Feeling sorry for myself.

Anyone that reads my blog will know that I try very hard to be as positive as possible even when discussing really difficult subjects. This post is going to be a bit different. I want to be honest and admit that there are days when I get really down just like everyone else. Most people are compassionate about that fact but I am not. I expect too much of myself. I expect perfection. To be positive and calm each and every day. I would NEVER expect that from anyone else but I do from myself.

So today I am going to let that aim for perfection drop away and allow myself to just be honest about how I feel right now. There are a few extra stressors this week outside of all the “normal” stuff. Like hallucinations, voices, nightmares and flashbacks are not enough? (That’s the short list. LOL)

Fathers Day was this past Sunday.
My youngest daughter has her prom tomorrow and I can not be there. My mother/monster is going instead. (OUCH!)

Add in that I am getting my dog spayed and surgery makes me nervous no matter how common the procedure, I also have a rather large social event to attend and I have 2 therapy appointments. Both of which I expect will be very heavy given the events of the week.

Believe it or not, I still expect myself to handle all these things without even a tiny dip in my mood but it isn’t going to happen no matter how positive I aim to be. I think I am going to have to accept that this week is going to be a hard one and I need to take extra good care of myself. Starting right now by admitting and accepting that I just can’t be all chipper today. That is VERY hard for me to admit out loud.

Fathers Day was horrible as always. Mothers Day is even worse but Fathers Day follows closely behind. I will admit that the sheer number of Fathers Day wishes on my Facebook account followed by happy pictures of everyone’s great Fathers Day on the Monday was absolutely overwhelming! I should have just avoided Facebook for a couple of days but why would I want to make life easier on myself? What would be the fun in that? 😉
I was feeling really badly about my negative viewpoint until a friend said that I had every reason to feel the way I did. I will admit that in that moment, I realized that I was not jealous or wishing anyone else had a bad day. I was simply sad that it was not a good day for me as well. I want others to be happy. I want others to celebrate their fathers, husbands, grandfathers and so forth. I just wish that I could celebrate as well.  I know that I am not alone in my feelings but when these days arrive, it always appears as though “everyone” is having a great day besides me. I am sure there were others who like me, just sit and say nothing because they don’t want to bring others down.
The truth in my life is that my father allowed a great deal of abuse to go on all around him, he did not protect me, he was also directly responsible for causing some of it and his grand finale? When I tried to talk about it as an adult? He called me a sociopath and said I was diagnosed as a sociopath ever since I was young and I do not know the difference between the truth and a lie.
Fact 1 – You can not be diagnosed as a sociopath when you are a child.
Fact 2 – I was only being called a sociopath because he didn’t want to face the truth.
Needless to say? “Happy Fathers Day” hits a sour note in my ears.

My husband has been an amazing father to our 3 children and he recently had a near death scare that he is still not out of the woods with. Sadly he will never be again. His diagnoses is a progressive thing.  Only our son called to see how he was after his hospitalization and the same son called to wish him a Happy Fathers Day. He was so saddened that his girls didn’t seem to care enough to call. I know it is not personal against him. My mother/monster has her hooks in to them (they are legally adults now so I no longer have any say about that) and has filled their heads with lies. One day they will see the truth. I just hope it isn’t too late.

And then there is my youngest daughters prom tomorrow. I bought her dress, I helped her through all these years of her schooling, I loved her every day of her life and supported her in all her needs but it will be my monster that will be at her graduation after having no real role in her life at all until recently.
I am sorry but that really hurts yet I do not feel at all comfortable in going anyways. I am not invited, it is a tiny school so I would be noticed for sure and I just can not be near my monster without being physically ill.
And yes, my daughter knows all this. 😦

And my sister’s death… I never know until it draws closer just how tough it will be but it is already proving difficult even though it is still a week away. This is not a good sign.
I tend to miss her even more when things are not going well in my own life. I miss talking to her. I miss the bond we had. I miss all my sisters but my twin sister and I had a very special bond as I am sure many multiples do.
I feel very alone right now even though I know that I am not alone at all. It is just how I feel when things get hard. I tend to pull inwards and not allow others to see how much I am really hurting. I am not keeping a secret. I am just afraid that to begin to open up will cause a flood of emotions that I am not in the right place to handle this week. There is just too much going on.

So what is the point of this blog today other than to whine for 1000 words? I am not sure. I think I just need everyone to know that even though I appear positive and so far along in my healing most days, that I am still human, still suffering and hard times definitely come my way.
Perhaps by me allowing myself to accept and admit to having a hard time, someone else will be able to do the same for themselves. We don’t need to be “on” all the time.
I am going to go try to convince myself of that and I hope you will too.

Perfect1

23 responses to “Feeling sorry for myself.

  1. Glad you felt safe to be real. I’m sorry things are harder than normal right now…

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  2. Thank you for telling your truth in the moment.

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  3. Truly amazingly authentic work Heather. Thank you xo

    >

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  4. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time but it sounds completely understandable in the circumstances. I struggle with my father not saving me from abuse and that has almost been harder to forgive than what my mother did because my mother was mentally-ill and an abuse victim herself whereas my dad was pretty much an average guy and, I think, just a bit of a coward. It’s hard to cope with my feelings about what someone /didn’t/ do.

    I hope you feel better soon. But for now, just go easy on yourself if you can.

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    • Thank you! It is really hard to cope with what someone didn’t do. My father is a coward too but I never considered him to be mean until the past couple of years when I realized that he was adding fuel to the fire. It took my 43 years to see that for myself.
      I hope that you will come in and comment again. What you have to say has real value.

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      • There are so many painful realisations in this journey. Now that I’m processing the abuse I went through, I’m starting to see all the other things that happened around it. My opinions of people other than the perpetrator are changing as I begin to accept the reality that, as adults, they should have done something. That has been heartbreaking. It was a lot easier to hate myself and think I deserved it than to realise that I didn’t deserve it at all.

        I’ll be sure to comment again. 🙂 Thanks for your reply.

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      • I totally relate and I am so sorry that you are going through this phase of your healing. It is a hard one. I always blamed one person in particular and then as you say, I eventually realized that others did nothing to help. My father was the biggest let down. I had him on a pedestal… now I realize he was just as guilty. It is heartbreaking.
        You did not deserve this. I know it is hard to feel good about that right now but you will. It is just a bit further along your healing pathway. Keep walking. ❤

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      • Thanks 🙂 Yeah, I had my father on a pedestal too. I think I needed to believe that someone was “good” – so I ignored all the ways in which he was a bad father. Now the realisations of all the things I would have done differently as a parent – seeking help; swallowing my pride; facing problems head on – I am angry that he failed to do those things for me. And yet he still maintained this attitude that he was blameless through it – that he did the best job he could and that I should be grateful. But it’s just him trying to justify inadequate behaviour. His “best” was nowhere near sufficient for an adult human being. He didn’t have any trauma history, he had an income, he had friends and supportive family – he should have gone to them for help but he didn’t. Because he thought he could handle it – he didn’t want people’s help to deal with my mentally-ill mother, and we suffered because of that.

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      • Your life sounds a lot like mine. My mother was very abusing and my father just turned a blind eye. I always felt that since he didn’t actually hurt me, he was blameless. I now very sadly realize that ignoring what was happening did in fact hurt me. A lot. He had money and family too. There are just no excuses…

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      • Exactly that. Failing to do something is a terrible act too. Parents have a responsibility to act. And there really are no excuses when it comes down to protecting a child.

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  5. Polly Chisholm

    Glad to finally hear you say that you don’t have to be strong all the time, you do have shit days and hard days. I think we all need to take a note of this blog. Keep going Heather, you are a mighty woman. 🙂

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  6. Well said Polly! You ARE an amazingly strong and wise woman Heather, and though it’s good to strive to be positive and upbeat, it simply isn’t possible all the time – especially when life keeps throwing curveballs! You’ve had more than your fair share of curveballs recently, but remember that it’s okay to show your hurt with the many people who love you.
    I know how hard it is to lose a sister, and will be thinking about you next week. Wish I could be there in person for you. Much love.xx

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    • Thanks Wendy. I appreciate all the support that you have given me Wendy and I know that you understand the loss of a sister as well as anyone. I know how you still feel that ache for Jeans loss. I’m glad that you will be there for me next week. I might really need a friend. 🙂 Hugs to you! ❤

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  7. Thank you for your very real post, Heather, and given everything that is and will be going on for you, it makes perfect sense that you’re having a tough time. But you’ll get through it, because you’re Heather! Sending you lots of support and hugs. I’m thinking of you.

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  8. I’m sorry things do get hard. Huge Hugs.
    And this is alot to be going through. Thank you for sharing. You have every right to feel how you do. Sorry for the loss of your sister. I can’t imagine. Xx i have twin boys myself. They are 2.5yrs
    Is not even father’s day in NZ and i had to see all that over fcbk to. Go through it again in Sept. Ugh. Thanks for sharing

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  9. Dancing butterfly

    We are our worst critics. And our expectations exceed reality at times. Thank you for being honest and open with your feelings.
    I know the parent days mother and fathers days can be rather tough.
    I love you.

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