March 1st, 2016

I am here today to write a blog that has been living in my heart. No advice, no amusing quips, no cute pictures to post on Facebook…
This just me and a small yet gigantic part of who I am.
If you are having a hard day already, this blog might be better read at another time. There will be no details given but the topic is heavy.

March 1st is a day that haunts me. It is the day that I lost my son Marcus.
Let me take that back. I need to start using the right words.
It is the day my son was murdered.
This is the day that haunts my days and my dreams.
This day is not the reason why I developed DID (dissociative Identity Disorder), nor is it the day that caused my Complex PTSD. Those were already within me and caused by my childhood, but that said? This is the day that took what was left of my mental health and crushed it.

Babyloss

I never use the word “murdered”. It just sounds so horrible. It also starts the questions… Who? What? Where? When? Why? Was the person caught? Was she persecuted? Most people actually assume it was a “he” and I don’t bother to correct them. Admitting it was a “she” only opens up to more questions that are painful and downright impossible to answer. This person still lives free as a bird and although I have to believe for my own sanity that there is a deep down part in her that feels horribly about this, my intuition knows otherwise.
Under all the questions is my heart. A heart that is trying to grapple with the truth of that day. Not only the loss of my son but the loss of all belief that my world could ever be a good one. Trust died right then and there.

Babyloss2

This day for me is not an easy one. I don’t normally ever talk about it to anyone but over the past 3 years, I have begun to take the shame and secrecy away from it all. I first had to learn that it was not my fault.
I think every mother feels total responsibility for their child and we protect them fiercely. How many saying are there about not getting between a mamma and her cubs? Even when there is absolutely nothing we can do to change or fix a situation, we still feel that somehow, we should have been able to. I did not only feel this to be true, I believed it with my whole heart. I seemed to have forgotten that I was just young and that I had no say AT ALL in what happened to me or my child. None.
And I was dealing with a monster willing to do unspeakable acts to protect her reputation from being tarnished in any way.

Babyloss1

So today… for Marcus and for myself, I am taking down my walls and showing you my heart. A heart that feels very battered and bruised today.
I do not do this for sympathy. I do it because I know that others will understand. It may not be a murder. It could be any major trauma that lives within your heart. Besides Marcus and his story, there is physical, sexual, emotional, neglectful abuse that lives right alongside him. Anyone who harbours any of these issues within their heart will understand.
Compassionate and empathetic friends and family will try to feel it too.
I appreciate anyone who tries.
Most people do not/can not. 😦

For my son Marcus. With love. Your Mom.

Mask

25 responses to “March 1st, 2016

  1. I wish you a day with less pain. With this post you’ve done a lot for poeple who have lost somebody or something. I hope many of us find inspiration in these words. Keep your head up ❤️

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  2. I know losing a child under any circumstances takes a piece of your heart you never get back. Losing a child under those circumstances is a hurt most of us can’t even begin to imagine. You are so courageous to share your terrible hurt Heather. Much love and many hugs to you.xxx

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  3. A big hug to you Heather 😥

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  4. I’m so sorry for your loss…

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  5. I will be thinking of you and Marcus today.

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  6. Oh, I feel for you…….keeping you and Marcus in my thoughts and prayers

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  7. Hugs to you… remembering you and Marcus today… ❤

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  8. My heart is with you. xxx

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  9. Beautiful Heather, I just feel compelled to

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  10. Apparently i feel compelled to hit send before saying anything. ..

    You are such a supportive force in this community. Please know that you don’t have to apologize for posting something you need to share or for, in this case, asking us to hold a space to honor both your son and the grief you feel for his loss. The educational and positive posts you usually share are wonderful – some of my favorite, in fact, but I’m glad you let yourself share your thoughts on this as well.
    I can’t begin to imagine what your experience is like, but I appreciate getting to know who you are a little better.
    I am so sorry for your loss. Little Marcus and you were both cheated out of so many experiences together. No words can really do justice to that, but don’t stop sharing… I think all of us here are honored to offer you the support you so often give to the rest of us.
    Do take a little extra care of yourself this week… and know that you can ask this community for support at anytime.
    You and Marcus will be in my thoughts, luv. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

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    • Thank you for all of your comments. I send things too early all the time!
      I do not feel badly for posting these blogs when I feel down. I just like to give fair warning to readers that I am going to discuss a tough subject. If they are not in a good place themselves on that day, it might not be wise. Know what I mean? I wish other bloggers would do that for me! LOL
      I saw my therapist on the day he was killed and we processed a lot of it. The Lady Gaga performance that I share really touched me too. I still feel very battered and bruised this week but I am coping as well as I think anyone would.
      I really appreciate you taking time to comment and share your feelings of support. It is so appreciated! Support is not easy to find.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Btw, i really really loved your poetry and the picture you shared.

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  12. Eileen Matthews

    Heather, I really don’t know what to say, other than you are brave to share this, I cannot even imagine what this is like, it’s beyond! Hugs to you my friend………..

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    • Thank you Eileen. This is always a really tough week for me but I am managing through it. Hopefully I will begin to feel a little brighter again soon. I appreciate your comment. 🙂

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. I can imagine how much you are hurting. I couldnt watch the video it said it was private, but I will search for it on youtube. XX

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