“Why such hate?”
“Why didn’t I run away?”
“Why didn’t I fight harder?”
“Why couldn’t they love me?”
“Why did (s)he have to be so nasty?”
“Why is there such pain in this world?”
“Why didn’t anyone step in to protect me?
The most difficult truth to accept in my opinion is that there are usually not many really good and honest answers to these questions. Simple answers yes, but answers that actually help us heal? I don’t feel that there are.
Finding a way to move on despite never getting your questions answered that can be the most difficult of all tasks.
For many years I never asked why. I just didn’t bother. I assumed that I had somehow allowed what happened to me or that I was somehow responsible for the way I was treated. If I had been a worthy person, I would have been treated as such. Since I wasn’t treated with any respect or even basic dignity? It only went to “prove” that I was unworthy of it.
When I began to heal and was taught that I had value, the “why” questions began to surface.
If I was so worthy and had value then why was I treated so badly?
If I was important and deserving of protection then why wasn’t I protected?
If I was not invisible, why did no one see what was going on?
Then there were the even more personal why questions…
Why couldn’t my father have opened his eyes and protected his daughter?
Why couldn’t my own mother love me? And if she couldn’t love me? Why couldn’t she have just given me away? Aborted me? Dropped me in the trash somewhere? Sadly each of those options would have spared me much pain.
The truth is that I will very likely never get GOOD answers to my questions. Why? I was born into a house of horrors, my father was afraid and had no courage, and my mother took great pleasure in doing every single thing she could think of to make my life a living hell. She left no stone unturned. Does that explanation help? No it doesn’t. Not in my world. I find ways to accept things more rationally during the day but then at night? My walls crash down and I am still that little girl. There are no answers good enough for her.
Now you know me well enough by now to know that I can never leave my blogs on a negative note right? Well? This one is no different.
I feel very passionate about leaving this world better than I found it and if I have not found a positive take on it myself yet? I don’t share it. This is who I’ve CHOSEN to be.
So almost a year ago I decided that I wanted to start a blog to share my story with others in hopes of reaching someone out there that felt as alone and as confused as I did. I have also been richly blessed in the past 2 years with good therapy and I have learned many very important lessons that have helped me out of what I felt was an inescapable deep and dark hole. I wanted to share these things with others that may not be as fortunate as I have been (or as pushy?).
I now have the answer to my “Why”.
While NOTHING can erase my past, I can write my own future. I can look at the skills I have because of what I went through. A very strong intuition, the ability to read people really well, a soul that has seen so much that it gained much wisdom, my Helpers and my knowledge gained through them, speaking many languages because of running away to Europe, and many more. Some of these I may have had anyways but I do feel that they are stronger and I trust them more because I’ve been through a lot.
And then I have my love of medicine which I gained starting very young due to my many procedures. I’ve been able to take my medical knowledge and use it to explain WHY trauma affects us the way that it does. The medical science behind it all.
But my biggest gift that I am most grateful for? My love of the written word and my ability to do it well (hopefully you agree *laugh*). What I have no words to express out loud can be written then suddenly make sense to me and to those who also read my work.
So I could write with deep personal knowledge. So I could motivate and attempt to inspire people who need the push as much as I did. So that I could share pieces of my story and what I have learned in a way that others seem to understand well. So I can watch the eyes of professionals in my classes whom I speak to and know that they have gained new knowledge or new compassion because of what I am able to share.
Was it all worth the trade? To be honest? No it wasn’t. No one should ever have to live my life. No one should ever know what it is like to experience that depth of cruelty. BUT it made me in to who I am today and I am beginning to really like myself. Because of that? I am not going to wish to change a thing.
The final answer to my question why is that it put me right here and to be blessed to get to know so many of you. It’s not an easy life but it is a good life and it gets better all the time.