For better or worse.

15 years ago, my sweetheart and I stood in a wedding chapel in Niagara Falls. We’d decided to elope rather than dealing with a big wedding.
In the vows, the phrase “for better of worse” is said and I will admit that we both said it without giving it a lot of thought.
Looking back? This phrase should have been given a lot more weight.

Men often get a bad rap and I hear the complaints loud and clear. I know there are men out there that are an absolute waste of skin. I married one way back in 1991. He was such an abusive, nasty arsehole. I know being in any relationship is not all roses and rainbows. I feel for people stuck in or still tied in some way to these destructive relationships.

Then there is another type of man. Caring, thoughtful, giving, and sweet. They care about  their partners deeply and would do just about anything to make our lives better. These guys deserve to be spoken about far more often.

I often look at my husband and wonder how he does it. He lives with me, loves me, and accepts me for who I really am. He does it all with grace and kindness.
This is a gift in any relationship but when he needs to deal with a wife that has a severely complex type of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and DID as well? It’s a tall order to expect of anyone.
My husband is there when my Helpers are out. He deals with verbal children, non-verbal children, teenagers, crabby women, shy women, bold men, protective men, self harmers and suicidal Helpers.
I also have hallucinations so he must deal with rather constant questions about what is real and what is not. I don’t ask other people because I feel embarrassed by it but this puts the burden on my husband. “Yes, that lady is real.” “No, there is not a man in your room.” “Yes that smell of onions is in the room.” “No, there is no poop anywhere to be found and you are the only one smelling it.” “Yes, I hear that music too.” “No, there is no one at the door.” It is constant.
Then of course add nightmares, flashbacks, psychotic episodes, ups, downs, sudden massive crashes in to depression, triggers, tough holidays or days that mark my loved ones deaths. Then there are the silent days where I can’t even find the ability to speak for I am so overwhelmed.
I hate to say there is more but there is.
Yet this man stays by my side. He never makes me feel crazy, stupid, out of control or like I need to be locked away. He accepts that I am unable to work and lives with the reduction of income. He never belittles or teases me about any of my issues. He is also able to laugh along with me when I ask for the 12th time, “What day is this?” or when I tell him about raccoons running up and down the walls, my friends legs and along the ceiling (we live on an island where there are no raccoons at all). We can joke about some of the Helpers with their amusing antics or sit and discuss a Helper that is really in need of special attention or help.
My husband says there are some great perks to being married to a multiple too. He says that I am a great wife to him and that he will never, ever get bored.
That said? He holds the lions share of the “worse” so I can truly enjoy the “better”.
He is truly a gift and most definitely one of the good guys.

If you have a good man in your life be sure to tell him how great you think he is. They need to hear it too.

Man

10 responses to “For better or worse.

  1. Well done Heather!

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  2. You are so blessed to have the marriage that you do. Both of you love and respect each other and it shows. It is the relationship I gauge all of mine against. If at the end of the day I have treated everyone with dignity and respect, myself included, then that day is a good one. I learned that from you and by watching your family. Thank you and Happy Anniverssary

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  3. Very happy for you and your husband! Happy Thanksgiving.

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  4. You know Heather, over the last few years we have both ranted to each other when our “hubbies” have done something to tick us off, but I think it’s fair to say in the last year or so both men have really stepped up to the plate and it SHOULD be acknowledged how supportive they are.
    When my health got worse 18 months ago, mine has sometimes had to take me to the toilet, help me dress, cut my toenails, do the shopping, cleaning – all without complaint or making me feel like a burden. He took my subsequent bouts of depression in his stride, doesn’t moan over our social life being restricted, and now I have improved he is thrilled when I cook his favourite meal or put on make-up and nice clothes to go out for a drive with him.
    Such men ARE a gift Heather – a gift to be treasured. Great blog!xxx

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  5. I have been married for 16 years. When I took my vows and said for better or worse, I had no idea how dark things would get for many years. My husband gently moved through it all with me. His love is something I am grateful for every day. I would not have the life I have today if it was not for him. I too am unable to work and we live off less as a result. He just seems to take it all in stride. Thanks for the reminder of how blest I am on this Thanksgiving DAy. Glad you have that kind of love in your life.

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    • Happy Thanksgiving to you. Give your man an extra hug today. 🙂 I am so happy that you have had a good man by your side as well. They deserve some credit right? The bad ones always get talked out so we should also tell people about the good right? 🙂 Enjoy your day!

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  6. Serious and long term illness can really test a relationship and the individuals in that relationship. You often hear about the men (and women!) who are unable or unwilling to deal with it, but not often about those who do.
    I love your blogs Heather – they are so well-written. Sharing your experiences – the good and the bad – not only helps you, it helps others. A Win-Win situation!xxx

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