A very difficult day is coming up this weekend. It is “Mothers Day” here on Sunday. I know that I am not alone in struggling with this day. There is not another day like it on the calendar that fills me with such a mix of emotions as this one. Mostly negative I am sorry to say.
The one happy feeling is towards myself and other mothers who have made huge efforts to be good mothers despite any obstacle they face. Even in times of trouble, hurt feelings, misbehaving youngsters or all the other stresses that face us in our lives. We are not perfect people or perfect mothers but we sure do try hard and we learn from our mistakes. I also feel a huge affinity for the mothers out there that never birthed any children yet take people (children and adults) who need a mothering figure under their wing and love them as though they are their own. Many friends offer this as well without even realizing their role. These are the mothers that I celebrate. So Happy Mothers Day to us.
Then the confusion sets in.
Mothers Day… I will be honest here. If I have to look at so much as one more sappy card, commercial, flower arrangement, or sun-catcher with “You were there for me from the moment I was born” (or other similar words), I am going to scream! I suppose I will be screaming a fair bit in the next few days???
Don’t get me wrong, I know those mothers are out there and as I said a moment ago. I celebrate them but what about the rest of us who feel anger, loss, pain, sadness or any other myriad of emotions linked to this day??? Mothers Day is a very hard day for many people out there. “Very hard” is a wildly worded understatement. Mothers Day to me is torture. The week leading up to it and then the day itself.
My mothers as I am sure you have all gathered was and still is a very abusive woman. Abusive doesn’t even come close to describing it but there is no need to trigger everyone here. 😉
She is STILL affecting my life negatively even though its been over a decade since I last spoke to her. I had a wonderful relationship with each of my 3 children and still do with my son but my girls started spending a lot of time with my mother when they were old enough to make their own choices. With them being 18 & 20, I have no control over that. They both know she abused me although the details were left out. No child needs to hear all that and truthfully? It is my personal choice not to tell them just yet. I can’t handle it. That said? They know PLENTY to make an informed decisions but…. my mother has them turned against me now. She has filled their heads with lies and offered them large gifts (computers, cameras, braces even) to sway them over to “her side”. I wish I was being paranoid. I really do.
This has happened over and over again in my life. I have no birth family in my life at all because of her. It is not that they believe her lies but in their words? “She would make our lives hell if we had contact with you.” They are sorry to cut me out but they do because of fear of what she would do. Honestly? I feel like an orphan. No grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and now even 2 of my own children. It truly breaks my heart and these days, my heart is hanging on only by a thread.
I also found out through my session last week where Julie talked about her still having contact by calling out the little girls in my system (I am still confused about this so I can not explain it better just yet). Suffice to say that she is using my DID against me to create negative contact and keep me spinning. The same DID that she tells everyone else is my wild bid for extra attention and that I am nothing but a liar. She’s a real peach eh?
Needless to say? The word “Mother” does not bring up a very positive connotation in my mind. It causes a firestorm instead. A firestorm of neglect, loss, anger, sadness, hurt, confusion… and right now? Hatred. I’ve never felt hate towards anyone before. Not even her but this latest stunt she is pulling with my girls has sent me right over the edge and I am doing battle with some feelings that I have never experienced before.
I also have friends whom wanted children and for a variety of reasons could not have any. Infertility, the lack of a good relationship, some fear if they can be a good enough mother given their past… This is a very hard day for them too.
And still others who have experienced loss. The loss of their mother, the loss of a child, the loss of the mother they wished they had… just so many reasons to experience loss on this day.
I am sorry to write a blog that to many may seem very negative but I know a lot of people out there suffer on days like this and don’t often get to vent their feelings because it is not how we are “supposed” to feel. If you are one of those people? Please just know that you are not alone. Others out there that struggle just like you do. It is not all roses, sweet cards, loving family meals, and thoughtful gifts. There are others out there just like you that dread this day for a variety of reasons. I hope it helps you as it helps me to know that you are not alone in those feelings.
And to those of you that are happy with the relationships that you have or had, those of you with cute little ones that are making you cards in school with way too much glue and that ever dreaded glitter, mothers with grown children who will call, send a card or be able to come see you… please do enjoy your day. You deserve it!!! You really do. Just because everyone is not so fortunate should not take away from your joy. Not even one little bit. I do hope however that knowing how some others feel will make you stop for a moment and appreciate the relationships you have even more. Happy Mothers Day to you!!!
For those of you who feel the way that I do or some variation of it? I call it Monsters Day. It just helps me cope somehow. It is no longer Mothers Day to me at all. I celebrate my children and the relationships that we have (and regarding the girls, will hopefully have again) every other day of the year. Just not on Monsters Day.
Try to find a healthy way to distract yourself that will not put you right in the middle of others who find joy in this day if that bothers you as it does me. Rent a funny movie, take a bath, read, do a craft, call a friend that understands, clean your house, make some yummy food for the week ahead… do anything at all that fills your soul and helps replace some of the emptiness this day can bring.
So happy Mothers Day to some, Happy Monsters Day to others.
Know that I am thinking about you all.