A Beautiful Disaster

I am sitting here with my mind banging around all over the place.
Somewhat like the “Scrambler” at the fair.
I’ve been doing a lot of work recently with my Helpers and though much of it is going well, I am overwhelmed by their sheer numbers and how many needs need to be accommodated or heard. They are not overwhelming me individually but it feels a bit like I am at a large family party and everyone is talking to me about totally different subjects within a very short period of time.

In this head space, I feel overwhelmed and for a moment, I tried to imagine my life without my Helpers.

Let us assume for a moment that I had a regular childhood.
My mother and father loved me, fed me, clothed me, cared for my needs…
My siblings were treated well also.
I was not exposed to situations that no child should ever even be able to imagine, let alone live through.
I went to school daily and played with my friends in the evening after school. I had homework to do and I’d hate doing it just like all the other kids.
What if I’d only lived in a few homes rather than 32 and gone to schools like most children, changing when you age out of the last one rather than attending at least 16 schools in 12 years.
It does sound magical.

Then I stop and I think about that for a minute.
Who would I be?
If I’d lived a normal childhood, where would I be today? What would I be doing?

Some of the nicest things people have ever said to me have been a direct result of the life I lived.
This blog would have never been started.
I would not be doing my art.
I highly doubt that my career would have taken the same path.
I was able to offer my children and other loved ones a special compassion when they dealt with physical or mental illnesses because I know how devastating they can be.
I’ve made friends with people I would never have met if not for my PTSD and DID.

Isn’t it odd how we often pine for a life we never had yet if we stop to think about it, that life is what made us who we are today.
Would you give your life away? The life you have now?
I wouldn’t.
It is not an easy life but it was pointed out to me that persons who have suffered trauma’s (anything from childhood abuse to war to a health crisis etc), are much more resilient than people who have not.
I know for certain that it takes a LOT more to rattle my chains than my “non trauma” friends. I roll with the punches better and heal faster.

I am seriously just having a bit of a ramble here but you know what?
I would not change my life.
It is horrifying what I went through yet it is now over and I see the world from a vantage point that many people do not have. It makes me unique.
My friends can tell me anything and I have no negative reaction towards them because I have seen evil and know how to respond to it when it touches others.

And I smile. A lot. I like that about me. 🙂

Maybe, just maybe you can look back at all you’ve been through (everyone has their own cross to bear) and you can see how you’ve been enriched by what you’ve dealt with. Perhaps you are more compassionate or giving?

I am NOT saying that I’d go back and choose my life. No one would but it has happened and it is done now. It made me who I am today and thanks to many wonderful words of encouragement, I really like who I have become.
Do you like you?

8 responses to “A Beautiful Disaster

  1. Beautiful!

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  2. This is exactly what’s going through my mind this morning, I feel I’m yearning for ‘something’, do I miss my parents? (haven’t seen them for 3years) or do I just miss a normal (not sure what normal is) childhood. Deep down its still painful, however I have gained so much, beautiful grown-up children with what I believe a stable childhood (we had no guidelines). I do know based on how my relationship is with my girls that my own upbringing was never pass on through me, although I did feel a little lost sometimes.

    Thanks. I’m rambling too.

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  3. I like who you have become very much too.:D And although there is plenty I would change about myself, there’s plenty I wouldn’t change too.

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  4. Again, you are so insightful and gentle. I love reading your posts.

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  5. after a long time of not liking myself i can now say with certainty that i do like who i am now. thanks for this wonderful post heather. XX

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  6. I wonder if I would change my life. It’s a bit of a party game, as there is no chance of doing so. Likely I would. While I’ve foul need around I’ve caused some other people to suffer, so there’s that. It’s a management illness not cureable, and that’s a strong factor. I just don’t know. And I never will.

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