Anyone that reads my blog will know that I try very hard to be as positive as possible even when discussing really difficult subjects. This post is going to be a bit different. I want to be honest and admit that there are days when I get really down just like everyone else. Most people are compassionate about that fact but I am not. I expect too much of myself. I expect perfection. To be positive and calm each and every day. I would NEVER expect that from anyone else but I do from myself.
So today I am going to let that aim for perfection drop away and allow myself to just be honest about how I feel right now. There are a few extra stressors this week outside of all the “normal” stuff. Like hallucinations, voices, nightmares and flashbacks are not enough? (That’s the short list. LOL)
Fathers Day was this past Sunday.
My youngest daughter has her prom tomorrow and I can not be there. My mother/monster is going instead. (OUCH!)
Add in that I am getting my dog spayed and surgery makes me nervous no matter how common the procedure, I also have a rather large social event to attend and I have 2 therapy appointments. Both of which I expect will be very heavy given the events of the week.
Believe it or not, I still expect myself to handle all these things without even a tiny dip in my mood but it isn’t going to happen no matter how positive I aim to be. I think I am going to have to accept that this week is going to be a hard one and I need to take extra good care of myself. Starting right now by admitting and accepting that I just can’t be all chipper today. That is VERY hard for me to admit out loud.
Fathers Day was horrible as always. Mothers Day is even worse but Fathers Day follows closely behind. I will admit that the sheer number of Fathers Day wishes on my Facebook account followed by happy pictures of everyone’s great Fathers Day on the Monday was absolutely overwhelming! I should have just avoided Facebook for a couple of days but why would I want to make life easier on myself? What would be the fun in that? 😉
I was feeling really badly about my negative viewpoint until a friend said that I had every reason to feel the way I did. I will admit that in that moment, I realized that I was not jealous or wishing anyone else had a bad day. I was simply sad that it was not a good day for me as well. I want others to be happy. I want others to celebrate their fathers, husbands, grandfathers and so forth. I just wish that I could celebrate as well. I know that I am not alone in my feelings but when these days arrive, it always appears as though “everyone” is having a great day besides me. I am sure there were others who like me, just sit and say nothing because they don’t want to bring others down.
The truth in my life is that my father allowed a great deal of abuse to go on all around him, he did not protect me, he was also directly responsible for causing some of it and his grand finale? When I tried to talk about it as an adult? He called me a sociopath and said I was diagnosed as a sociopath ever since I was young and I do not know the difference between the truth and a lie.
Fact 1 – You can not be diagnosed as a sociopath when you are a child.
Fact 2 – I was only being called a sociopath because he didn’t want to face the truth.
Needless to say? “Happy Fathers Day” hits a sour note in my ears.
My husband has been an amazing father to our 3 children and he recently had a near death scare that he is still not out of the woods with. Sadly he will never be again. His diagnoses is a progressive thing. Only our son called to see how he was after his hospitalization and the same son called to wish him a Happy Fathers Day. He was so saddened that his girls didn’t seem to care enough to call. I know it is not personal against him. My mother/monster has her hooks in to them (they are legally adults now so I no longer have any say about that) and has filled their heads with lies. One day they will see the truth. I just hope it isn’t too late.
And then there is my youngest daughters prom tomorrow. I bought her dress, I helped her through all these years of her schooling, I loved her every day of her life and supported her in all her needs but it will be my monster that will be at her graduation after having no real role in her life at all until recently.
I am sorry but that really hurts yet I do not feel at all comfortable in going anyways. I am not invited, it is a tiny school so I would be noticed for sure and I just can not be near my monster without being physically ill.
And yes, my daughter knows all this. 😦
And my sister’s death… I never know until it draws closer just how tough it will be but it is already proving difficult even though it is still a week away. This is not a good sign.
I tend to miss her even more when things are not going well in my own life. I miss talking to her. I miss the bond we had. I miss all my sisters but my twin sister and I had a very special bond as I am sure many multiples do.
I feel very alone right now even though I know that I am not alone at all. It is just how I feel when things get hard. I tend to pull inwards and not allow others to see how much I am really hurting. I am not keeping a secret. I am just afraid that to begin to open up will cause a flood of emotions that I am not in the right place to handle this week. There is just too much going on.
So what is the point of this blog today other than to whine for 1000 words? I am not sure. I think I just need everyone to know that even though I appear positive and so far along in my healing most days, that I am still human, still suffering and hard times definitely come my way.
Perhaps by me allowing myself to accept and admit to having a hard time, someone else will be able to do the same for themselves. We don’t need to be “on” all the time.
I am going to go try to convince myself of that and I hope you will too.