How much more?

This post isn’t going to be very light and I am sorry for that but I am absolutely heartbroken and feel so powerless to deal with it. Words are my only way out and I hope that writing will help.

This weekend my older daughter (20) came out to visit my husband and I but so soon as I had completed the 4 hours of driving to get her and taken her to an appointment she needed me to set up, she left my home and went to stay with my mother. Yes, the woman who abused me, caused my Complex PTSD and my DID. My mother is a cunning and professional narcissist who has managed to turn many people against me during my life. Family, friends, doctors, teachers. She was able to skillfully lay a pathway to making me look like a crazy liar and she alluded being caught because of her sunny disposition and clever ways.
I never wanted my girls to know her or have a relationship with her but when they got older, they decided to maintain one with her. While they do not know all the nitty-gritty? They know more than enough to know what she has done to me yet my mother is so good at her game, my girls just couldn’t imagine it.
Having the oldest down there was bad enough but then today my youngest wilfully defied me then decided to run down to “Gramma” rather than face any talking to that she would have gotten here.
Now she has decided to move out. Suddenly… no warning at all.

My mother has done it again. She stole my childhood, my innocence, my faith in the world being a good place, my trust for almost anyone, her entire side of the family… and now my girls.
There are no words to describe how I feel. Sick? Heartbroken? Angry?

More than anything I feel lost again. I have worked SO HARD to get better and no one even knows the truth of how hard each day really is for me. I push onward and upwards. I use all the skills I learned while in hospital, I take my medications religiously, I do EVERYTHING I am told to do in order to try to get better but where does it get me?
Back at the beginning with my mother and all the losses that she has created in my life. It never ends. It never will. It has been 10 years since I even spoke to the woman yet she still plays with my life like it’s an old toy.

I feel all those old ways of coping calling me. To drink, to cut, to end it all. I am repeating words that were said to me the last time I felt this way constantly. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but this will end. you will feel better. You just need to give it time and accept help.”

So I am sorry that today’s blog is not positive and I have no great advice but today is a shitty day and I am not going to hide it. Life can be hard for you, for me, for everyone. Hiding it only makes us feel more alone right?

For now? I shall paint fire. Lots of fire.
FIRE_01

14 responses to “How much more?

  1. Dearest Heather – the injustice of all this is simply staggering. Your daughters are behaving with all the insensitivity and selfishness typical of teenagers. However, it doesn’t really excuse it and it certainly won’t make you feel any better knowing it. You are one tough cookie and you will get through this; they will grow up and realise that things aren’t simply black-and-white and how much their actions have hurt you. That doesn’t help you now of course. Now you must do whatever is necessary to keep you strong and focused, and to ultimately get you through this using the skills you learned at Homewood. It will end – your mother isn’t immortal – and in the meantime know that you are loved, respected and needed. Wishing you strength and happiness my lovely friend.xxxx

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    • Oh Wendy my dear friend. Thank you so very much for your constant support. You are so right about what you’ve said here. Every word. The support I have gotten today for all these ladies and gentleman have helped me so very much. Cwtches.

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  2. It really does sound like a shitty day. Thanks for your honest sharing. I sometimes have to be around the people who abused me and it brings back everything. Sometimes I think it will never end. I too am choosing to interact with them less and less and that is helping. I am sorry that your girls do not understand and can’t imagine their grandma doing what she did. That must be really hard to take. You are in my thoughts. You are staying strong in writing about your true feelings and sharing from your heart.

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  3. Maybe your kids need to know some more facts? I think I hate your mother …

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    • The thing that stops me is that I know whatever I tell the girls will go back to my mother. They have done that before even when I’ve asked them not to. Sadly this stats the “Oh how could she say that about sweet old me?” Truthfully? There is absolutely no win here. 😦 P.S. I hate her too but it’s nice to know I have company. πŸ˜‰

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  4. I’m so sorry, Heather. I know how rough family problems can be even without abuse issue. I hope you can figure something out.
    Sam

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  5. My heart breaks for you Heather because I know this pain. You feel like you are constantly in a battle defending yourself. Constantly having to show everybody that you are NOT what the abuser is accusing you of. I have one word of advise – surrender. You will never win against this monster. She grows more powerful every time you get upset and engage. She feeds off your energy, her deceitful manipulations. Her belly full the more pain you endure at her hand. The best way to take your power back, is simply don’t let her take it. Step back, wish your daughter well and remove yourself from it. She is old enough to make her own choices and perhaps she needs to experience her grandmother for herself. As a mother, you have done all you can and we teach our children that we love them enough to let them make mistakes. She may just be out to prove you wrong, but give her the space to find that out on her own.

    I spent years being ‘vilified’ by my abusers. They turned my own family against me with their lies and betrayals. I couldn’t keep up with all the lies that were spewed in hatred against me. One night I had a psychic vision after endless crying in desperation over this evil woman. I was broken. I was spent. I had nothing left, feeling just as you described above. I saw a hand and 7:14 was written on the palm. I was confused at first, thinking it was a time but then I thought, wait a minute… palm, psalm? In disbelief about what I had seen, i grabbed my phone and google “Psalm 7:14” and as I read it through tear stained eyes, a wave of peacefulness washed over me and I was instantly able to walk away from this woman and hatefulness because she no longer defined me or had control over defining me.

    Psalm 7:14-16New Living Translation (NLT)
    14 The wicked conceive evil;
    they are pregnant with trouble
    and give birth to lies.
    15 They dig a deep pit to trap others,
    then fall into it themselves.
    16 The trouble they make for others backfires on them.
    The violence they plan falls on their own heads.

    This vision saved my life, for it was the beginning of my spiritual awakening.
    Heather I am not a religious person at all. I am deeply, deeply spiritual. I have no knowledge of the bible, nature is my church. But this experience shook me to my core. It was in the letting go, the letting be what will be, that saved me. Things will come full circle to this women. Your daughter will learn in her own time just as the others. You know who you are, NEVER EVER let anyone steal that from you. You simply do not need to stand where the hatred lies. You cannot control what other people do, just yourself, so tell them to FUCK OFF and go to hell for that is where they choose to stay.
    You are here to fly Heather, they cannot ground you. Don’t you see how far you have already come? Your are miles above them, look down and be thankful you no longer stand where they stand.

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    • Thank you. I haven’t spoken to my mother in a decade. I do not add logs to her fire yet she just goes on and on and on…. it’s the stuff that crazy is made of.
      I appreciate all your words, sharing your vision and your support. Hugs Heather

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  6. Your daughters are at the age when they need to find their own way. But because of the age, often what they think they want is guided more on doing the opposite of what their parent(s) want. It’s ok! As long as they are safe that’s what matters. You can have confidence in how you raised them.
    They won’t stop loving you. Rebel? for sure.
    But they come back, and as they venture out, they still need you. Be there for them. Try to relax about the all the other stuff and keep in mind, they are safe, they are testing the waters, and all you have taught them does matter. They will know, if not now, eventually, who to trust and who not to.
    Be a steady light. It’s ok.

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