A breakthrough!

I know that I never write on a Saturday but I am up late and I had a huge revelation last night while talking to a good friend.

For YEARS (decades actually), I’ve been unable to feel any emotion and that leaves me incredibly frustrated. No tears, very little true joy, I generally try to “parrot” other peoples reactions because what I feel is nothing. My psychiatrist calls it “numbing”. I call it freaking annoying!

As for the breakthrough… I think that I have found the place where some of my emotion lives. The fact that I have cried twice this weekend alone is showing me that I am on the right path. Now to share it with you and then eventually my therapist. I see him next Wednesday and will bring this short letter with me. Please do let me know what you think. Is there any chance that emotion lives in the same place for you?

The place where my feelings get made in to cement.

There is this place where my life and it’s stories are turned from horrific memories in to beautiful pastures filled with daisies. This place between the two is where cement is made that gets poured down my throat and it hardly ever gets smaller. Only larger and more suffocating.

You see, I start by recounting a memory or a fear. Perhaps I begin to speak about how I never knew what to do when I had my children. How I had nothing in me to give them. I had no instinct at all.
This comment is almost immediately followed by a good friend or professional that rushes in to remind me how well I did. How at least I knew that I needed help. I did not raise my children the same way and I should be proud of myself.
I don’t disagree with anything said here but it is the place between my statement and the rush to make it better for me that the cement gets poured.

If I was ever allowed to stay in that spot where I grieve for what I did not have? My feelings live there.
If allowed to stop and think about what I really felt at that time? It was mostly my wish to be a better mother but it was also a place of great loss and grief for what I never had. It became so incredibly obvious in that time of my life that I’d had nothing at all to prepare me just to be a normal human being let along leave me equipped to raise tiny human beings of my own.
And I am angry. I am resentful.
I wish that I’d been birthed in to a toilet and thrown in the garbage I’d have been better off.
I feel overwhelming hatred towards my mother for having me and my father for closing his eyes thereafter. The insane degree of neglect, making me feel totally worthless, and letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was a filthy, useless, empty, worthless, and in my parents words? “A complete and utter waste of the skin God gave me”.
I hate them.
I grieve for the life I should have had.
My emotion lives in this place but never gets a chance to see the light of day before someone quickly reminds me how wonderful I am with my own children. How well I do “in spite of everything”. They are not wrong but they take away my chance to actually feel what I need to feel before I can ever really move forward past the story about how hard it was to raise my kids.
The story really isn’t about my kids or who I am as a mother.
The story is about me being a child and being so incredibly hated.
It is a story of grief for what I didn’t have.

And yes, I can get past it all but I can not heal until I am given the time and space that I need to really sit there and feel what needs to be felt.
When I finally do that? When someone holds that space open for me and doesn’t rush to slam the doors with well-intentioned kindness? I can break up some of that cement rather than pouring even more.

Green

10 responses to “A breakthrough!

  1. Polly Chisholm

    Well put, you need to go through ALL the grieving phases to be properly healed. And you will.

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  2. Wow… grieving is so important. Such an eye opening blog Heather. I so agree… mental pain is increased by you pretending everything is ok when it’s not. Stepping towards your healing… ❤

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  3. I learned so much from this amazing post, Heather. In our rush to make those we care about try to feel better by reminding them about all the good in their lives, we negate their true feelings and miss the opportunity to let them be heard, and feel what they need to feel in order to begin true healing……..thank you for this lesson.

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    • That is so sweet of you to say. I know I do that as well but in having this “breakthrough”, I will change that.
      It feel huge to me. Like it will make a big difference for me and hopefully a few others. Nothing better than passing along what you figure out is there? You certainly do that as well and it’s great.

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  4. It is really true that you need to allow yourself to feel the power and anger behind the hatred. Once you do you will find incredible freedom. I am glad you are finding a voice for it in your blog. It is hard for people to see the purity of the anger and hate but hopefully your therapist will be able to hold that space for you. My therapist was the only one that could hold the intensity of my anger and hate.

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    • Thank you so much Janet. I am grateful to have a therapist that I think will hold that space once I explain to her that I need that. She’s always too quick to “happy it up”. I know she will listen and hear me though. I am happy that you found that in your therapist. Hate is such a huge emotion. Too big to wade through yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so glad that you are going to share this with your therapist. I think that your therapist is a great person to hold that space open for you. I also hope that in time, you can find another person who can also hold that space open for you. I have a couple of friends that do this for me in addition to my therapist and it has made a huge difference in my healing process.

    I also think that this is a very important lesson for everybody in all situations. People may have done a good job in spite of it all. But that is only part of the story. The rest of the story is the hard stuff that happened and the feelings that go with that stuff.

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    • I really appreciate your response. I am very blessed with a few good friends and I know they would also hold this space for me. The trouble was that I didn’t know I even had it in me. Thank you for sharing how you’ve made steps forwards. It all helps so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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