I’ve only recently begun to truly understand the complexity of having DID and the effect it has on a person emotionally. Not the emotional blow of a diagnoses (that needs its own blog) but how a person with DID can have different emotions about any one experience or day.
I had a small surgery yesterday and while I was nervous about it (mostly because I didn’t recall meeting with the surgeon and didn’t know what procedure I was having), my inner world was very calm and not at all bothered. I got the feeling that whatever was going to be done was not going to be very serious because whomever took over at the surgeons office had no concerns. I can be a “bit” of a control freak at times so just going in there and trusting that my Helpers had this under control was not easy but they were right. I could handle it just fine.
Quite often things work in the reverse though. I can be having a good day, getting things done, feeling no real anxiety and yet there can be this inner panic going on. It is often a very forceful anxiety that takes away my ability to concentrate or be at all productive in any give situation yet I personally feel no anxiety. It is all coming from somewhere/someone else.
I am not speaking about the normal sort of yin and yang in an everyday mind. Being someone indecisive about a certain situation or having mixed feelings about whatever may be going on at any given time. I have that as well but I know that much is normal.
The hardest feelings to deal with for me personally are the Helpers that want to self-harm, the ones that feel suicidal, and the ones that do not always agree with my life choices. Just imagine being my husband and having a few Helpers who can’t stand you. He handles it like a pro thank goodness and doesn’t take it personally but it still bothers me to know he must deal with that at times. Seriously, we women can be confusing enough without adding that in to the mix. 😉
Recently I have some younger Helpers that are absolutely desperate for toys. Every single time that I go in to a Walmart lately, there is this huge box of giant stuffed animals. There is this pink hippo that someone inside me REALLY wants but I can not for the life of me think what on earth I would do with the thing. It’s not like a little stuffie, it’s probably about 3 feet long.
Some Helpers like certain colours while others refuse to wear it. One wants to wear dressier clothing but the rest of us really do not. Some prefer to look in the stores meant for teenagers and wish to buy sizes that I have not fit in to since before I was born.
There are a few who like to stay up really late at night then sleep in the next day but most of us and definitely the core Heather (me) 🙂 prefers to get up and get going. Quite often I have appointments or commitments that are in the morning so staying up until 3 or 4am is not really very helpful.
I find certain moments with my Helpers embarrassing even if I am alone. I will be writing a blog or thinking about something I need to do when all of a sudden a hefty “F**K YOU comes out of my mouth and it can be directed at anyone although lately it is a couple of professionals that I deal with who get it the most. I worry like crazy that it will happen in public and it has… thankfully not too often though.
Of course, missing time is never fun either. When one of the Helpers decides they are going to take over there are times when it is an impossible task to stop it from happening. They are not generally very helpful in letting me now where I have been or what I’ve been up to which is anxiety provoking for me.
Even with all these different emotions and different situations that happen to me on an every day basis, there are times when I truly doubt the existence of my DID. I do not have very much co-consciousness so it can occasionally start to feel very unreal. Thankfully my DID has a way of straightening that out quickly enough by showing me clear signals once again. I’ve been doubting it a bit over the past week until I called one of my sister-in-laws yesterday to tell her about my last craft fair and she told me that I told her all about it the day before. I have no recollection at all of calling her. Let’s face it, DID is weird.
I wonder if others with DID have this sort of wild mismatching of feelings, wants, likes, dislikes and ideas. If you have DID or love someone with it, do you find it to be true for you?
The only thing that ever really helped me become more stable and to know the difference between my wants or needs and a Helpers was to really get to know myself. The core Heather. It was only then that I knew more definitively what was “me” and what was a Helper.
Knowing this is helpful but I also feel that honouring the needs and wishes of the Helpers in important. Not necessarily buying the pink hippo or buying jeans in a size zero but in accepting that we do not all feel the same way and that is okay. People grow and people change all the time and the only real difference is that my Helpers are from slices of my life and still feel the way that I might have at 4, 14, or 24.
It is complex and confusing but it is also beautiful and I am so very thankful to my Helpers for keeping me alive all of those years. We may feel differently about a lot of things but that does not change my love for them and my acceptance for who they are or what they are dealing with. Perhaps one day we will feel a bit more alike each other and this life will feel a little less like a roller coaster but for now? Put on your belt, hang on, get ready to ride, aaaaaaaaaand weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!