Another Helper???

It’s been a wild week as you all know from my earlier posts. Saying a permanent goodbye to my fur baby best friend and then a year-long goodbye to a trusted and kind therapist was hard. I actually feel almost beaten up today. My whole body hurts and I am exhausted. I guess learning to have and express emotions is hard work? Well, it is for me but like everything, it should get easier in time right?

A while back I was discussing the Helpers and the whole sex issue. Its been a rough couple of months since then. The idea of an older Helper taking over made perfect sense but I have found out that there is no older Helper who is willing. The older ones have more memories of the trauma and I get the feeling that they were also affected by the abuse on a personal level. This leaves no one any more capable than I am to take over.

I have been unsure how to deal with this issue and I have given it a lot of thought with no success. I have tried having internal dialogue with some of the Helpers but Julie is really the only one that I feel is capable of reaching back. It takes a LONG time to actually get any dialogue or meaningful exchanges going between other Helpers and I. Sometimes I wonder if it is impossible but I am not yet willing to accept that.

So something weird has been going on. I feel somehow exposed and raw. Not due to this weeks losses although I am sure they add to it as well. I am wondering if Julie’s solution may be to add a new Helper altogether.  I don’t know if that is even possible but that is the feeling I get. Somehow my internal world is shifting, expanding and becoming somehow different from it was before. Julie refuses to answer me if I ask her about it. I just get silence. That is very odd for Miss Chatty which makes me even more suspicious.
Has Julie decided there is no other choice?
Does she have that sort of power? She leads and controls the Helpers but is she also able to create a new one?

The last Helper created so far as I am aware was during my first marriage when some younger men Helpers were created to help protect me from my ex-husband. I TOTALLY understand how different identities can be created out of abusive situations where you life is in danger but that is not the case now. My life is more stable than it has been in years. Can a Helper be created anyway?

I wish I was more sure and could tell you what is going on, how I have handled it and come up with some great lesson I managed to learn from it all but all I have right now is questions and confusion. Do any of you have any knowledge that you are able to draw on for this experience? Have you or your loved one gone through the emergence of a new identity who is in no way connected to an abusive past?

I am truthfully in a bit of a bind now about this all. I have been getting so good at remaining present and I’ve been working at giving the Helpers a lot more time off. A much-needed and well deserved vacation of sorts. It feels wrong to “allow” another Helper to be created yet I have no other solution to this “problem” that is facing me.
What a pickle I am in.
What would you do? Any suggestions?

questions-ahead

8 responses to “Another Helper???

  1. I Dint know what to do sorry. I haven’t faced this yet. I hardly know any of my parts so Don’t know jobs and all sorts. I hope someone Answers to help you out.

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  2. Hi Heather,
    I fully agree with you about ‘creating’ a new alter to deal with the sex issue. I do NOT think it is a good idea, and when we were first starting on this journey, sometimes the little girls would suggest that for this or that issue, and I always, resoundingly said ‘no.’ I never believed that purposefully dissociating from something was a good thing. Maybe I’m wrong, but that was my stance and so we never did it.
    Here are a couple of links to my blog as I’ve struggled thru the sex issue. For 27 years this has been a VERY painful issue in our marriage, especially for me since Karen, my wife’s host, always had a take it or leave it attitude. We seem to be finally on the upswing, BUT it’s a very, very slow upswing.
    If I remember correctly you have chosen NOT to fully involve your husband. I’ll be frank: I think that’s a HUGE mistake and never would advise any woman to do that UNLESS he was abusive. If you are married, this all affects him as much as you, just in different ways. And at least now that I know WHY my wife is the way she is, when I hurt like hell, I can remind myself why and blame the d.i.d. instead of my ‘unloving and uncaring’ wife like I used to think before I understood what was really going on. It’s your choice, but your sex issues affect both of you. LET him be a part of the solution. But this issue is still very painful to me every single day, and we are far from a satisfying solution. But at least I had a say in it since it affected me too.
    Take care and good luck.
    https://samruck2.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/what-is-sex-giving-the-insiders-time-to-heal/
    https://samruck2.wordpress.com/2010/11/29/her-needs-his-needs/
    https://samruck2.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/helping-insiders-to-enjoy-appropriate-physical-affection/
    https://samruck2.wordpress.com/2014/09/18/dissociative-identity-disorder-and-the-libido-2/

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    • Thank you Sam.
      My husband IS included. He’s just still very uncomfortable about some things but he plays a huge part in my recovery.
      As for creating another Helper. I do not feel that it is a choice I am making. It is a choice being made for me from the inside. There is more to this issue than what I feel comfortable sharing online but there is a huge safety issue with the way things are now. It could be deadly if not very, very harmful.
      Thanks for the links, I’ll have a look.

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      • I’m sorry if I misunderstood the part he was playing. I often hear women act like their husbands would be unable to ‘cope’ with helping them heal and dealing intimately with the insiders and trauma. Maybe I mixed up your situation with others.

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      • Oh no trouble Sam. You can’t keep everyone straight all the time. 🙂
        My hubby has been involved since Day 1. He got the diagnoses at the same time that I did and the hospital provided marriage counselling for us both in regards to it. He was just happy to finally know what was going on. It took me longer but I am too (now).
        He has coped wonderfully but it is still rather new to us and we are both slowly figuring it all out. Reading your blog and how you’ve dealt with things has been conversation in this house on many occasions. Thank you for that.

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  3. we’ve had this happen some- usually for positive reasons (btw we’re a very large, poly-fragmented system so i think that plays a part in it- i’ve known others with large numbers who’ve done similar things). for example, when “i” officially became Catholic my confirmation name was Francis and another part, a very close-to-front-Me part who has- a more spiritual? feel was “added”. so it can happen and does (i’ve also known quite a few systems say, who had a “mom” part show up when they had kids, or a student when they went back to school) happen.

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    • Poly-fragmented? I’ve never heard that before. Would you mind telling me what it is?
      My Helpers total 24, maybe 25 now? Is yours roughly the same size or larger?
      You just made me realize that this has happened before and I never even thought about it. I am not sure how I missed it but in fairness, I never knew I had DID until 2 years ago so I guess that is why?
      Tracey is a Mom figure. She mothered my children when I was unable to do it. She must have been a new Helper to do that?
      I really appreciate your response. It is SO HELPFUL to hear from others who’ve dealt with similar issues.
      How do you feel about this when it happens to you? Do you try to avoid it or do you accept that there is a need for it and accept it?

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