A Dissociative Day

I am thankful for many things in my life and one of the things I appreciate the most is the realization that I have a lot of control over my dissociations and my dissociative parts. It takes months at times to hammer out a deal with a Helper but once an agreement is reached, it never seems to pop back up. I’ve also enjoyed being far more present more often than not these days. Almost to the point that I think my DID is probably 75% less obvious to others than it was 3 years ago. This progress thrills me.

Then I have days that I call my “D-Days”. Dissociation reins! Dissociative parts are running rampant, I have very few chances to feel truly present before another dissociation whisks me away and any deal ever made? All bets are off!!!

I believe it was last Friday that was my last D-Day and it is so confuzzled in my mind that I am not even positive if that was the day. It may have been Thursday. I am sure someone recalls what day it was but that person isn’t me.

What do I recall? I recall dropping in and out of my life at an extremely rapid pace. Each time that I dropped back in, I was reminded of something else that needed to be done. I’d start doing it then suddenly be in a new place at a new time with things yet to be done. It is VERY frustrating. I am quite a busy person and I really do not have a lot of time in my days to “waste” on flickering in and out like some light in a horror movie.

I have come to realize though that these days usually follow times where I feel stressed for some reason or times when I have not been doing a good job at keeping my Helpers involved in my days and my decisions. They can be so well-behaved at times that I forget to include them in on decisions that I am making and that does not bode well…

My trigger this time? Hannah’s pink hippopotamus.
I mentioned it a few weeks ago and since then, I see the box of big toys every time I enter Walmart. Last week I dropped in and to my inner world horror? The box of big toys was gone! Hannah FREAKED. Tracey them became vocal and angry because I had upset Hannah. The other little ones were of course ready to stand up to defend Hannah and her needs as well. Hannah is the youngest Helper that I know of within my Helper circle so the girls only slightly older feel they must protect her.

Don’t think I didn’t feel like a heal and realized very quickly that my hesitance to buy this $15 huge hippo just backfired BIG TIME! I even began to scour other stores and finally found a cute but smaller hippo somewhere else. Anyone who has or knows children well already knows how well this went over. Hannah does not want THAT hippo. She wants HER hippo.

I found it impossible not to take on her petulant, completely peeved, cranky beyond cranky attitude. I didn’t put the two together until yesterday but now I see that it was not me feeling “cranky for no reason”, it was my inner world in absolute turmoil over a (forgive me for saying this) stupid pink hippo. And yes, I know I will pay dearly for how I feel about the hippo but I can not deny I think it is a silly thing to have.

I have been putting a lot of thought in to this and a friend of mine who also has DID discussed buying small Christmas gifts to play with for her little ones. I think she is on to something.

In all truthfulness? I never got to be a child. The first time that I ever really played with toys was while away at Homewood in 2013. Another wonderful friend sent me boxes of toys. Bouncy balls, crayons and colouring books, stuffed toys and all sorts of other little things but I left them there. I could not fit them in my suitcase to bring home. 😦

So why haven’t I bought new ones? Why can’t I buy Hannah her hippo and be happy to give it to her? Don’t worry, if we ever see it again, she’s getting it! Silly in my opinion or not. She will get it and she can do whatever she wants with it.

I also feel the need to fulfil the needs of the other little ones. I’ve unintentionally limited their creative spirits and denied them the chance to be children by my being too busy being an adult to pay attention to their needs.

While on one hand I see this as obviously a huge issue for anyone with DID, I think it can really apply to anyone. When you have DID, your inner parts are separated by walls and quite often, the host is unaware of their existence. this is still true for MANY of my Helpers. I know they are there by other Helpers using their names but I have no contact with them. In other “normal” people, your inner parts have a better flow and you do not need interventions to recall your important memories for the most part.
That does not mean that you don’t still have a child inside of you. One that loved to dance or sing or play with Barbie or G.I. Joe. Maybe you loved to draw as a child and never make time for it now? Who cares if you suck at it? The point is to just have fun and allow that young part of you out to play a bit.
What about your inner teenager? The one that loved loud music and ignoring adults because of how daft we all thought they were? Do you ever just crank that music back up and not worry about the state of your hearing? πŸ˜‰ Crank it up, lay on your bed and just think about how much better your life with be when…..

We all have all sorts of inner parts. I encourage you to not be so busy being an adult that you ignore the needs of your inner child. It is a HUGE mistake for someone with DID as we start losing control of our inner Helpers but I think it is a shame for anyone to lose those parts of themselves.

Go buy some bubble gum and have a competition with your friends or your family on who can blow the biggest one. Tie your hair back first. I take no liability on what mess you create. πŸ˜‰
Buy a stuffed animal if you want one. If not that? A model car to put together, a fun game that you loved when you were young, Lego or Star Wars toys (they will be out again soon!). Play! Play with your own children or grandchildren, play on your own, take some time to colour, paint or do something creative. How about finger-painting?
Why not?

Be sweet to your inner child. Yours might not hold your brain hostage for ignoring them but it is still important to be little again now and then.

Have a great week everyone and don’t forget to make some time to play.

hippo

12 responses to “A Dissociative Day

  1. Great advice Heather – though l probably indulge my inner child WAY too much! πŸ˜‰ Being creative has obviously benefitted you in so many ways, but l can understand your reluctance to buy a honking great pink hippo – there are limits! With your child Helpers, when requests like this are made do you respond in the same way as you would with a “real” child? Hope you don’t mind me asking. Hugs.x

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    • To be honest Wendy, I don’t really have an answer. I did… as in saying no to the hippo in the first place but I am now starting to realize this is not a “normal” child. This is a child who was never taken care of. Never gotten a toy or a hug or affection. I guess what I am learning is that my younger parts have these needs now because those needs were never met. I guess I am doing more of a repair job than just trying to deal with an everyday child. Does that make sense?

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  2. Yup, its time to re-parent your young alters. And that means some kind of play and a few play-things. I found it to be incredibly rewarding. The smiles, the happiness that I was able to give them was good for me too. πŸ™‚ It was fun!

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  3. Check Walmart online. They might still have it. Amazon also has good stuffed animals that are not very expensive. Each of my Littles has their own animal. Very soothing and fun.

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  4. so happy hannah got her hippo! we have oceans of stuffed animals. we love all of them. our littles are sp;oiled lol. movies, toys, now they want candy too for the holiday, nevermind that i am on a healthy eating plan….ug. xx

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    • Yummy! Candy for the holidays! I do understand the struggle though. Sometimes my littles want to eat unhealthy things that children would eat (like slushies – ick – iced sugar in a cup) but I guess just like getting the hippo… sometimes we have to give in a little bit. Maybe a bit of candy and not the whole bag? LOL

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  5. I find i can only do this when i am alone. I was just wishing yesterday that I miss letting ‘myself’ out to play… but there is a person sharing my space for a year and I cannot..

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