Almost impossible.

I don’t know about you, but when I care about someone? I care forever. I don’t just drop them or set them loose easily. I don’t walk away at the first sign of trouble and I am not afraid to support my friends and my family through the nitty-gritty times in life.

I am not a person who will just stop calling you or caring about you. I make time for my friends and others in my life that are very special to me. I hesitate to say “family” because most people automatically think that means your birth family and my birth family is not in my life at all for excellent reasons. I do have family now though. My husband, children and my husbands amazing, big, funny, crazy, and loving family. Did I mention crazy? 😉

For more years than I care to look back on, I hung on to destructive family members and “friends”. Okay, more truthfully? Decades.
I hung on because I was waiting for them to see me as important. I wanted them to see that I was a loving, caring, and giving. I wanted to give them my love and my support however I could but I also wanted a real family that would offer those gifts back to me. I would have settled for a phone call once every month or two, a card or a call on my birthday, a “Merry Christmas”… but these things rarely happened.
Eventually I had to stop trying because I was expending a ton of energy and getting nothing but heartache back. That did not help me heal or grow at all.

After letting people go one by one (it took me 10 years to actually give up on all of them), I began to realize something that I now see as a very important lesson. I realized that for every negative space I emptied out, I was making room and creating energy for the positive.
Letting go of someone who spoke to me disrespectfully made room for people who respected what I said.
“Phasing out” siblings that ignored me and cared little about the efforts I made to reach out to them made room for members of my husbands family whom include me happily in anything they do.
Saying goodbye to friends that I loved with all my heart yet were not capable of giving that back in many ways gave me time to heal from being set aside like I didn’t matter. I was able to eventually move on and make many new friends or reach out and give more time to ones I already had. I no longer count on one person alone and I try to make friends with people who also have more than just me. It feels really good to feel cared about, important and loved amongst my small(ish) group of close friends. I am also able to offer them more of my time and energy so they know how important they are to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that removing hurtful or toxic people from my life has made room for more support and love from people that really do care. It was hard to do all this as it goes against every grain in my body but it was so very worth it in the end!
The next time you need to say goodbye to someone you truly care about, try to remind yourself that you just made room for a healthier and happier relationship. It helps to keep your eye on the prize. 🙂Scissors

17 responses to “Almost impossible.

  1. I have ‘often’ found myself in this situation, through out my life. I like to think I deal with this scenario better now than I used too. I have had to disconnect from people who are bad for me but when it comes to family (including life long and close friends) I try to remind myself that there are times we are just on different paths and I have hopes that we will either learn to appreciate each others journey or reconnect again in time. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it was food for mine 🙂

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    • I appreciate your words! You are very articulate and express yourself so well. There is a saying somewhere that says something like “You have to let people go. Everyone who is in your life is meant to be part of your journey but not all are meant to stay until the end.” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your blog really challenged me to look at some of the relationships I keep giving to and get in return criticism and judgments. I am so afraid to let them go. Who would I be without them. They have been part of my life forever. I have taken steps and stopped looking for what I always wanted in these relationships – love, gentleness, kindness and care. I have these in my life now and I have a home that is filled with it. These are the relationships I cherish now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I will continue to reflect on what you wrote.

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    • Thanks. It is hard and I don’t envy your position. I AM thrilled though that you have surrounded yourself within your home with what you want though. Everyone in those walls is very lucky I am sure! I was afraid to let go too. ESPECIALLY all my birth family. No matter how horrible they were? They were my family and without them… who was I?
      Let me know how you do with this and I send you warm and strong thoughts.

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  3. Good for you, Heather…..everything you say makes total sense. Our relationships should give us what we need, and if they don’t, we need to reassess. I appreciate your wisdom…and your quote is amazing!

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    • Thanks Janet. 🙂 This is a HARD one for me as I hate letting people go but just finally realized that I wasn’t really letting go as much as I was gaining room for more positive. Still really tough though!

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  4. Awesome Advice! Love your saying… it fits so well! After having to do this in my own life I totally agree… having more room for the positive has been the biggest of blessings!

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  5. Hi Heather, this speaks volumes to me today, great post

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  6. So much THIS. I still struggle to find those healthy reciprocal relationships, but I have learned that I don’t want to have to make space for negative people in my life. Great post!

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    • This was BY FAR my biggest life challenge. It caused me more pain than any other change I had to make BUT once I actually did it? (An 8 year process in total.) I can not believe how much better my life became. I am not REALLY choosy about whom I allow in my inner circle. I am not at all hard to get to know but if it is a person that just makes me feel terrible after speaking to them or zaps my energy, I know they are not healthy for me. I really hope you keep working towards surrounding yourself with the circle that makes you feel like you are the awesome person that you are.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I could have written this post myself. I did a very similar thing by slowly cutting out all of the toxic people in my life and meeting or er-connecting with healthier, more stable people. Now I call them my “tribe” and they are my TRUE family 🙂

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  8. Reblogged this on Marci, Mental Health, & More and commented:
    I’m like this too

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