Happy Friday to all you Friday lovers out there!
So… I feel the need to talk about being terrified.
There are always the “normal” things in my life that can be downright scary such as flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations, and my latest totally unlikely hyper-vigilant thought of someone shooting me through my windows while at home. I just wish that “not likely” would translate in my brain to “stop worrying about it” but I’ve been avoiding windows now for 2 months and can’t shake it. Anyhoodles, that is another story.
The terrified I am speaking of today has more to do with healing.
I was at my regular therapy session on Wednesday and my doctor asked if I would be willing to allow him to speak directly to my Helpers.
One side of my was actually THRILLED because most therapists/doctors won’t. They want to speak to core Heather all the time. While I understand their rationale? My Helpers know a ton of things that I do not know. So many of my fuzzy, out of focus thoughts can be explained by them. That said? Allowing myself to dissociate rather than fighting it off takes a HUGE leap of faith. He will record it so I can see or hear anything that I wish to see after the fact but allowing this process to happen means I have to trust him. Yes I said the “T” word. Trust.
As a bit of a side note here… I do not actually feel that I will listen to or watch the sessions. That might sound strange to you but I actually feel that my Helpers will be more open and more honest if they do not fear hurting me with information they have to share. I want them to be able to speak freely. At this time, my hope is that they can fill in some of the blanks for the doctor and this will help him to provide even better support for me. There are some very key questions that I am unable to answer and they cause me a great deal of anxiety trying to guess what is right. The Helpers may be able to explain a lot. I will trust him to tell me whatever he feels will be helpful at this time and I will keep a copy of the recording for my own use one day down the road. IF it feels right at some point to listen to it and if I feel I can handle whatever I hear? I will create safety for myself and then listen to it. Just not now.
I have heard other bloggers with DID speak about this process as a somewhat regular part of their therapy. Not dissociating on purpose perhaps, but having their therapist actively accept and work with their others. I’ve always really respected that this has been something they have done willingly or not… they still go back knowing it could happen again. That takes guts.
I feel that it has been a bit different for me in that I found out that I had DID while in hospital and the rule of thumb was that you avoid dissociating at all costs. It was viewed as an unhealthy coping mechanism that must be stopped. I have spent a huge part of my last 2 years trying to prevent dissociations and rarely “let” them happen even though letting them happen would be far easier.
Lately, I’ve really begun to question the logic behind this teaching. While I agree that general dissociations, suicidality, self harm, addictions and other coping strategies are unhealthy, I am starting to doubt that DID is unhealthy at all. It was created in an unhealthy environment and is not what I would wish for myself or my life but it was created to protect me and by trying to avoid allowing these pieces of my life to show themselves especially while in therapy is proving to have a negative boomerang effect on me rather than improving my life. My Helpers will do whatever they must do to be heard so if I prevent dissociations that will allow them to have their say, they will just show up at other possibly far more inopportune moments where the people around me have no ability to actually help me in any therapeutically forward moving way.
So back to being terrified. I am feeling a huge amount of anxiety about this all just because it is a new thought and I need to wrap my head around it. I need to allow myself to trust this doctor who has done absolutely nothing but prove his care and trustworthiness since the day I met him. He only wants what is best for me and I know it.
That said? YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So in the end, this just all makes me think that there are so many of us out there. Whether your issue is DID, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, any other mental health issue or no mental health issues at all… when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it is so scary. We are putting our heart and our thoughts out on the line for others to see and that is terrifying even if we know we can trust whomever we are sharing our life with.
If you can find your way to do this despite the weariness, uncertainty, fear, vulnerability or worry that it causes?
You are one of the most courageous people that I know.