I don’t even know how to start this.
If you recall, a couple of weeks ago, I said that I was going to be going to my therapist and he was going to attempt to speak directly to the Helpers. I was excited by that but also VERY nervous.
Well, the day finally arrived and yesterday was it.
The hardest part for me was allowing a switch to happen. I have spent my life trying to hang on and not disappear. Many eons before I even knew I had DID, I was just trying to stop myself from losing time or “daydreaming”. To just go in and sit down then hope Julie would take over (she’s the “boss” and knows the most) was beyond weird.
It took quite awhile and felt like forever to me because I felt so exposed and so unsure of how this woudl all work. If it worked at all.
Eventually the doctor spoke of a few very triggering incidents and that helped a lot. Julie jumped right in as always to protect me from him. From that moment I recall nothing about the appointment at all though it was recorded so if I choose to hear the whole thing, I can. Right now I do not want to. In all honesty, I still have trouble accepting that I have DID even though I know I do. Having the “events” recorded and hearing/seeing it is still just too much for me.
That said? The main points were all written down and the doctor discussed each of the main topics with me.
Julie had a LOT to say it seems. She was quite happy to list off where I needed the most help, what issues were most important to her for me to work on, she also told him things that I had no knowledge of at all and even more information that answered questions that I’ve had for a long time. It was a VERY productive 40 minutes apparently. I’ve always been told that she’s quick, to the point and very “in charge”. In hoping for her to shed light on a few things, she did not disappoint.
I will admit that I was very upset with her for bringing up 4 issues that I have not really wanted to discuss. I guess I always knew the need for bringing these thoughts to therapy but I have avoided them with a ten foot pole. Now I am admitting them to you as well? Times have changed…
1 – My weight and why I keep it where it is as protection against being attractive. This is a touchy subject of course. I did know about this but discussing it with others is not my idea of a party. Julie just laid it out there and said she was sick of it.
2 – How the little girls within me really need to be given a voice and I need to go in to far more depth about the past. In Julie’s eyes, I “skim” over certain events very lightly and avoid really dealing with them. Those little girls/parts of me are still stuck back there in time and will stay there until I find a way to deal with these things.
3 – That my home life with some members of my family and their friends was often worse than my life outside of my home and the situations that I was put in to outside the home were the easier of the two places to be. That was very hard to hear. Someting in me has always known that but I find it VERY hard to believe considering the situations that I was put in to on a regular basis. That said, Julie would never have told a lie. Especially one that would hurt me so I have to trust her.
4 – Her last point and the one that made me feel the most weepy was she feels that I really need to deal with who I feel that I woudl have become if not for my parents and my past getting in my way. This is something I very rarely ever discuss with anyone because from the outside people see how much I accomplished, they have very little idea of how much was taken away. These regrets haunt me.
Those were the really tough subjects that were brought to the forefront. Some shocked me while others were a bit more like having my secrets shared. As much as they upset me to hear them, Julie was right to brig each one up. Dealing with these issues can only help me.
I also learned some interesting facts like how Julie got her name and she’d actually like to have it changed to one that she chose.
Helper Julie came along when I was 8 and a particularly bad and prolonged situation was taking place. I do recall the situation even though she did not tell the doctor (who knew she could keep her mouth shut about anything at all?). Now that I know she came to be at 8. I know why she is the way that she is. A tough, self assured, take no crap, person who gets things done was needed very badly at that time. I had nothing left to give.
I wonder if I need to give her the chance to use the name she really feels is hers? That would be so weird for me and others. Julie is who she’s always been to us. Then again, knowing Julie? She’ll do whatever she dang well pleases and I will have blessed little to say about it. *laugh*
P.S. I was not told what name she prefers.
I also found out that I have more male Helpers than I realized and my confusion as to why a woman would have male Helpers was not at all confusing to her. “Sometimes you just need a big burly man to step in to protect you”. Well okay then…
There is one older woman, one older man, several men in their 20’s as well as several women in their 20’s, a few teen girls and quite a few young girls. I knew 90% of that but knowing it now “for sure” is sort of nice. She rattled off names and reasons why certain Helpers were in our group like she was rhyming off a shopping list. My doctor said that she most obviously knows everyone very well. No shock to me there. That is why she is referred to as “The Boss”. 🙂
The one HUGELY shocking piece of information that I learned was that my mother knows about the younger girls and uses them to contact me. I knew nothing about this contact at all but always had this uneasy feeling that things went on that I knew nothing about. As much as this made me incredibly upset and makes me madder than I can express here, this piece of information allows me one thing that I’ve been unable to do so far and that is to start legal action. To at least keep her legally away from me. My neighbours can be shown the paperwork and also report her being near my home. Until now I had nothing but my very confused word.
And yes, she lives very close by to me. 1 kilometre to be exact. A short 5-10 minute walk) I moved over 3,000 kms to get away from her and 2 months later she had a house down the road from me here. 😦
So like I said, it was absolutely overwhelming, I am feeling very tender today and I know I have some new hurdles to jump now but we got more direction in 40 minutes than I could have provided in a year.