This post isn’t going to be very light and I am sorry for that but I am absolutely heartbroken and feel so powerless to deal with it. Words are my only way out and I hope that writing will help.
This weekend my older daughter (20) came out to visit my husband and I but so soon as I had completed the 4 hours of driving to get her and taken her to an appointment she needed me to set up, she left my home and went to stay with my mother. Yes, the woman who abused me, caused my Complex PTSD and my DID. My mother is a cunning and professional narcissist who has managed to turn many people against me during my life. Family, friends, doctors, teachers. She was able to skillfully lay a pathway to making me look like a crazy liar and she alluded being caught because of her sunny disposition and clever ways.
I never wanted my girls to know her or have a relationship with her but when they got older, they decided to maintain one with her. While they do not know all the nitty-gritty? They know more than enough to know what she has done to me yet my mother is so good at her game, my girls just couldn’t imagine it.
Having the oldest down there was bad enough but then today my youngest wilfully defied me then decided to run down to “Gramma” rather than face any talking to that she would have gotten here.
Now she has decided to move out. Suddenly… no warning at all.
My mother has done it again. She stole my childhood, my innocence, my faith in the world being a good place, my trust for almost anyone, her entire side of the family… and now my girls.
There are no words to describe how I feel. Sick? Heartbroken? Angry?
More than anything I feel lost again. I have worked SO HARD to get better and no one even knows the truth of how hard each day really is for me. I push onward and upwards. I use all the skills I learned while in hospital, I take my medications religiously, I do EVERYTHING I am told to do in order to try to get better but where does it get me?
Back at the beginning with my mother and all the losses that she has created in my life. It never ends. It never will. It has been 10 years since I even spoke to the woman yet she still plays with my life like it’s an old toy.
I feel all those old ways of coping calling me. To drink, to cut, to end it all. I am repeating words that were said to me the last time I felt this way constantly. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but this will end. you will feel better. You just need to give it time and accept help.”
So I am sorry that today’s blog is not positive and I have no great advice but today is a shitty day and I am not going to hide it. Life can be hard for you, for me, for everyone. Hiding it only makes us feel more alone right?