I do not discuss the support group that I run very often but every once in a while, someone says something there that just floors me. That happened to me one day last week when ‘Jenny’ made a comment about how she looked at the point of view of the abuser and how that helped her.
I will admit that my first inwards response was not a positive one. I find it very difficult to give an abuser any slack at all. When a crime is intentionally done to harm someones body and/or soul? My willingness to give them excuses disappear quickly. That was the view that I took of what she said but I asked how she felt that it helped her.
Using others p.o.v (point of view) to get thru situations changed my life. I don’t look at anything the same. I realize now that it’s truly not personal. What other people have done to me is personal for them, but their behaviour is not dependent on me being who I am. It would have happened to anyone who was in their path like I was. I now realize that I am truly not responsible for the actions of others I am only responsible for my reaction. So I see them as separate situations because to me, they are.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when I read that.
“Why me?” is one of the hardest questions to answer. It is the question that rattles around in the back of my mind no matter how healed I feel in other ways.
If you can look at it from this view, you can basically answer the “Why me?” question with a very heartfelt “It had nothing to do with me”.
Everything that happened would have happened no matter if you were the one who was there at the time or someone else. Abusers look for people to abuse. That is who they are. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (or the wrong family in the wrong lifetime?).
As sad as it is to say? I know this is true. My mother is incapable of loving anyone but herself and has used people her whole life. Me being born caused none of that.
The people that accepted what my mother offered up were equally selfish, and vile. They would have just found someone else if it had not been me there at the time.
My father is not able to stand up to the women in his life. He went from my mother to a woman who was equally controlling (thou not as nasty). He has been told what to do for his whole life and he never made waves anywhere. Some may see this as a great quality to have but not if it also means you allow your children to be abused without standing up to help/protect them. He has been this man his whole life. My being his daughter did not cause that either.
Do you have people in your life who have hurt you and you wonder why me?
If you ask yourself that question, what about also taking a moment to ask yourself if that situation would have happened if you did not even exist? What if it was another girl, boy, man, or woman in your place. It would have very likely happened to them instead. Right?
This knowledge in no way takes away the memories, the troubles the abuse caused or the devastation we can feel but it just might be able to help us see that 99% of the time, the abuse had EVERYTHING to do with the abuser and very little (if not nothing) to do with us personally.
I will admit that it will take me a rather long time to truly believe this and honestly feel it in my heart but I am willing to begin trying to change the way I think about my past when I am taking it all very personally. I know in my heart that most of my abusers would have found someone to abuse even if I had not been born. What they did to me really did show far more about their character than it did mine They were going to be who they were even if I had never been born.
I was born though so now I must deal with the trauma they inflicted.
They left ME with the memories, the pain, the nightmares, the horrible distrust that I have for the world around me. Sadly I am the one that covers my windows, fears a knock at the door, can’t believe that good people are really just good people and won’t take my first weak moment to jump out to use it against me. Life with a traumatic past really sucks but knowing that I was not the root cause of any of it will help me as I continue to try to heal.
I am so sorry for whatever you dealt with as well. Whether it was a hugely traumatizing event, a rough childhood, neglect, dealing with a narcissist, a family tragedy…
I hope that you can take a look at whatever happened to you and see that in reality? Whatever happened would have likely happened to whomever stood in your place. It was not YOU or your fault.
If nothing else? Maybe it can help alleviate some of the guilt, remorse or shame that we all feel. We all deserve to heal and I hope that this thought just may help you move closer towards the place where you wish to be.
From now on, I am going to try to answer every “Why me?” With an “It had nothing to do with me.”
In time? I might even be able to believe it! 🙂
I wish the same for you.