Julie had a lot to say.

I don’t even know how to start this.
If you recall, a couple of weeks ago, I said that I was going to be going to my therapist and he was going to attempt to speak directly to the Helpers. I was excited by that but also VERY nervous.
Well, the day finally arrived and yesterday was it.
The hardest part for me was allowing a switch to happen. I have spent my life trying to hang on and not disappear. Many eons before I even knew I had DID, I was just trying to stop myself from losing time or “daydreaming”. To just go in and sit down then hope Julie would take over (she’s the “boss” and knows the most) was beyond weird.
It took quite awhile and felt like forever to me because I felt so exposed and so unsure of how this woudl all work. If it worked at all.

Eventually the doctor spoke of a few very triggering incidents and that helped a lot. Julie jumped right in as always to protect me from him. From that moment I recall nothing about the appointment at all though it was recorded so if I choose to hear the whole thing, I can. Right now I do not want to. In all honesty, I still have trouble accepting that I have DID even though I know I do. Having the “events” recorded and hearing/seeing it is still just too much for me.
That said? The main points were all written down and the doctor discussed each of the main topics with me.

Well…
Julie had a LOT to say it seems. She was quite happy to list off where I needed the most help, what issues were most important to her for me to work on, she also told him things that I had no knowledge of at all and even more information that answered questions that I’ve had for a long time. It was a VERY productive 40 minutes apparently. I’ve always been told that she’s quick, to the point and very “in charge”. In hoping for her to shed light on a few things, she did not disappoint.

I will admit that I was very upset with her for bringing up 4 issues that I have not really wanted to discuss. I guess I always knew the need for bringing these thoughts to therapy but I have avoided them with a ten foot pole. Now I am admitting them to you as well? Times have changed…
1 – My weight and why I keep it where it is as protection against being attractive. This is a touchy subject of course. I did know about this but discussing it with others is not my idea of a party. Julie just laid it out there and said she was sick of it.
2 – How the little girls within me really need to be given a voice and I need to go in to far more depth about the past. In Julie’s eyes, I “skim” over certain events very lightly and avoid really dealing with them. Those little girls/parts of me are still stuck back there in time and will stay there until I find a way to deal with these things.
3 – That my home life with some members of my family and their friends was often worse than my life outside of my home and the situations that I was put in to outside the home were the easier of the two places to be. That was very hard to hear. Someting in me has always known that but I find it VERY hard to believe considering the situations that I was put in to on a regular basis. That said, Julie would never have told a lie. Especially one that would hurt me so I have to trust her.
4 – Her last point and the one that made me feel the most weepy was she feels that I really need to deal with who I feel that I woudl have become if not for my parents and my past getting in my way. This is something I very rarely ever discuss with anyone because from the outside people see how much I accomplished, they have very little idea of how much was taken away. These regrets haunt me.

Those were the really tough subjects that were brought to the forefront. Some shocked me while others were a bit more like having my secrets shared. As much as they upset me to hear them, Julie was right to brig each one up. Dealing with these issues can only help me.

I also learned some interesting facts like how Julie got her name and she’d actually like to have it changed to one that she chose.
Helper Julie came along when I was 8 and a particularly bad and prolonged situation was taking place. I do recall the situation even though she did not tell the doctor (who knew she could keep her mouth shut about anything at all?). Now that I know she came to be at 8. I know why she is the way that she is. A tough, self assured, take no crap, person who gets things done was needed very badly at that time. I had nothing left to give.

I wonder if I need to give her the chance to use the name she really feels is hers? That would be so weird for me and others. Julie is who she’s always been to us. Then again, knowing Julie? She’ll do whatever she dang well pleases and I will have blessed little to say about it. *laugh*
P.S. I was not told what name she prefers.

I also found out that I have more male Helpers than I realized and my confusion as to why a woman would have male Helpers was not at all confusing to her. “Sometimes you just need a big  burly man to step in to protect you”. Well okay then…
There is one older woman, one older man, several men in their 20’s as well as several women in their 20’s, a few teen girls and quite a few young girls. I knew 90% of that but knowing it now “for sure” is sort of nice. She rattled off names and reasons why certain Helpers were in our group like she was rhyming off a shopping list. My doctor said that she most obviously knows everyone very well. No shock to me there. That is why she is referred to as “The Boss”. 🙂

The one HUGELY shocking piece of information that I learned was that my mother knows about the younger girls and uses them to contact me. I knew nothing about this contact at all but always had this uneasy feeling that things went on that I knew nothing about. As much as this made me incredibly upset and makes me madder than I can express here, this piece of information allows me one thing that I’ve been unable to do so far and that is to start legal action. To at least keep her legally away from me. My neighbours can be shown the paperwork and also report her being near my home. Until now I had nothing but my very confused word.
And yes, she lives very close by to me. 1 kilometre to be exact. A short 5-10 minute walk) I moved over 3,000 kms to get away from her and 2 months later she had a house down the road from me here. 😦

So like I said, it was absolutely overwhelming, I am feeling very tender today and I know I have some new hurdles to jump now but we got more direction in 40 minutes than I could have provided in a year.

Thank you Julie… or whatever your name is. 😉DID

17 responses to “Julie had a lot to say.

  1. You are courageous beyond words. You are loveable beyond comprehension. You are a Way Shower. Thank you.

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    • My gosh Sue. Thank you. ❤ I will admit that I had no idea what a Wayshower" was so I Googled it. 🙂 Oh my goodness… that is such an incredible compliment. Thank you!!! Your kindness know no bounds.

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  2. That a lot of heavy things to deal with at one time. Keep your boundaries with the therapist and make sure that they are told how much you can do at a time, You have a lot of tough things to work through.
    You should decide along with the therapist what the priorities are and what the order should be.
    The situation with your mother sounds like it is one of the biggest priorities to you.
    You are doing well at making progress. Just be careful to go at your own pace.Therapy can sometimes be re-traumatizing , from my personal experience. I have had to insist on boundaries before with a therapist.
    Trauma is a terrible thing to carry. You are learning more about yourself and how to care for yourself, which is a good thing. Caring for ourselves is a very important skill to learn as an adult, when we were not cared for as children,
    I am sending positive thoughts your way.
    Blessings,
    Annie

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    • Thank you so much Annie. 🙂 This therapist has never dealt with anyone with DID before. He is a very kind and gentle soul. I an sure he had no clue how much of that information was totally new to me or how overwhelmed it woudl make me feel. I will discuss it with him at our next appointment and tell him that I don’t need a “run down” of everything at once. One detail or situation at a time is more than enough. I know he will respect my wishes. He always does which is why I trusted him enough to allow this to happen in the first place.
      Thank you so much for your reply and your encouragement. It means a lot to me.
      Blessings to you as well.
      Heather

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  3. Well said Sue. I am SO proud to know you Heather. What a huge step forward, and dealing with your “Monster” legally will be another one, I’m sure. Yay Julie! Sending you much love.xxx

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    • Thank you Wendy. I made the call this morning to a police officer that deals with child abuse cases. He was recommended to me by a friend. I will discuss this with him and see where to go. I have zero interest in any legal battle or charges being laid (my view of the legal system is very poor for very good reasons) but I do want a restraining order. FINALLY I have “just cause”. Hugs.

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      • It’s an incredible step to make that phone call Heather. If all you get is stopping her from lurking outside your home (or even better, getting her arrested!) it will be a job well done. Most of all, it may also bring you peace. Cwtches.xxx

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  4. Wow! This is huge! You go girl!

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  5. I feel honored that you have chosen to share these details of your journey with us……..it seems as if your courage and bravery in allowing your therapist to speak directly to your Helpers will really help you in the long run. I wish you healing and peace…..goodness knows you deserve it!

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  6. Heather and Julie,

    Good job! I’m sure it was scary the first time to give up control in your session. I believe that validating everyone in the network and accepting whatever needs they reveal has been a key part of my wife’s healing. I don’t psychoanalyze the needs the various girls tell me. I accept them and do what I can to help meet them…and once I do, that seems to release them from the grip that the past has on them so that they can heal and move forward in the present.

    If Julie doesn’t want to be called Julie, validate that desire. My girlfriend just outed my wife and said she really doesn’t like the name she’s always been called her entire life. So I’m trying to validate her desire and call her the name she prefers. I know it will take time to change a 30-year habit, but I’m trying. Alley my wife’s defender has changed her name a number of times since she joined us to reflect her healing, growth and maturity levels, and I just go with the flow…

    You said yesterday, you hoped for my comments today. I don’t want to overwhelm you, so I will be happy to answer specific things, if you want. I see a lot of great things in this post, and am happy for everyone that you took this step forward!

    Sam

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    • You have no idea how much I appreciate this advice/knowledge Sam. You have let me know that my intuition is right and I should not just accept what others feel is best for me. So many professionals have only the very best of intentions and they do what they feel in their heart to be right but if it does not jive with what I know to be right? I will feel stronger about challenging their assumptions regarding what is best for me. This 40 minutes with Julie being allowed to speak solved more issues than I coudl have done alone in a year. To me? That shows me how powerful my Helpers can be in continuing my moving forwards and healing. Thank you for validating my thoughts by sharing your experience.

      Calling Julie by the name Julie is an emotion connection for me. It has allowed me to feel that somehow I am still close to my sister even though she is gone. I will respect Helper Julie and begin using the name she says has been hers all along but I never knew what it was. She is April. She’s been April for almost 40 years.

      Calling your wife by a new name must be tough! My son also changed his name and it is hard to remember to use the new name but eventually it comes naturally. Our brains are wonderful things. Good luck with making the switch!

      Thanks again Sam. Your feedback means the world to me especially at times like these.
      Heather

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      • I always look for win/win solutions when I give suggestions to the various girls in my wife’s network. So if the name Julie is important to you, maybe you can find some way to keep her name as a part of your life. Not knowing you, I can’t make any suggestions, but maybe you, the helpers or your husband could think of a way for you to keep that connection in your life and still validate April.

        I believe that therapists definitely have an important place in the healing process, but you and I live this d.i.d. life 24/7. Your husband and I can see things you and my wife won’t be able to see, but you and my wife can see things we can’t. And as a team, I believer spouses, partners, loved ones can help the person with d.i.d. navigate the labyrinth that this disorder poses in a way that therapists simply can’t understand when they are only a part of things an hour or two a week in an artificial setting (their office).

        Take care.

        Sam

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      • Thank you Sam.
        I feel that I just need a bit of time to adjust. I will absolutely validates APRIL and use the name she chose for herself YEARS ago but I never knew. I just feel a bit of grief about it. A loss in a way that most people don;t understand. I will be okay though. Your support helps.
        I totally agree that our husband/wife teams can do a lot for each other. I believe that in time my husband will get more comfortable in discussing it with me and worry less about hurting my feelings or saying something wrong. I do not blame him for being wary. I was far closer to the edge than I am now and I was there for a long time. He will get there too. In the meantime? Being loved as completely as he loves me is a very healing with or without anything else.
        Thanks again Sam. I learn a lot from you and my husband is beginning to also pay attention to what you say as well as a few blogs. I am sure that it is nice to know he’s not alone. 🙂

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  7. Dancing Butterfly

    Dear You,
    Julie did have a lot to say and wow – she’s good at it. Having seen Julie at work first hand, I feel confident that she has your back. She is a no-sh*&%t kind of girl. I am in a way very happy that she shared as much as she did so as to continue to work on chipping away at the pieces that are confusing, difficult, upsetting, the pieces that we would just love to keep filed away, never to have to deal with them. But this is precisely what has created a bigger issue for us.
    It occurred to me today, on the day that you will go and speak to your therapist about Hannah, that Julie actually was preparing you for this visit.

    She wants you to get to know the other helpers and help you go back to go forward. And wow – if you could see the degree of growth, learning, understanding, perseverance and determination that I see from here, it would blow your mind. It’s beautiful. You are facing all of this, even though it is so painful and difficult.

    I find it very challenging and sad sometimes when I discover new things about myself and my past and the situations that have happened to me. When I first learned that I had c-ptsd I was like no, denial, whatever, even though it was glaringly obvious that I was very unwell. And I denied all the way till tuesday that things were what they were. Being in Homewood helped me uncover and make some sense of what the hell was going on for me. And then help me learn about feelings, what they were, how to deal with them among other skills. All too overwhelming. But it didn’t stop there and 2 years post HW more stuff keeps coming up. Part of me wants to say, really??? there’s more? I can’t cope with this. I can’t handle it. And some days I really can’t and I want to run away from myself. I am small, I do want to hide, and the list goes on. But I have some amazing supports and places where I can speak to people to KNOW and GET it (like you) and well as my therapist. I am learning that it is a process. That just when I think that it’s ALL out, something new arises. And then it all starts again with the REALLY? comment.

    I am thinking of you, today and always.
    Blessings and thank you so much for sharing.

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    • Gosh D.! How am I supposed to reply to such wise words? You have come so far as well my friend and I am very glad that we were both just crazy enough to land at Homewood together yet not crazy enough to lose our friendship. 😉
      Many hugs! ❤

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