes perfect right?
Then yesterday happened…
Julie decided early in the week that she was going to take over. I just had a feeling about it from Monday straight through to Wednesday. She was doing a lot of chatting about it and although she doesn’t usually announce her plans, she was ranting about wanting to talk to this doctor for days.
Needless to say I do not recall getting ready or the drive in although it seems everything I had planned to do got done. I don’t recall the beginning of the appointment and at about 10 minutes in, the doctor refused to speak to her any longer, she allowed me to come back to the front.
Well… I know that I shouldn’t laugh but occasionally having DID can be a bit funny. At least to me.
I came back to the front and I was very shaky. Realizing that I was in the doctor’s office and having no clue of what had been said makes me feel very embarrassed and also nervous. When I looked up and saw the doctors face, he was rather pale and looked shaken. This was his first experience with meeting a Helper. He’s never treated anyone with DID before and was having a hard time understanding what I meant when trying to explain the mechanics of DID to him.
Now he gets it. 100%!
Julie arrived for that appointment a bit late (which I never am), she doesn’t need glasses so she wasn’t wearing mine. She is much bolder and more confrontational than I am and from what the doctor said, she speaks differently, dresses and behaves altogether differently from how I behave.
I’m not really sure what he expected but this totally unique person from who he usually sees really shook him. He offered me a glass of water then could hardly manage to find one.
His word for the experience was “unnerving”.
I know how he feels! Just try to be me!
In the end I am left feeling like maybe I don’t explain the process of switching very well. Perhaps it is just too mind bending for others to truly understand until they experience it for themselves? To actually be there to witness the complete transformation has to be an odd experience. There are also times I wish I could see it for myself. I’ve been told of a few of the Helpers behavior but it would be nice to be able to actually experience it for myself. To see how it looks when I switch and how it looks when I come back.
That said, I really appreciate Julie getting me there, dressing me rather differently than I usually dress and doing my hair differently as well. I must say that we looked good. 🙂 She also let me come back when the doctor refused to speak to her any longer and didn’t just pretend to be me. She’s rather good at that from what I am told. Thank heavens for keeping extra glasses in the car or I’d never have been able to drive home. I am also very thankful that my car has a location device on it and I can make it beep to find it. She parked the car way the heck over near a Veterans hospital that was more than 2 buildings away. I would have NEVER found it!
This life that now seems so normal to me yet still “unnerves” the most poker-faced doctor certainly never gets boring!

Have a great weekend everyone and make sure to take some time to do something you enjoy. 🙂

6 responses to ““Unnerved”

  1. Wow, what a learning experience for your therapist! It certainly makes sense to me that talking “theoretically” about your Helpers and actually seeing one in action would be two very different experiences!

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    • Oh yes Janet! It sure is a great learning experience. While I don;t ever think he doubted me, I think he’s always been a bit on the fence about its affect on my life. I think now he really understands it far better. Thanks again for commenting. 🙂

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  2. You probably didn’t look upon this experience as positive when you were looking for your car with no glasses, but from a therapy point of view it was good for your therapist to witness your dissociation. No matter how long you have him as your therapist, a medical professional has seen first hand what you have been dealing with for years. And although you explain the switching experience really well, seeing it must have been a whole different ball game for him! Hugs Heather, and have a great weekend yourself.xxx

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    • I must admit that I actually felt embarrassed but that was quickly followed by amused. It was a bit funny to watch his reaction. He’s usually so cool as a cucumber. As bad as I felt for the guy, I was finding it enjoyable to watch his reaction. It is also FANTASTIC to know that he now “gets it”. No more “in theory”. Now he’s experienced the real thing. What better education is there? 😉

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  3. In my work treating dysfunctional families and trying to help traumatized children we often use filming interactiond as a tool. Maybe that could be something to try for yous as well, so that you get to see eachother not only on the inside but how you all interact with the external world?

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    • This is actually what finally convinced me that I did in fact have DID. I was VERY resistant to being told about it and did not feel they were correct… until I saw myself on video. What a shocking experience. That said? I’d love it if someone would do that for me now so I could get to see more of what goes on. Sadly I don’t have a regular therapist yet and the bouncing around only lets me get acquainted with one before needing to look elsewhere. One day it will all work out right? Thanks for your input! You are totally correct! 🙂

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