I am not sure about how you feel but I tend to see the negative things about myself far more than the positive.
To make that thinking even worse is that I feel fine admitting my shortcomings but then I feel like I am bragging, showing off, or I worry what others will think.
“She’s awfully full of herself.”
“She just thinks that she is better than everyone else.”
“I don’t know who she thinks she is!”
“Miss Fancy Pants knows it all doesn’t she?”
Do you do the same thing? Show your downfalls willingly but not your strengths? Do you feel that you are being showy if you speak about yourself in a positive light? Do you worry about appearing as though you are bragging?
Or… do you just see the negatives about yourself and not the positives?
Why do we do this to ourselves?
I can not answer that questions any other way than to say that we were raised that way. Don’t brag. Don’t boast. Don’t show off.
We get a very backwards message from society that says that we should never say anything negative about others but then speaking well about ourselves is somehow wrong. How screwed up is that?
I think we need to start changing that dialogue inside of our heads but how do we do that?
Well… I am a realist from head to toe. I see very little through emotional lenses. I am not complaining about this trait. It has served me very well over the years. The only down side is that I’ve never applied my realistic attitude to this particular thought. I am going to work on changing that starting now.
I have an example of how your own self view can be so different from how others view you. I know many people who have weight issues. This becomes their focus when they view themselves. They see fat. They feel frumpy or unattractive yet these same people are referred to in such a positive way by others. “She is such a good looking woman.” “She carries herself so well.” “She really takes good care of herself.”
Why isn’t this what we say to ourselves?
I also know a few very thin people. Rather than worrying about their fat arse? They worry about how their hip bones stick out or look funny. They worry that others will assume they are anorexic. Once again, others are out there saying “My gosh she looks great.” “I wish I could eat like that and have her body.” People are generally positive.
I know full well that there will always be those that are just mean and will make you feel inferior but they are the minority. They are the minority but we give them the majority of our brain space. We really need to stop that don’t you think?
What are your positive attributes?
Are you kind?
Do you take care of yourself?
Can you do something special or different?
Do you have pretty eyes?
Is your hair done nicely?
Do you have a nice voice?
Are you creative?
Do others come to you and trust you with their problems or secrets?
Are you important to someone?
Do you love or care deeply about others?
Are you unique?
Do you have stories that can teach others valuable lessons?
Can you spot the good in others even when they don’t see it for themselves?
Wouldn’t it be a far nicer world to live in if we focused on these beautiful traits rather than the size of our arse or the bump on our nose? Our world would be filled with far happier people for sure.
I am a work in progress with this idea for sure. I always assume that others see my imperfections and it never really even occurs to me that they just might be looking at parts of me that they see as special, unique or important.
I need to start focusing on those too.
Are you with me? Are you willing to give it a try? What if we all spend this week trying to shift the way we speak about ourselves? Especially those inside voices. You know the ones. Those voices that say you are not good enough or that you’ve done less than your best. That you are lazy or whatever else you tell yourself.
Spend a full week telling those voices to be quiet and fill that space with a positive look at yourself.
I hope you will try this along with me and let me know how you feel about it all.
Have a wonderful week all of you amazing, unique, kind, lovely, giving, intelligent, creative, and supportive people. Be nice to you!
Heathers Helpers 
We pick on ourselves like there’s nobody to do it.
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I love the way you’ve worded that. So true!
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This is a great blog Heather. You know, my late sister and I always told my nieces they could be or do anything they wanted. No-one ever told US that – in fact I can recall COUNTLESS times my Mum said things like “people like us don’t do that” or, “it’s all a bit highbrow for us”. Yet in spite of our encouragement, my nieces still have confidence issues so it does seem to be human nature to be our own worse critics. I am now trying to value myself and my abilities, but when I do it STILL feels a bit….well, cocky!
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I am no psychiatrist Wendy but I believe that when we begin teaching children to think well of themselves and not count on others to do so, these children that we are raising will begin to see huge changes. It is that internal chat stuff that messes us up. With a bit of effort, that can be changed. YAY!
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Sometimes I feel like I’ve taken on my late parents full-time job of criticizing everything I do and say, so I can imagine it would be a full-time job to try and change my bad thought habits and attitude and give me a break from pain. We have enough people telling us how wrong we are just by the media alone too. We’d actually be doing ourselves a favor to be kinder to ourselves.
Also, have you ever noticed that if you argue with people’s compliments toward you that sooner or later, they’ll wonder why you keep denying what they say and maybe there might be some truth in what you believe? You can very well cause them to change what they initially thought because you wouldn’t hear and receive the kind things they had to say.
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I relate COMPLETELY! It took me a long, long time to even begin changing those thoughts but if I asked myself is what they said was really true? The answer was most often no. I also asked myself if they were really the people to listen to. Since they are the cause of my DID and my PTSD, the answer is most obviously no.
As for compliments? This one is easy! It will be hard on you at first but when you get a compliment, you only need to do one thing. Say thank you. That is it. Just say thank you no matter if you agree or not. You will give the other person a warm fuzzy knowing they have said something nice to you and that you appreciate their effort. You can do it. I promise. I’ve even stopped myself mid argument and said “Let me start that again… Thank you.”. Eventually it feels more normal.
You can do this. Have faith in yourself. You are obviously a very well spoken and intelligent person. I can tell but how you write. I appreciate your feedback. 🙂
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Wow! THANK YOU! 🙂
There. I’ve started already. 😀
It’s hard not to tell you that I have always thought myself to be a terrible communicator, but please don’t change your mind and take back your compliment because I said that. Lol
Another point I wanted to make is what you just added…. about the warm fuzzies. 🙂 You bless the person complimenting you by receiving her kind words instead of arguing. So I take it back. I’m a GREAT communicator. Lol
I appreciate you very much sharing so much about yourself. It certainly takes a lot of inner strength and trust to put it all out there. Especially with all the judgments toward those who are multiple. I look up to you and hope one day, I can gather up enough courage to be honest with myself and more open to do what it takes to heal. Thanks for responding to me. And thanks again for your compliment. It was an immediate test I surely needed.
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You passed! 😀
And I meant what I said.
I really appreciate everything that you said to me. It is nice when someone else understands the courage it takes to “come out” as a multiple. I feared the backlash so much but that has thankfully not been the reality. Not here anyways.
I hope that you do find the strength to heal. It is such hard work but it is already so hard to live with all the memories, the fragments and everything else I am sure you deal with on a daily basis. Healing is actually easier than living with it (even if it does not feel that way at the time *laugh*).
Please keep commenting from time to time and let me know how you are doing.
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