An alternate reality.

I live between 2 worlds.

In one world, it is December 21st and there is Christmas everywhere. Nice Christmas. Loving Christmas. Peaceful, joyous, and hopeful.
It is not a perfect Christmas. There is too much to do, we miss some of our loved ones a little more than usual, the cookies got burnt and we still haven’t found the perfect gift for Aunt Ellen but all in all, Christmas is beautiful.
All those pretty lights, magical trees, excited children, memories of Christmas past that brings  a smile to our faces.
I see cards, emails and Facebook posts that never seem to end that announce the glorious joy of Christmastime.

Then their is another world.
It is December 21st and the world is filled with loneliness, hurt feelings and sadness. This other world is filled with people who try to be happy and play along with the people who live in the other world but no matter how hard they try, they are not a part of it. Not this year anyways.
Their are good days and moments of joy but overwhelmingly, a sadness has settled in to our hearts.
Those beautiful cards wishing you a joyous season, emails from loving friends who try to be there for you and want your Christmas to be bright, and that friggen Facebook (sorry Facebook) filled with post after post after post about love, joy, pictures of children with Santa or families spending time together are everywhere. Then add in how people from that other world miss their mothers or fathers…

I have always promised to be honest and even though I will be sort of crapping on Christmas here a bit? It is how I feel and I know that I am not at all alone.

For people who live in the first world? I am so happy for you. I really am. I wish you nothing but continued joy and wonderful memories. I hope that the things that go wrong stay small and make you laugh. If you are missing a loved one? I am very sorry for your loss. I really am. I am happy for you though that your memories of that person are good and loving. Missing someone shows that you loved them and I am sure they loved you too . That is a gift.

And for the second world.
Christmas is hard. I know it is. I would never wish even one lonely or triggering moment on anyone but I know that Christmas is filled with them.
It is hard for those who live in world one to understand why Christmas is so hard for us. They try to cheer us with some little thing that we do have in our lives and encourage us to be grateful. I get it. They mean good by it.
Those loving posts about mothers and father who have passed are the most triggering for me. Just as Mothers and Fathers Days are hard, so is Christmas. I read this and try to be happy for the person who feels it but it feels like dagger to my heart. There are no good memories for me and I feel even more lonely than I did before.
MomI will be honest here. This post just makes me want to cry.
Your Mom… no one can replace her, no one can compare to her, no one can love you more than she can, there is nothing like a mothers love…
This just reminds me that the one person who can never be replaced and should have loved me more than anything else in the world doesn’t exist for me.
There is no love from Mom in my life. In fact? She’s done her very best to hurt me and continue to hurt me in any ways she can for 45 years and counting.

So I am happy for first world people who feel this but I also want people to understand how this can feel like a dagger to other.
Posts about loving mothers, protective fathers, loving families and Christmas joy are beautiful but they are not everyone’s reality.
Plus… it is rude to reply to these loving posts with words like “Bullsh*t!”, “Must be nice!”, “My mother was none of this.”, or “Are you just trying to torture me?”.
No one from world 2 wants to ruin things for those in world 1.

So what do we do?
I was thinking that I may start a new line of cards for different occasions. I can all them “Alternate Reality Cards” and they will go something like this…
That would be a better post for me to see. At least I would feel understood. It would be just as easy to make them for fathers, brothers, sisters, so-called families and family friends. The list is endless.

You all know that I always try to lean on the side of positivity but quite frankly? This week? This is how I feel and if there are others out there that are feeling the same way? I want them to know they are not alone.
Merry It’s Nearly Over Thank Goodness!!!!
Hugs to all!

4 responses to “An alternate reality.

  1. Hugs right back atcha! I’m planning to spend the four days of Christmas in true introvert style: cats, dogs, books, Netflix, wine, making art, and sleeping in. I’ve worked it out so that I’ll only have to leave the house / yard for dog walks for that whole time. Yay!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good for you!!! It sounds like you’ve really thought it all out. I thought I had it figured out too but I must make a mental note to plan next year even better. Enjoy your time with your sweet pets.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The way you write says so much more than I dare let come out of my mouth. Your words open up a part of me that I before felt no one understood. I agree with everything you wrote. Half of the posts I see on facebook about love….to me they are just covering up something else and I wonder, no one can actually feel what they post. I know how inadequate this is, but I would like to send you hugs and so many thank yous for telling truthfully how you feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Lynn. A few years ago I felt VERY alone in how I felt. I was fortunate to learn that others really did feel what I felt. I am sorry that they held the same pain but I was happy to know that it wasn’t just me. It was very healing.
      I wanted to write a blog yesterday and just couldn’t do it. I was searching for something meaningful and cheerful. I just don’t feel that right now so when I finally allowed myself to be honest, this just poured out.
      Your hugs sent back to me and your comment are not inadequate at all. You’ve just proven that my gut was right and I am not alone. Now you know that you aren’t either. Contact me any time.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s