Category Archives: Courage

Helpers

What a week I’ve had here! How has yours been?
I have been very busy each day so I am grateful for a chance to sit down to write a blog and relax a bit. I hope you’ll enjoy sitting down for a bit while you read it.

I haven’t discussed the Helpers in quite some time because I’ve been going through a very uncertain time with them and felt it was time for that side of my life to be private for a while. I think we all needed it.

On Wednesday I was in to see my therapist and what a wacky session it was from my point of view. I’ll have to ask her how it was for her when I see her next week. I try very, very hard not to dissociate while there but at times it is impossible. Wednesday was just such a day. I arrived for my appointment feeling the anxiety of at least a dozen parts of myself. A man answered his phone in the waiting room and I nearly jumped out f my skin. Doesn’t everyone know that silence and complete stillness is a good thing? 😉

It wasn’t even just Wednesday. It’s been at least a week now of odd feelings and confusion that has not existed in a very long time. An urge to self harm, drink, drive off the road, say a hearty “F*** YOU” to anyone who was even looking at me. I guarantee you that these are not traits of mine alone. I know the Helpers that feel these ways and want these things. I do my best to give them what they need so that the destructive side of them will be calmed down and we can live life the way we have all chosen to live it. The trouble is that I am sometimes not in a good place to be giving much to them if I am having a hard time myself.
We have made it through the week without any “maladaptive” behaviours but I am quite frankly exhausted from holding it all back. Only 2 more really busy days and then a day off. A much-needed day off.

I have been working for the past few months to create some co-consciousness with my Helpers. If you are unfamiliar with that term (as I was until rather recently), co-consciousness is having awareness of another part and if all goes really well, working with that part/Helper to deal with issues together. It is not integration or becoming one. It is more like both being in the room at the same time. Some people seem to have this ability or skill right off the bat but for me? When my Helpers are out, I am not. I had no clue what they were up to. I am hoping that developing some co-consciousness will help us work together in a smoother fashion.

While at my appointment, my therapist seemed to know that it was not “Heather” who arrived at the appointment and she was partially right. I felt like I was there with a half-dozen others and all their feelings were all over the place. A little closer to the end of the appointment, she asked me how the little ones felt about her retirement in June. The adult Heather (me) has been taking it really well. Almost too well. When she asked how the little ones felt about it, I felt this overwhelming presence of the little ones. They did not take over but their obvious distress was felt full force by me. They/I began to cry and feel heartbroken. We were suddenly very little again. I felt them. Small, scared, heartbroken, wanting to be held and hugged, wanting a real mother, and such a huge amount of loss.

I take my therapy very seriously and I have promised myself to always be willing to go wherever I need to go for healing to take place. It does not matter how painful it is. I truly feel that things hurt more when left to fester inside and are worth the discomfort of allowing them to come out.
That said? On Wednesday? I wanted to beg my therapist to stop. It just hurt SO MUCH. I felt like I couldn’t possibly take it for even one more moment. I held on though and still feel like I was kicked in the gut.

I am sorry if todays blog is a bit disjointed but I am dealing with a lot of Helpers still today. Co-consciousness is my goal but getting there is going to be a very bumpy road. I’d actually love to hear from others who have either tried to develop this skill, already have it and how you control it, or those whom support others through it. Do you have any advice for me? Tips and tricks that could help me or others whom read my blog?

I really hope that you have a great weekend and I think that next week I am going to try to let a few of the Helpers lead the blog for that day. Who knows? It might even happen. *laugh*

As a parting note. For those of you whom are newer to my blog, I wanted to post the quote that gave me the inspiration to call my other parts “Helpers”. A positive quote and a positive connotation for my Helpers. Helpers

 

Hard work.

As you all saw a few weeks ago, I have a new puppy. He is growing like a weed and eating like a horse, yet he has found his way straight in to my heart.
That said, puppies are hard work. A LOT of hard work. For every minute of cute, there are at least 9 minutes of hard work.
I’ve seen a lot of ads lately on a “Snowdog” site that I am a part of where they are offering their slightly older puppies up for a new adoption at a greatly reduced price. These are not bad people with bad intentions, they are people who saw the cute puppy and assumed that sweet little face wouldn’t be as much trouble as they are. I am NOT making a judgment here. Not at all. It has made me think though…

First of all, here are my 2 favourite fur babies in the world.
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They are both beautiful, cute, sweet as can be… and a LOT of hard work.
We are up with the puppy twice each night to let him outside in to the cold for a pee. We are out in the cold too and it is not fun at 4am!
We must keep an eye on him at every second because with each new day of growth, he hits a new height of treasures he could not reach before. This week it was the 3 recycle bins, the garbage in my office, my husbands neatly stacked wood splits for the fire and the edge of almost every table we own. Tonka will soon believe his name is “Tonka-No”
His food is super expensive because a puppy that grows as fast as he is (he’s gained 8 pounds in the past 3 weeks) needs excellent nutrition.
We can not just leave him alone for hours and go off to do whatever we wish to do. His bladder is not strong enough yet and we do not wish to stall his house-training.
And poop duty… oh gross.
And he bites. HOLY CRAP those little razor-sharp puppy teeth want to sink in to everything. Hands, ankles, earlobes, my hair and head… it is all fair game. He is not a bad dog or a “biter”, he is a puppy and puppies need to learn that human beings are not chew toys. Until he learns that? We are.
He’s earned a second nickname besides “Tonka-No”, he is also known as “Jaws”.

I do not list all that to complain. He is not our first puppy. We knew what we were getting in to and we did so willingly because we know that as he grows and learns, he will become a very well-behaved and treasured part of our lives. I just feel that some people do not really know the reality of puppies when they get one. It really is 1 part cuteness and cuddles vs. 9 parts hard work.

The same can be said for almost anything that is really worthwhile. How many months does it take to get those tomato seeds to go from where you are making a huge mess planting tomatoes in your home (if you are Canadian you have to start them inside LOL), remembering to water, fertilize, split, replant and weed on a regular basis before you get to pick even one tomato off of your plant?
It is like a puppy. 1 part yummy and beautiful vs. 9 parts hard work.

Your job (ANY JOB) is often the same. How many days do you work before someone says something nice to you or you complete a project? How many snotty noses until an “I love you mommy/daddy”? 1 part “pat on the back” vs. 9 parts of no one giving you a glance.

Does this mean that we shouldn’t bother with puppies, fresh tomatoes, children or jobs? Of course not!!! The end, no matter how hard the work, is often so worth it.

This is one place where I think we can often lose motivation when it comes to ourselves though. Mental or physical well-being takes a lot of hard work. Recovery can be such a huge uphill climb and like these other examples, we might manage to raise ourselves up one notch then fall back 3, or 6, or 9 times…
We might get so fed up with all the hard work that we feel like giving up. This is why I wanted to write today’s blog about my pain in the arse yet really cute puppy. He is just a really good example of well-being. It is hard work. We get him on the lawn for his business then turn around to clean a mess he did in the house. Our own skills are much the same. You will get it right and you will get it wrong. You might get it wrong a lot at first and right only now and then. BUT!!!! If you stick with whatever you are working on? You will eventually master your goal.

Hard work doesn’t mean it is not worthwhile.
Hard work often means that it is.

Now back to that 1 part cute and not the picture of the poop I cleaned up out of the house an hour ago, the clump of fluff he pulled out from the box-spring mattress this morning, the mess he made with the bit of oatmeal and fruit he had for breakfast (that I am still removing from his fur), or the scratch marks on my husbands face from an early morning wake up call…
He is such a lot of hard work but look at him right now asleep with his sister.
So cute… and so worth it all.
TonkaHave a great week and work hard. It’ll be worth it in the end. 🙂

Stop and look…

I have something that I have been doing for the past few years and it makes a HUGE difference in my life. I suppose I have danced around the behavior many times but I’ve never done a blog on it. So here it goes. 🙂

When we are in recovery or even in the most stables of lives, we make constant changes and decisions. We learn. We move forwards, we fall backwards. We feel great and then horrible. We work hard and do a great job working on a task then it doesn’t work out. That is life. Up, down and all around.

I don’t know about you but for me? Recovery and wellness seem to take a LOT of work and each time that I reach a goal, the list of goals still yet to achieve seems to grow longer rather than shorter.
So here is what I started doing 3 years ago while hospitalized. I can not take credit for this. It was taught to me and I am very grateful for this lesson. Mind you, in all truth, this whole blog is about what I learned. 🙂

I was encouraged to make an “Accomplishment List”. Each time I felt that I had done something well, learned something new, made some good choices, or anything else that was a step forward in my mind, was to be written on this list. I know a lot of people who didn’t bother doing it and even more who stopped doing it after leaving the program but I have found it is immeasurably important to do on a constant basis.
I also stop and take time to look over how far I have come every once in a while. I ignore the work yet to be done and forget about the future as a whole. I take that piece of time to just pay attention to the right now. Today. This moment in time.

I do not do this on a schedule. I actually find that I like to do it after I have gone through a really rough time. It is nice to stop and think about how much better I handled it, how I felt more at ease… whatever.
I really like doing this with my therapist, a friend, my hubby, quite frankly, anyone who will listen to me because it is so easy to only report the negative to all of those people. It is an easy habit to fall in to. Sharing complaints only. It is nice to stop and say “Look how much better I am doing!”

I just went through a really hard anniversary, I’ve been ill with 8 infections and used 12 prescriptions to solve the issue since January 10th (and I am normally healthy as can be), my birth father sank to new lows, a good friend stopped contacting me, and a few other thing. I ended up falling in to a deeper depression than I have in quite some time. BUT… this is where my “Accomplishment List” comes in…

While dealing with all these things, I did not go silent which I normally do. I can write anything at all but actually opening up and speaking when times are tough has not been my strong suit. In the past few months I HAVE reached out. I told my husband why I was feeling down and admitted that I was having a hard time. I talked to a couple of friends and brought the tough stuff to my therapist.
I stayed on top of each infection as it happened and even though I got really fed up with it all, I just moved forwards each day.
I also set a couple of HUGE boundaries in my life which were very stressful because there was a lot of emotion involved in both decisions but after making them and respecting myself, I started to feel much better.
There is even more than this but I’ve been “braggy” enough already. 🙂
It just feels really good sometimes to stop and look at the changes you have made.

Do you keep a list of the positive things that you do in your life?
This list need not be huge things.

  • If you find it hard to get out of bed each day but do it anyways? That should go on your list!
  • If you manage to make a healthy meal 5 days out of 7?
  • Keep a boundary or set a good one?
  • Still alive even though you had days where you didn’t want to be?
  • Start a new healthy habit?
  • Take time for yourself?
  • Have another day, week or month sober? (I am 17 years in yet I still celebrate it as an accomplishment.)
  • Find time to create/write/sing…?
  • Deal with a tough subject.
  • Go through a hard time and manage to avoid doing what you usually do? Maybe you reached out this time? Tried something new?

Your list can be the smallest of efforts to the grandest of gestures. The important thing is just to stop and look at where you were a few months ago and how far you have come. Even tiny changes add up over time so you may suddenly be in a situation that would have crushed you a year ago but now you deal with it better than you expected to. Stop and congratulate yourself. You are making progress.

I hope you will try doing this for a while and let me know how it goes.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Web

Value Your Survival Skills

Value

It can be really tough to look at the symptoms that are caused by whichever disorder we’ve been burdened with and feel thankful. Who would feel thankful for dissociations, unexplained body pain that never ceases yet a mind that feels nothing? Anger, depressions, anxiety, feeling absolutely crazy, and afraid to make friends or trust anyone at all. There are so many different symptoms that I just can not cover them all but you know what you deal with and it really sucks doesn’t it?

So let’s look back a bit to the time when those behaviors were not symptoms yet.
Back to a time when they are what helped us survive.
They were not symptoms then, they were SKILLS.
We needed them. Quite often they saved our lives.

Any good therapist or doctor will tell you that although these skills were useful in the past, they are not helping us now. We know that but we need to be taught how to cope without using them.

It is in that in-between time that we often feel very critical of ourselves.
Why can’t we feel things?
Why can’t we trust someone who we know is trustworthy?
Why do I struggle with addiction? (Food, alcohol, drugs, sex…)
Why do I hurt myself to feel better?
Why do we feel such anger that it is more like a venomous rage?
Why do we then feel nothing?
Why do we eat so much or so little?
Why can’t we stop zoning out?
Why are we depressed when everything seems to be going well?
Why are we so anxious that it can be hard to leave home?
Why do we say or do things to cause distance with others?
We can often feel dead inside. Why can’t we feel?
Why do we want to be alone yet feel shunned?
What the heck is wrong with us?
Why can’t we just be “normal”?

Those questions haunt so many of us and I am sure you can relate to at least a few. It feels awful to be stuck where we do not want to be. It is very easy to be unhappy with ourselves and we want to do better but it takes a lot of hard work and a lot of time to change.

Maybe we can do something a little different when we feel like being hard on ourselves for our now dysfunctional coping.
Perhaps we can look at these “symptoms” and see that they were not born out of weakness but rather born our of the will to survive. We are not weak or frigged up because of them. These symptoms just show how incredibly resilient we were.  We made it through all that we dealt with thanks to those skills.

We also know that we need to work towards healthier coping skills in our lives now but I find that making steps forward is a lot easier when we stop putting ourselves down for who we are at that moment.
Accept yourself for who you are and where you are. You are a survivor. Nothing less. You are strong and good and kind. The people who’ve been hurt the most almost always are.

You will change in time. You will make healthier choices and move forward in positive ways. Allow yourself to accept who you are right now and that change will happen faster.

I learned to value my skills and it changed my life. I had more compassion for myself. I was no longer sorry for how I acted or felt. I had every good reason to be exactly where I was. Any person who lived through my life would do no better.
Maya Angelou said “When you know better, you do better.”
Wherever you are right now is the best you can do. As you learn? You can do more.
Maya Angelou also said “When you learn. Teach.”
One day you will be in a place where others will look at you and learn from your climb.

You survived. However you achieved that? Good for you!!!

Shame vs. Guilt in Trauma

I love Brene Brown and I know many of you do as well. I am not positive if she was actually the first person to say this because I heard it long before she came along but it seems she is getting credit for it. Who am I to argue? This quote means a lot to me and a lot to my recovery. ShameI am sure you just read the quote but did you really allow it to sink in?

Trauma is a secret for many reasons but a big one that keeps so many people quiet is the shame we feel. I recall going in to hospital and telling my nurse what a gross, disgusting, pathetic, useless human being I was. I felt and believed that I was dirty and if anyone knew my secrets, they would find that out about me and feel that way too. I really believed that. Hook, line, and sinker.
Taking on personal responsibility for the things that had happened to me seemed right. I know I am not alone here. Not even close to alone. There is a huge percentage of the “trauma” population that carry personal guilt for things that they do not need to feel guilt over.

For me personally, it looked like this…
I should have told more people.
I should have reached out in another way.
I should have known better.
I should have run away.
I should have screamed.
I was weak.
I thought he/she loved me.
Sometimes I liked it.
I am just imagining these things.
I am gross.
I am not trustworthy.
If it really happened, I’d feel emotional about it.
I am nothing but a piece of cement. Cold and heartless.
I don’t cry therefore I must have wanted it in some way.
The list is endless but if it was negative and I could take it personally? I did.

It took me a long time to really understand that I did not own any of that shame. Even now that I know better, I still have times where I revert to that old thinking and question if it really was ME that was the problem. Honestly? After a rough week last week? I am questioning myself about it today. Don’t worry though. I know better in my head. My brain just needs a bit longer to get through to my heart. Hopefully one day I won’t even need a moment before that happens. I believe I can get there. Eventually.

Did I own the shame that I carried with me? Do you?
Did I cause the abuse? Did you?
Was I old enough or prepared to deal with what happened? Were you?
Am I the dirty, gross, disgusting one? Are you?

If you said yes to any of those? That is shame talking.
It is the voice of the abuser(s) revolving inside your head. Even if they never used those words, they are the ones that planted the seed in your heart saying that everything only happened because you wanted or deserved it in some way.
Shame is that part of you that says to yourself “I am wrong. I am unworthy. I am to blame. I am gross.” Shame is when you think to yourself that you are the one in the wrong. Without your gross self, this would have never happened.
But is that true?

If you and your shame were not in the picture, would that abuse not have happened? Would no other little girl, little boy, man or woman have been abused instead? Was it really YOU personally or was it a victim they wanted?
My abuse began at home and when either of your parents or any siblings are involved, It is hard to not take it personally but once again you need to ask yourself… if another baby boy or baby girl had been born, would they have fared any better? The answer is no.

Guilt is far easier to deal with in my opinion. Once you remove shame, guilt is just the stuff that you actually cause. Today. As an adult. Not something you did when you were knee-high to a grasshopper. Or worse? A teenager. 😉 You have to let that crap go. You were a kid and kids do dumb things.

As an adult? We feel guilty and rightly so when we do harm to someone else. Telling lies, presenting yourself as someone you are not, stealing, cheating, being an arsehole, saying something hurtful… the list is long but if you are trying to be a good person, you will not be doing these things all the time. They will happen once in a while. You need to feel badly, admit that you feel badly, ask for forgiveness, and then allow yourself to move past it. Feeling guilty is a good thing during these times. It shows you and the world that you do not taking harming anyone in any way lightly That you are a good person despite your mess-ups which we all have.

A friend of mine posted this to Facebook while I was writing this and it is so good as an addition to this blog. Thanks Debbie!
Have a good Monday, a great week and try… try very hard to start putting shame where it belongs. Do you know where that is???
It belong on the person who caused the shame in the first place. The abuser. That is where it belongs.

Shame2

Pervasive Negative Thinking – Part 2

Hello all! I am sorry this did not get posted on Friday but as you saw last Monday, we are living in Puppyville right now and our new fur baby has kept us busy. He’s sleeping right now with his big sister so I have time to do the second part of this blog. 🙂 A bit of cuteness first you say??? Oh, okay. If I must. He’s waving hello.
DSCN2947
Pervasive Negative Thinking Part 2. A few more suggestions. 🙂

How about we start with being more compassionate with ourselves?
It is natural to have negative thoughts. No one is happy all the time. Daily ups and downs help make life better for us in the long run. Even the “bad” stuff can help us appreciate the good more or perhaps even learn a lesson that we otherwise would not have learned.
People who are in counselling who are able to acknowledge feeling both good and bad feelings make more positive changes than people who do not.

Suppressing negative thoughts can backfire. There was a study once where participants were told not to think about a white bear. Of course they thought about it almost constantly… and you are thinking about one right now aren’t you? 😉 When a white bear is just there in a room and people are not told to ignore it, they hardly think about it at all.
If you have a good friend or are in therapy, make time to discuss some of your negative thoughts. Getting them outside of your head can help you move past them far quicker.

One quote that I love is by Tori Rodriguez.
“A thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling.”
It sounds simple but we often give our power to our thoughts. We feel upset about a certain situation and we can react as though there is no other way to think about it. Like that thought owns you rather than the other way around.
Having a negative thought is normal and healthy. Putting a cape on it so it can fly around knocking everything all over the place is not.

Now here is a hard one. Let go of jealousy.
We all like to think that we are not jealous people but jealousy is insidious.
Our lives would be better if we were thinner, stronger, richer, better, prettier or more handsome, smarter, warmer, colder, healthier… Almost every one of us has at least one area where we look at others and think “If I was just _______, my life would be better or easier”. In truth? They are thinking the exact same thing but perhaps just a different topic. In Buddhism (which I follow), there are 4 “truths/levels”. The first one is that every single person suffers. This is the human condition. It is not a bad thing, it just ties us all together. No one has a perfect life no matter what they show on the outside.  Never compare yourself to anyone else. You do not know the full story… and they do not know yours.

How about a few easy suggestions? When you can’t shake those negative thoughts, take a walk, exercise in your favourite way, listen to upbeat music, distract yourself, or schedule some worry time in to each day.

Another technique. “Repeat after me…”
There is a technique called “cognitive diffusion”. If there is a word or phrase that you think to yourself far too often, repeat it over and over again for a couple of minutes. An example. What if I always call myself stupid? I would say “I’m stupid.” Over and over again for two minutes. At first it feels very real but by the end, it should have lost some of its power. If you need to do it one time or ten times, it doesn’t matter. Just repeat the technique until you feel the power within those words lose their grip.

Journal it. Writing a problem down can help you think less about it. Spending 20 minutes a day writing down your worries can significantly diffuse them. I actually calm down A LOT after I write something out. It feels like I get things sorted out better because I have to slow down to write.

This one might seem silly but it really works for some people.
Jot your problem on a piece of paper. Rip up the paper and throw it out. Toss that thought in the trash and leave it there. It it is a big thought that holds a lot of power? I like to write it down, scribble all over it, crumple it up and burn it (safely). Do what works for you.

Just remember this one last piece of advice…
Being negative is often due to many reasons. It probably took you a long time to find your thinking where it is now. Family, friends, circumstances…
For this reason, please be patient with yourself. Changing thinking takes time and practice. Be very forgiving of yourself and don’t quit.
I had a way of reacting to people who I really did not like about myself. I tried and tried to change it but that negative view held on. It actually took me several years to have it stop completely but I did notice small improvements along the way.  Giving up is the only way to lose at this.

Have a terrific week. Let me know if any of the suggestions help you.

Happy

Pervasive Negative Thinking

I was asked to do a blog on this several weeks ago and I know I used to be far more negative all the time but truthfully? Other than knowing I have a better handle on it now, I could not pinpoint what strategies have worked for me as they are blissfully just “normal” for me now. I’ve been paying more attention to this issue over the past few weeks so I could write this blog.

Pervasive negative thinking is more than just being a pessimist. It is more of a “black cloud” cast over everything and it can often leave you feeling depressed or hopeless. For many it can feel like the negative things in life just never stop, like you never really get a break. Sometimes this is reality for a while but when you go from one bad run to the next bad run, you just may be dealing with some pervasive negative thinking more than just bad luck.

I want to explain this well enough so that an occasional whine with cheese or pity party is looked at as normal. The difference is how you tend to look at things over the longer term. Pervasive negative thinking is not really about what happens to you, it is how you handle it or how you view it.

So let’s do a bit of work here today okay? To help ourselves with those negative thoughts that just seem to swirl around in our heads a little too often for our liking.

Lets start with some facts. I am a realist so facts are my favourite thing!
Did you know that 85% of what we worry about end up having a positive or a neutral outcome? 85%!!! So here we sit worrying about whatever we worry about and it will only come true or be a negative outcome 1.5 in 10 times. Holy crap right?
THEN! As if 85% wasn’t already good enough? If that 1.5 in 10 actually happens? 80% will say they handled it better than they thought they would.
I love facts but I love to be straight too…
All these numbers basically mean that we worry for nothing 85% of the time and then even when the poop DOES hit the fan? We handle it far better than we thought we could or would.
Isn’t that great to know?

Something that is also considered pervasive negative thought is when you just assume the worst will happen. Someone is late getting home and you automatically think they have been in a car accident and you have limbs all over the freeway in your mind. Go ahead and laugh now. I know that you know what I am talking about here.
Bad things do happen but not with the regularity that we expect them too.
When these thoughts come to your mind, come up with alternatives.
Perhaps traffic was bad? Maybe they stopped to get a lotto ticket? They could even just be an inconsiderate nincompoop that just couldn’t be bothered to call to tell you that they were going to stop for a beer after work with friends. You may not LIKE the alternative ideas but none of them include car accidents or limbs.

I love this next one. It is called “learned optimism”. The best part is that you can learn it. You don’t need to be born as one of those occasionally annoying “always happy” people. 😉 You just pictured someone didn’t you! 😀
Back to my point. Learning optimism is done by taking the way you see a situation in a negative light and flipping it around to something more positive.
Let’s say you fail a test. We might be tempted to say we are stupid, should have studied more (even if we studied plenty), assume ourselves to be a failure and other negative conclusions.
The trick here is to stop taking things so personally. LOTS of people fail tests. They are not all a bunch of idiots. Many people study but still can not pass a test. Does this make them worthless? Hint: No, it doesn’t. 😉
Most negative experiences are really just unlucky situations. It is not personal nor is it permanent.

Some people have a hard time with this one but I am telling you, it works. Rather than worrying about some future event and trying to just forget about it (like that ever works?), think about it. Really think about it.
Are you afraid that your house will burn down? Many people are. Not worrying won’t help you here so why not think about the worst then plan for it?
Go buy good fire detectors for every room. Change the batteries every time the clocks jump forward or fall back (every 6 months). Have fire extinguishers available in worrisome areas like your kitchen or workshop. Buy appliances with automatic shut off functions. Practice escape routes. You will not be able to stop every fire that happens to people or even yourself but if you are ready and have made plans for this just in case? You will be able to rest far easier.

I think I will finish up here for today. That is enough information. On Friday I will continue with another train of thought. How to dispute your thoughts. Everyone “loves” a good fight in their own head right? 😉

Just remember… Most negative experiences are really just unlucky situations.
It is not personal nor is it permanent.

Here is a great word chart with some words to help you re-frame the way you see something. It has helped me. Replacing words