Something New

I do not discuss the support group that I run very often but every once in a while, someone says something there that just floors me. That happened to me one day last week when ‘Jenny’ made a comment about how she looked at the point of view of the abuser and how that helped her.
I will admit that my first inwards response was not a positive one. I find it very difficult to give an abuser any slack at all. When a crime is intentionally done to harm someones body and/or soul? My willingness to give them excuses disappear quickly. That was the view that I took of what she said but I asked how she felt that it helped her.

Using others p.o.v (point of view) to get thru situations changed my life. I don’t look at anything the same. I realize now that it’s truly not personal. What other people have done to me is personal for them, but their behaviour is not dependent on me being who I am. It would have happened to anyone who was in their path like I was. I now realize that I am truly not responsible for the actions of others I am only responsible for my reaction. So I see them as separate situations because to me, they are.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I read that.
“Why me?” is one of the hardest questions to answer. It is the question that rattles around in the back of my mind no matter how healed I feel in other ways.
If you can look at it from this view, you can basically answer the “Why me?” question with a very heartfelt “It had nothing to do with me”.

Everything that happened would have happened no matter if you were the one who was there at the time or someone else. Abusers look for people to abuse. That is who they are. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (or the wrong family in the wrong lifetime?).

As sad as it is to say? I know this is true. My mother is incapable of loving anyone but herself and has used people her whole life. Me being born caused none of that.
The people that accepted what my mother offered up were equally selfish, and vile. They would have just found someone else if it had not been me there at the time.
My father is not able to stand up to the women in his life. He went from my mother to a woman who was equally controlling (thou not as nasty). He has been told what to do for his whole life and he never made waves anywhere. Some may see this as a great quality to have but not if it also means you allow your children to be abused without standing up to help/protect them. He has been this man his whole life. My being his daughter did not cause that either.

Do you have people in your life who have hurt you and you wonder why me?
If you ask yourself that question, what about also taking a moment to ask yourself if that situation would have happened if you did not even exist? What if it was another girl, boy, man, or woman in your place. It would have very likely happened to them instead. Right?

This knowledge in no way takes away the memories, the troubles the abuse caused or the devastation we can feel but it just might be able to help us see that 99% of the time, the abuse had EVERYTHING to do with the abuser and very little (if not nothing) to do with us personally.

I will admit that it will take me a rather long time to truly believe this and honestly feel it in my heart but I am willing to begin trying to change the way I think about my past when I am taking it all very personally. I know in my heart that most of my abusers would have found someone to abuse even if I had not been born. What they did to me really did show far more about their character than it did mine They were going to be who they were even if I had never been born.

I was born though so now I must deal with the trauma they inflicted.
They left ME with the memories, the pain, the nightmares, the horrible distrust that I have for the world around me. Sadly I am the one that covers my windows, fears a knock at the door, can’t believe that good people are really just good people and won’t take my first weak moment to jump out to use it against me. Life with a traumatic past really sucks but knowing that I was not the root cause of any of it will help me as I continue to try to heal.

I am so sorry for whatever you dealt with as well. Whether it was a hugely traumatizing event, a rough childhood, neglect, dealing with a narcissist, a family tragedy…
I hope that you can take a look at whatever happened to you and see that in reality? Whatever happened would have likely happened to whomever stood in your place. It was not YOU or your fault.

If nothing else? Maybe it can help alleviate some of the guilt, remorse or shame that we all feel. We all deserve to heal and I hope that this thought just may help you move closer towards the place where you wish to be.

From now on, I am going to try to answer every “Why me?” With an “It had nothing to do with me.”
In time? I might even be able to believe it! 🙂
I wish the same for you.


17 responses to “Something New

  1. Dancing Butterfly

    brilliant and beautiful. What a wonderful way of flipping this on it’s head. It might just help us along our healing path. Thank you to you for writing this and for sharing this concept.


  2. It took me years to come to the realization that I was being held captive by the old thoughts, memories and traumas of childhood because I kept asking “Why?” Once I turned it around, put myself in the place of those who either hurt me or failed to protect me, I was able to see their humanness, their weaknesses, their own trauma and diseases and failures. In doing this, I have been able to forgive them. In forgiving, I am set free. They no longer hold me captive. The memories remain, but the pain is much less and the anger is gone. I no longer have the trauma of “Why?”
    Thanks you for your post! 🙂


  3. This is wonderful, and has really given me a lot to think about Heather. I’ve always thought it was something about me, some flaw. I WAS just in the wrong place at the wrong time – AND A CHILD. Thank you.xx


  4. I feel something that I have too much empathy for my perpetrator. I know he had a shitty life growing up and I think the current prison environment sucks and I have empathy for that. I don’t for a second believe it give him any excuse or justification, but something I have a hard time feeling the angry stuff that I know I need to recognize as well.
    For me the question doesn’t usually stop with “Why me?” I hear stories from people – mostly those who don’t know my history- who talk about their “close calls” and they were lucky someone or something intervened just in time… and then my question is “Why not me?” Most of my anger gets directed at God and I have NOT figured out a good way to resolve that. But I would really like to someday get to that place where WHY is not a question I need answered. Good post ❤


    • I TOTALLY get what you are saying. I was and still am that way as well. God and I are not in a very good place either. I am very spiritual but not very religious any longer. Does that make sense?
      I liked this concept but don;t for even one second pretend that it solves everything. Just another way of seeing things I guess.
      My theory is take what works for you and toss the rest back in to the idea pool. Eventually we will get it all figured out. HUgs.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, me and God… not really on speaking terms either. But I’m recognizing a part of myself that really wants to resolve that. I just don’t know how. I do the same thing- take what works, and toss the rest, but it is very complicated. What you said makes total sense… I feel that deep at heart, I am essentially a very spiritual person in that I have a great desire to feel a connection to something bigger than myself. But I have really denied that part of myself all these years because I don’t know how to resolve it. Piece by piece, I guess. It’s really all we have. Hugs right back 🙂


      • It is really difficult isn’t it?
        The thing that helped me the most was separating religion from spirituality.
        I am a huge fan of the Dalai Lama and the Buddhist teachings. They are so much into just being the best that you can and offering a peaceful and positive spirit in to this world to make it a better place. Have you ever looked in to that sort of thing? It might help. I am not preaching anything in particular here though. Just saying what has made a difference for me personally. LOL


  5. Sheesh, something=sometimes TWICE. wake up, me!


  6. Gosh… I don’t know.
    I mean, I get the fact that it’s “not my fault and had nothing to do with me” but then there’s that aspect that it DID happen to me. We were the ones placed in those situations. It’s possible to talk ourselves off the ledge with that kind of message but if it were truly believed, wouldn’t that make it a more permanent part of understanding?
    I want to believe myself/selves when saying it wasn’t about me, thinking of past experiences but we basically volunteered for abuse in order to protect our sisters so where on the shame meter would that land?
    It may not have anything to do with us because somebody else would’ve been a victim so instead we stepped in… essentially making it about us.
    Does any of that make sense? I’m sorry. I want to believe that seeing it from a perpetrators point of view will somehow alleviate the rage/guilt/depression, etc. but I just don’t know.
    Something to ponder for sure. Thank you


    • You do make sense and I deal with the same issue. I also stepped forward for my sisters.
      When I write this blog, I take any little idea that I hear anywhere that strikes a chord with me. Some things help me, some don’t. Sine ideas help someone else, some don’t. I think we all need to take what helps us and just toss the rest.
      In the end it is about us… but not caused by us. We just did what we felt that we had no choice but to do.
      To me this all just means that it was not me that caused the problems in the first place. It was the abusers 100%. I suffered the consequences but that is where mt responsibility ends.
      I really hope you find healing however you must find it. You deserve that.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I need to remember the “take what you need and leave the rest” aspect. A month ago I may have completely agreed with all of it and thought it was the most transforming tidbit of info. Maybe it’ll be something that sinks in slowly and I’ll be able to look back and question why it was doubted in the first place. Guess it caught me on a day of rebellion. lol.
    Regardless of whether I chose to take the abuse for my sisters or not, you are right that it still wasn’t my problem to have in the first place. If that hadn’t been part of the equation, nothing else would’ve mattered. Thank you for that reminder.


    • I am happy to hear that you are questioning what you read here or anywhere else. What gets posted here is only what strikes me in some way. I’ve read many blogs and felt an instant connection to what they say but then there are plenty of others that just don’t have a helpful ring in my ears. The Dalai Lama says to “Question everything, even me. Then decide what is right for you”. I like that.
      It’s nice to hear from you. Please do comment when you feel something needs to be said (or just drop a line to say hello). 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I found this incredibly helpful. It definitely is good to view it in another light. X


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