It took me over a year to begin this blog. At first, I just couldn’t do it. I was so afraid of all the horrible comments that people put online. It’s nasty out there at times. All you need to do is check out a YouTube video to see what filth escapes the fingers of anonymous commentators. I feared that because I was not yet strong enough to deal with any more criticism. I was also deathly afraid of not being believed… AGAIN.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is most often referred to as “controversial”. If you look up depression, anxiety, or many other mental health issues, the explanations never begin with “depression is a controversial diagnoses”. Why not? It is just as invisible as DID is. You can fake depression too right?
I’ve also been diagnosed with depression and PTSD (an anxiety disorder by nature) so I am not being critical of either. I am just saying that no one ever doubted me or wanted me to prove that I was depressed or anxious. It was just accepted that I said I was so I was. Yet if I also tell that same person that I have DID? I am very often questioned or I get that look of “oh really?”.
Deciding to do this blog where I intended to focus much more on the DID side of things terrified me due to my past experiences.
Eventually, I bit the bullet anyways. Here I am 8 months later with hundreds of amazing people who have done nothing but encourage and support me. I feel VERY cared about and I appreciate that greatly.
That said, the one thing that touches my soul more than any other is when I get a comment or a private email from someone saying “I thought I was alone. Thank you for writing this.” “I thought I was just crazy.” “You seem so normal but you deal with this too and seem to live a good life. Maybe I can too.”
… not sure where normal fits in to my life but hey, it was a nice thing to say and that is a story for another blog! 😉
My heart is instantly filled with happiness that my willingness to open myself up has resulted in me being able to touch others and help them feel understood. I feel this way when I read other blogs as well. It is not just mine.
Every person out there that opens themselves up and publicly admits to their very private struggles impresses me incredibly. Each post is like a hand reaching out in to the darkness with the hope of showing someone out there where the path begins.
I really do not believe that I need to plaster the details of my trauma throughout my blog. I have no wish or want to traumatize anyone with the nitty-gritty. That said? I can let the basics of it out and then share what I have learned. What helps, what doesn’t. What frustrates me, what makes me laugh. The crappy parts of DID, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety but also the funny part. The good things that come with these diagnoses. Nothing is totally good or totally bad right?
In the process or writing this blog, I’ve been able to find a way to express myself and very often I begin to write when I am totally confused, frustrated or angry about something but by the end, I am making sense and guiding myself out of the dark spots. There is a saying but Flannery O’Connor that says “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I had to say.” That one fits me to a “T”. This blog has helped me as much as I could ever possibly hope to help someone else.
In sharing my story and others sharing theirs, we are unlocking prison doors for people daily. I know we are. 🙂 It feels great. I just hope that one day those same people will turn around and find the strength to share their stories so others may be led by them as well.