What a “unique” title right? Do I have you curious? 😉 I know that it makes me sound 4 but I mentioned in my last blog post that little Hannah is out with me right now and she is 4. I have done a lot of thinking about wee Hannah and what she needs. I also discussed it in therapy after writing Wednesdays post and have come to a few conclusions.
The first thing I realized was that there is a reason why I feel unable to comfort Hannah myself even though I’ve tried. I’ve done my best and I have taken good care of her so much as I can but there is this overwhelming feeling of me/Heather not being the answer on this one. I have started to wonder if this feeling has absolutely nothing to do with my abilities to mother her and everything to do with needing those things myself.
To this day, I watch other mothers and daughters who are close and long for that connection. I know some fight like cats and dogs but my wishes for a mother were and still are very basic.
As an infant, all I wanted was to be held, fed, clean, and warm.
As a 4 year old where Hannah is stuck, my needs weren’t much different except I would have loved a cuddle toy, someone to take care of my skinned knee and kiss it all better, some time with other little girls would have been great too.
To grow and mature we need these things. They are not up for debate. If you want to raise a healthy adult, you need to fulfill the very basic of needs.
That wasn’t done for me.
So now there is Hannah who still needs those things but I do too.
The trouble with that is I am 45 and not 4. Hugs, snuggle toys, someone to kiss my boo-boos, and more importantly, someone to say they love me with 100% acceptance of who I am right now is not easy to find.
I’m seriously thinking of trolling the local seniors home looking for some sweet older lady to adopt me. Maybe one whose kids have moved away and don’t keep in contact much. Maybe someone who always wanted children but could never have them? Is that crazy?
As human beings, we all have needs that must be met in order for us to grow. I am sure that anyone can have trouble having those needs met but when thinking of it with a DID perspective, each Helper is stuck in a place where I wasn’t getting my basic needs met so they were not either. We both have a deficit and I just can’t provide the total fix needed for all of them. Some? Yes. Just not all.
I know this is a silly comparison but it reminds me of how if you itch your back it might take care of the itch to a point. If someone else does it for you? It feels like heaven. Does that make sense?
So I guess that I need to take a step backwards and start figuring out what needs never got met for me and find ways to meet them. It may take some very creative thinking but there has to be a way.
I guess the big “Ah-Ha” moment was when I truly saw and understood that I can help Hannah most by helping myself. By finding responsible and mature ways to get both of our needs met. By being aware that while I want to focus on getting little Hannah what she needs, I need to really pay attention to little Heather in order to do that.
I know that I am not alone in this. I’ve spoken to enough adults affected by childhood abuse to know that in our heart of hearts, we all just want our mommy.
NOT the mommy we had but a real one. The one we needed.
I am sure there are many others that can relate as well from many different backgrounds but I can only really speak about what I know personally.
My grandmother used to write for Hallmark (cards) back in the 50’s and 60’s. How about I give this poem thing a try?
For all those who feel like they never got what they deserved. Life should have been better.
Dear Little One
Here you are so soft and sweet,
perfect in every way.
I want the very best for you,
each and every day.
There will be days I fail you,
fall flat upon my face.
Yet I will never let you forget,
your heart is still in a safe place.
I want for you to know,
how I love you so.
And how I plan to care for you,
no matter where you go.
I want you to grow big and strong,
with a kind and loving heart.
I will always feel blessed to know,
you allowed me to take part.
Rest my sweet little baby,
you have a lot of things to do.
Grow up sweet, trusting and strong,
and know I am always there loving you.