It’s been a wild week as you all know from my earlier posts. Saying a permanent goodbye to my fur baby best friend and then a year-long goodbye to a trusted and kind therapist was hard. I actually feel almost beaten up today. My whole body hurts and I am exhausted. I guess learning to have and express emotions is hard work? Well, it is for me but like everything, it should get easier in time right?
A while back I was discussing the Helpers and the whole sex issue. Its been a rough couple of months since then. The idea of an older Helper taking over made perfect sense but I have found out that there is no older Helper who is willing. The older ones have more memories of the trauma and I get the feeling that they were also affected by the abuse on a personal level. This leaves no one any more capable than I am to take over.
I have been unsure how to deal with this issue and I have given it a lot of thought with no success. I have tried having internal dialogue with some of the Helpers but Julie is really the only one that I feel is capable of reaching back. It takes a LONG time to actually get any dialogue or meaningful exchanges going between other Helpers and I. Sometimes I wonder if it is impossible but I am not yet willing to accept that.
So something weird has been going on. I feel somehow exposed and raw. Not due to this weeks losses although I am sure they add to it as well. I am wondering if Julie’s solution may be to add a new Helper altogether. I don’t know if that is even possible but that is the feeling I get. Somehow my internal world is shifting, expanding and becoming somehow different from it was before. Julie refuses to answer me if I ask her about it. I just get silence. That is very odd for Miss Chatty which makes me even more suspicious.
Has Julie decided there is no other choice?
Does she have that sort of power? She leads and controls the Helpers but is she also able to create a new one?
The last Helper created so far as I am aware was during my first marriage when some younger men Helpers were created to help protect me from my ex-husband. I TOTALLY understand how different identities can be created out of abusive situations where you life is in danger but that is not the case now. My life is more stable than it has been in years. Can a Helper be created anyway?
I wish I was more sure and could tell you what is going on, how I have handled it and come up with some great lesson I managed to learn from it all but all I have right now is questions and confusion. Do any of you have any knowledge that you are able to draw on for this experience? Have you or your loved one gone through the emergence of a new identity who is in no way connected to an abusive past?
I am truthfully in a bit of a bind now about this all. I have been getting so good at remaining present and I’ve been working at giving the Helpers a lot more time off. A much-needed and well deserved vacation of sorts. It feels wrong to “allow” another Helper to be created yet I have no other solution to this “problem” that is facing me.
What a pickle I am in.
What would you do? Any suggestions?