Healing is such a long and winding journey. I travelled down the wrong roads for so many years. Not by choice but by circumstance. I didn’t know any better. As I got older, the roads became slightly more obvious as to which ones to walk down but the walk was often very slow and laborious. I will be honest here (as always) and tell you that most of the roads I found were so steep that I needed climbing gear to even attempt them. I often just stood at the bottom and said “forget it!”
Then I learned some good coping skills. I was taught how to care for myself. I learned how to open up and allow certain people to help me. These lessons did not come easily and I needed to practice them a lot because they all felt so foreign to me. Eventually I got the hang of it though and found the good days became a little easier to find.
In the past year or so, I have certainly faced many challenges and hard times but I have been able to lead myself out of them quite well. By doing everything that I need to do to be an emotionally healthy person is not at all easy especially when I’d learned none of it growing up. That said? With practice, I’ve gotten quite good at it. 🙂 I’ve actually started getting a bit cocky and feeling like I really have a really good handle on everything. It is a great feeling but I do need to remind myself to stick to my schedule and try to fulfil the necessary pieces in to each day.
- Eat proper meals. (2 out of 3 ain’t bad?)
- Get some exercise. That is no trouble with my hyper puppy.
- Do something social. I’ve actually gotten really good at this.
- Take time to relax. For me? This is writing time.
- Do my therapy homework daily and always do a body scan.
- Be creative in some way (draw. blog, sing…)
I don’t get it all fit in to every day and I am constantly restarting certain aspects of my “healthy day” but the more I practice, the better I get. There are other things I do too but we can settle with a short list right?
So I am toddling along and everything is going fairly well. I have good days and bad days but the bad days do not sink in to my soul and drag me underwater any longer. When I begin to feel that dragging downwards, I can start taking better care of myself again and gradually I rise.
So why shouldn’t I be a bit cocky about it all? I have it all figured out right?
Well… every once in a while the other shoe drops and I drop along with it. My past two weeks were horrid. I got knocked down and just couldn’t get back up. The healthy habits that I had been able to do only a day before were suddenly impossible again. I couldn’t even handle the stress of needing a shower or making a good meal. I was so overwhelmed. It was bad.
It was fortunate that I always have a few blogs written during better times that I can release during these down times. At least that makes me feel some sense of accomplishment. Like I am not failing at EVERYTHING. Sorry to say that but it feels that way.
My mind got back in to its depressive mode, I didn’t want to be alive any longer. I actually sat on my couch one evening and thought I might be having a heart attack. I was quite happy about that because no one can blame someone for having a heart attack like they do if you leave this world by your own hands… Rather than calling for help, I just sat there. It was obviously anxiety but I should not have suffered it out alone.
My days were filled with trying to look as normal as possible for as long as possible. So long as no one knew how bad things really were? I was happy.
I did open up to a few friends but I will be honest, my words were inadequate. I just didn’t have a way to explain how “healing Heather” was suddenly at the edge of life again.
It was bad and it scared me.
I freaked out a bit because how do you go from feeling so positive and feeling like you are doing all the right things to feeling like a suicidal loony-tune?
Inspiration can be hard to find at times like these. Quaint sayings about strength, courage, and better days ahead sound completely hollow. Even the ones that I loved only a week earlier. Then I found this saying. The first two sentences were written by a brilliant person called “Anonymous” (very busy writer that guy/gal!) and the rest is my own. For some reason it just hit me when it said “the winding road of healing”. It reminded me that these ups and occasional drastic downs are all just part of healing. Just relax and breathe.
These times suck completely and if you don’t NEED to have them? I suggest you don’t. 😉
Joking aside… we all get down. In my humble opinion? Some just feel it more acutely than others. Some people have more healing under their belt and perhaps don’t get so afraid when these down times happen to them. Maybe one day I will just relax a bit and allow them to happen to me knowing that it will not last forever.
Using the wise words of a wonderful nurse who helped me through a suicidal “patch” in the past…
“I know it feels like things will never get better but they will. I promise you they will.”
And they did.