Mothers/Monsters Day

A very difficult day is coming up this weekend. It is “Mothers Day” here on Sunday. I know that I am not alone in struggling with this day. There is not another day like it on the calendar that fills me with such a mix of emotions as this one. Mostly negative I am sorry to say.

The one happy feeling is towards myself and other mothers who have made huge efforts to be good mothers despite any obstacle they face. Even in times of trouble, hurt feelings, misbehaving youngsters or all the other stresses that face us in our lives. We are not perfect people or perfect mothers but we sure do try hard and we learn from our mistakes. I also feel a huge affinity for the mothers out there that never birthed any children yet take people (children and adults) who need a mothering figure under their wing and love them as though they are their own. Many friends offer this as well without even realizing their role. These are the mothers that I celebrate. So Happy Mothers Day to us.

Then the confusion sets in.
Mothers Day… I will be honest here. If I have to look at so much as one more sappy card, commercial, flower arrangement, or sun-catcher with “You were there for me from the moment I was born” (or other similar words), I am going to scream! I suppose I will be screaming a fair bit in the next few days???
Don’t get me wrong, I know those mothers are out there and as I said a moment ago. I celebrate them but what about the rest of us who feel anger, loss, pain, sadness or any other myriad of emotions linked to this day??? Mothers Day is a very hard day for many people out there. “Very hard” is a wildly worded understatement. Mothers Day to me is torture. The week leading up to it and then the day itself.

Mother

My mothers as I am sure you have all gathered was and still is a very abusive woman. Abusive doesn’t even come close to describing it but there is no need to trigger everyone here. 😉
She is STILL affecting my life negatively even though its been over a decade since I last spoke to her. I had a wonderful relationship with each of my 3 children and still do with my son but my girls started spending a lot of time with my mother when they were old enough to make their own choices. With them being 18 & 20, I have no control over that. They both know she abused me although the details were left out. No child needs to hear all that and truthfully? It is my personal choice not to tell them just yet. I can’t handle it. That said? They know PLENTY to make an informed decisions but…. my mother has them turned against me now. She has filled their heads with lies and offered them large gifts (computers, cameras, braces even) to sway them over to “her side”. I wish I was being paranoid. I really do.
This has happened over and over again in my life. I have no birth family in my life at all because of her. It is not that they believe her lies but in their words? “She would make our lives hell if we had contact with you.” They are sorry to cut me out but they do because of fear of what she would do. Honestly? I feel like an orphan. No grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and now even 2 of my own children. It truly breaks my heart and these days, my heart is hanging on only by a thread.
I also found out through my session last week where Julie talked about her still having contact by calling out the little girls in my system (I am still confused about this so I can not explain it better just yet). Suffice to say that she is using my DID against me to create negative contact and keep me spinning. The same DID that she tells everyone else is my wild bid for extra attention and that I am nothing but a liar. She’s a real peach eh?
Needless to say? The word “Mother” does not bring up a very positive connotation in my mind. It causes a firestorm instead. A firestorm of neglect, loss, anger, sadness, hurt, confusion… and right now? Hatred. I’ve never felt hate towards anyone before. Not even her but this latest stunt she is pulling with my girls has sent me right over the edge and I am doing battle with some feelings that I have never experienced before.

I also have friends whom wanted children and for a variety of reasons could not have any. Infertility, the lack of a good relationship, some fear if they can be a good enough mother given their past… This is a very hard day for them too.

And still others who have experienced loss. The loss of their mother, the loss of a child, the loss of the mother they wished they had… just so many reasons to experience loss on this day.

I am sorry to write a blog that to many may seem very negative but I know a lot of people out there suffer on days like this and don’t often get to vent their feelings because it is not how we are “supposed” to feel. If you are one of those people? Please just know that you are not alone. Others out there that struggle just like you do. It is not all roses, sweet cards, loving family meals, and thoughtful gifts. There are others out there just like you that dread this day for a variety of reasons. I hope it helps you as it helps me to know that you are not alone in those feelings.

And to those of you that are happy with the relationships that you have or had, those of you with cute little ones that are making you cards in school with way too much glue and that ever dreaded glitter, mothers with grown children who will call, send a card or be able to come see you… please do enjoy your day. You deserve it!!! You really do. Just because everyone is not so fortunate should not take away from your joy. Not even one little bit. I do hope however that knowing how some others feel will make you stop for a moment and appreciate the relationships you have even more. Happy Mothers Day to you!!!

For those of you who feel the way that I do or some variation of it? I call it Monsters Day. It just helps me cope somehow. It is no longer Mothers Day to me at all. I celebrate my children and the relationships that we have (and regarding the girls, will hopefully have again) every other day of the year. Just not on Monsters Day.
Try to find a healthy way to distract yourself that will not put you right in the middle of others who find joy in this day if that bothers you as it does me. Rent a funny movie, take a bath, read, do a craft, call a friend that understands, clean your house, make some yummy food for the week ahead… do anything at all that fills your soul and helps replace some of the emptiness this day can bring.

So happy Mothers Day to some, Happy Monsters Day to others.
Know that I am thinking about you all.

Mothers Day

11 responses to “Mothers/Monsters Day

  1. I feel your pain even though I never had the guts to have children for the same reason you said; the lack of a good relationship, some fear if they can be a good enough mother given their past… “and being in panic not knowing if I would be any different and especially horrified with the idea that they could feel what I feel for my mother. Today with 47 years old and had to moved in some years ago, it has been hell all over again. Not that different from your mother and probably worse in some aspects. On top of that I have to listen to my doctors wanting to do a hysterectomy and taking the rest of what’s left of a mother off of me. I have to be in denial on the emotional pain of what has been taken from me, the choice to be a mother. For her, the first reaction was: “it’s the best thing for you”. I called her sociopath, which is true. She is always cool when I am in the worst pain.
    I am amazed for not seeing people defending motherhood and wanting to burn you alive for writing about such a “sacred” matter. I never care for mother/fathers day, because my parents only knew how to break us inside. They don’t/didn’t love us nor do they care about any damage they did, they only care for their image and make sure no one will ever know what they are able to do. The “father” has passed away in 2000, already late… I just want to forget it all.
    Sorry for the long comment. (this is the short version LOL)

    Trinity

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    • Your comment was great and not as long as my blog so you can still call it “short”. 😉
      I am sorry for what you went through as well.
      I share very few details of my mother and what happened to me but I will say that there is nothing within human thought that she wasn’t/isn’t willing to try for her pleasure. She was diagnosed as a sadistic psychopath by my therapy team and her doctor (regular MD) agrees. Quite frankly? It doesn’t even matter what happened or how bad it was. NONE of us should have to go through any of this crap.
      I also seriously feared if I woudl be a good mother and I am sure I overcompensated a lot. Having 2 of the 3 turned against me now is just heartbreaking. I’m sorry you are going through.
      Hugs.

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      • Dam, I think it is the most unfair thing to happen to a person, is surviving so much damage and evil and at the end, after doing all to avoid repeating the same cycle, she still breaks your heart. I can tell you this; your kids will learn the truth and how of a criminal mind is your mother. Mine lies to everyone and paint her image as an innocent angel but at the end people always starts seeing she is anything but an angel. They have no idea that they aren’t consistent nor coherent with their “truth and innocence” you will see her fall and your kids will understand at some extend one of the faces of true evil, that will be their biggest lesson in their lives. Yesterday I told my “mother” to stop acting so innocent when talking to me, to leave her lies and the persona she created to deceived people for those who don’t have a clue about who she is. I am the only person who really knows what she is capable of and who se really is. Se smiled at me and couldn’t finally find something to make me feel guilty about to clean what I said. Very rare this reaction but it was late at night and I was very calm and not giving a shi… and she wasn’t expecting it. I am so so sorry that you have to live this hell but, believe this, it will be over one of these days because she is insane. Have faith in the love you have for them.

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  2. Thank you for your honesty, sharing these thoughts and feelings. My reasons for feeling the way I do differ from yours. Just another variation of reasons from the ones you list. My parents are both gone now, although they were good people. My children have no contact with me, basically for the same reasons as your daughters, only it comes from their father.
    I am glad to know that I am not alone on the one hand, on the other hand, I am sorry for your losses and those of anyone that feels the way we do.
    I will try to keep in mind what you say and make the effort to focus on anything but… Hope you have the most peaceful monsters day possible.

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    • I appreciate you writing in. Having children that do not speak to you for any reason is just horrible. You are definitely not alone and now I am positive that I am not either. Thank you. A peaceful Monsters Day to you as well. Or in your case shall I wait for Mister Monsters Day in June? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I dread this time of year. My mother took her life on May 5th and my subconscious remembers the energy in the house around that time. Being only 4 at the time, I don’t have a lot of memories of her, but the few I do have are negative. Then my father married a narcissist. So I have a double whammy on mothers. It’s not a happy holiday for everyone. Peace.

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  4. Thank you, it is pretty much both. I can’t imagine how my kids feel on monsters day. I hate the idea that they think I would do what he said I did. To feel that their mother cared so little for them that she would do what he said I did, that must feel horrible and if my boys would listen to me, give me the benefit of the doubt and let me at least speak, maybe they would know how much I love them. I put myself through hell with that man for them. That is fine, that was my choice. The point is that I loved them enough to be there until I couldn’t possibly anymore. I can’t imagine my sons not being extremely harmed by this. I don’t want them to get into relationships with that belief. I want them to know the truth, not only because I miss them every minute of everyday, but because they need to know. This makes me feel as though I am not done. The most important thing I want them to know is that I love them. I wouldn’t even be capable of what he says I am.
    I don’t even know if this man is convinced that I did do what he says. If it is, in 16 years he never got that idea from me. Never perfect, did a lot of stupid things. I was never deceitful. Even if I wanted to be, I am not good at that.
    All they ever had to do was ask, but they never did. Now I feel I have begun a post. Sorry. Triple

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  5. Growing up I thought I had a Norman Rockwell family and the world’s greatest mom. Then I got married and for some reason my mother never accepted my wife. I couldn’t believe it at first. I assured my wife that my mother would NEVER do the things my wife kept telling me my mom was doing when I wasn’t around. It took about 10 years before I finally had it out with my mother and told her if she made me choose, I would choose my wife. Even then she never admitted any wrong doing.

    It’s left me feeling ambivalent. I’m certainly glad for my mostly happy childhood and truly feel it has helped me weather all the stuff that has happened from the d.i.d., and things are ‘better’ with my mom. I think she finally got that she really would lose me if she didn’t at least be polite to my wife, but this day will never be what it once was to me, and for that I am truly sorry.

    Thanks for the nice post…

    Sam

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    • I am so sorry that your mother dislikes your wife. That would be awful. That said? My mother said my husband was boring and she’d never “put up with him”. I chose him. I dearly hope I NEVER do anything like that to my children. Enjoy your weekend Sam.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautifully said… and I need a tissue. The loss I feel on this day is also great! Thanks for reminding me I am not alone.

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