Some of you will recall me speaking about “Julie” in past blogs. “Julie” is my main Helper. The leader of the pack. “Julie” has decided that she no longer wishes to be called Julie. That was never her name but due to my emotional attachment to the name we bartered for a bit of time so I could get accustomed to the idea. I am very grateful for that time. It helped me a lot. That said? I must introduce you all to Rielyn. This is Helper “Julie’s” real name. Her choice.
Rielyn means “Dominant Leader” which amuses me greatly. Rielyn is most certainly the dominant leader of all my Helpers. She holds a very special place in our lives and she carries a huge amount of responsibility with the precision of a military strategist.
Rielyn is the only Helper that ages along with me. Everyone else stays the same age no matter how many years pass. I am not totally sure when she really came in to being but I don’t ever recall a time when she wasn’t there. Her position of power really took hold after my sister Julie died. In assuming that Rielyn was my sister Julie speaking to me from beyond the grave, I gave Rielyn A LOT of power. She has never misused that power though. She doesn’t always make the right decisions but she always makes them with the best of intentions. That is all we can ask of anyone isn’t it?
A little more about our main gal. 🙂
Rielyn decides who comes out, when they come out and when they retreat again. If you are ever in my presence and I am hopelessly lost in a dissociation, it is Rielyn you need to speak to. I am completely unaware of anything that is going on while she watches and controls every moment.
Rielyn deals with issues swiftly and powerfully. When she decides something, you are following that path. Period. You know how you could goof off in many of your school classes but there was always that one teacher who you just never messed with? Rielyn is just that sort of person. I respect that in her even if she could do a lesson or two in tactfulness just to smooth the edges a bit.
For anyone unfamiliar with Dissociative Identity Disorder, most systems have a leader of some sort. Not all but most. I will try to explain what I understand about how and why DID exists in some of us.
Identities are most often created during times of unbearable abuse. The Level of trauma is so high that survival is almost always uncertain. Different sorts of Helpers are created depending on what is needed. This explains why women can have male alters and vice-versa. Even though I am a woman, there are certain times where a male personality is better suited to deal with a situation. A male may be created to handle a situation where a man may have more control or be able to act in a way that is unacceptable for a woman. (I am 45, not 25 so the rules and gender identity are very different these days although I am sure most systems have men and women.)
Rielyn was very likely created during a time that was just too unbearable to recall. I do think that I had several Helpers before Rielyn came along but perhaps those Helpers needed someone to run the show. Maybe they were disorganized or finding it hard to know what to do? I have no memory of this tie so I am really just guessing here but I have learned that almost every Helpers has a reason for being. Rielyn is a born leader so I believe she was created to do just that.
Her place in my system is to keep everyone on track. Me included.
If she sees a trigger coming or happening, she will often whisk me away before it even begins.
If I am having too many nightmares, she will eventually bring in a Helpers to sleep the rest of the night for me.
If I need to be alone in a place that makes me nervous, she will send out an older male.
I know that Rielyn stays out of my therapy for the most part but if the therapist gets too close to something that Rielyn doesn’t feel I can handle, she will take over and steer the conversation away from that topic before sending me back in.
Rielyn just knows what is needed and when so she makes it all happen.
I think my biggest challenge amongst my Helpers is to get Rielyn to loosen the reins a bit and let me handle more situations on my own. It has to be hard for her after I leaned so heavily on her for so long. I guess it is a bit of a dance between us. We just need to learn the steps.
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning a bit more about my main gal. 🙂