Why I Write

June 2014…. a full year ago now.
I was sitting in front of this computer and seriously considering beginning a blog. My biggest fears were that I would run out of things to write about and even worse? That I would experience terrible backlash.
I had read nasty comments left on YouTube videos, I’ve experienced demeaning and insensitive comments myself, I feared what people would say if I came out and admitted that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Until the beginning of this blog, I held both as secrets from almost everyone around me.
I honestly expected hateful and nasty responses to my posts. I waited for someone to say “Prove it!”. I just “knew” that I would experience a terrible amount of backlash and I wasn’t really sure if I was strong enough to handle all of that.

What a shock the reality of it has been!!! 🙂
I am not saying that no one has questioned me, said anything mean or that I have not gotten the occasional email that has made my heart sink BUT the overwhelming majority of contacts have been incredibly positive. It truly has made me stronger and more self-assured. I am incredibly grateful for that.

Just the other day, I was speaking with a friend who said she sees this blog as being one of the most positive changes in my life over this past year.
I agreed with her wholeheartedly. This blog has allowed me to be open, extremely honest and express thoughts that have rattled around inside my head for years.
The compassion, thoughtful messages, heartfelt responses, the meaningful shares, the list could go on and on.
It has truly been wonderful for my self-esteem and my willingness to continue being open. It is changing who I am.
I want to thank those of you who read this blog, those who comment and those who send me personal messages through email or those who comment to me in person. You have no idea how much your responses have helped me grow, become even more positive, feel more assured in who I am and who I feel I want to become.

A year ago when people asked me what I did for a living, I would embarrassingly admit that I was on disability. Admitting why was a dance that I had never really figured out. Saying “Because there are 24 parts of me that are not getting along very well, I hear voices, smell things that are not really there and hallucinate” just didn’t seem like a great answer… although that is exactly why I was given disability payments. 😦 Sometimes I woudl revert back and say “I used to be…” but that did not answer their question really did it?
Now when I am asked that same question? I say I am a writer. This past year has shown me that I am exactly that. A writer. 🙂 This answer fills me with joy. It is the answer to “What do you do” in my life now. Having an answer is a great thing.

Thanks to all of you who joined my journey at any point over the past year. There are almost 600 of you now and I can not tell you just how important each and every one of you are to me.
I am not normally a very sappy person but I blame you all for this. See what you’ve done to me? 😉

I’ve learned something very important this year as well and I wonder if other bloggers feel the same way.
I can sit down with thoughts swirling in my mind and I can have no earthy clue as to how I am going to work an issue out; yet as I write, the answer becomes more and more clear. As if by magic, my mind settles, the thoughts get put in order and the solution (or at least a place to start) becomes clear to me. I am very grateful to have a place other than my journal to share these days and these troubles because I get to hear that I am not alone in my struggles. It is also amazing to hear that I occasionally make others feel less alone by what I have written. That idea just fills me with such joy.
To not feel so incredibly alone is such a huge gift. Thank you.

A year ago, I had very little idea as to how to deal with my Helpers. I was taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back on a very regular basis. Through reading other blogs, receiving amazing and helpful comments to my posts and to also develop the assertiveness needed to be willing to stand up for what I believed even if it is not what some diagnostic book deems correct has been a great journey. I am still feeling that I have a very long way to go but I feel as though I have a map now. My Helpers need to be heard and I need to know what they have to say as well. We all have needs and until I deal with their needs, there will be no true healing for me. I am willing to stand up to get that now though. I am not willing to accept any less.

So here I am blathering away as to what this blog has done for me. I hope it has helped you as well. I hope that those of you who also write get the same healing from your blogs as I have mine. To those of you who read my blog but do not have one of your own, I dearly hope that reading mine lets you know that you really matter, that your reactions and feelings are normal, and that there is a way through all of the confusion. It is not an easy path to follow but it is a worthwhile journey when you are ready to take it.

So now I will go pay for another year of blogging under my own domain. A year ago I wasn’t sure it would be worth it but now I have seen that it was the best investment I ever made and I am getting a GREAT deal for all I have gotten in return. Perhaps I should reword that and say “who” I have gotten in return? Each of you. 🙂
Thank you for joining in on my journey. I hope to see you here again next year and I hope that your year will prove to be a positive and healing one for us all.