Hold on…

Every once in a while, having DID can be quite funny… in my opinion anyways. What I find normal throughout each day would likely freak the crap right out of most people. As annoying as so many of my symptoms can be, I do have to try to imagine a life without them and I am not totally sure that is what I want either. No wonder psychiatrists can agree on how to treat DID. Even I can’t decide what is right for the Helpers and I.
Back to the funny part!!! πŸ˜‰

I am standing at the gas station and there is this guy at the car next to mine. I don’t even notice him but then I hear some internal chatter about how cute he is… so I look. Who wouldn’t? Only a few of my Helpers speak to me but those who do rarely shut up.
Well, I didn’t think he was cute. Not at all. So I tell the vocal Helpers that he’s too buff and his arms are so big that his head looks like a peanut on shoulders. Helper James gets REALLY mad because he is built like that. OOPS! To be honest? I’ve never seen James so I didn’t know that.
I apologize to James and go back to the girl talk with a couple of younger Helpers. He’s cute, no he’s not, he’s cute, NO HE IS NOT!
Then a slightly older man walks out of the store after buying his gas and I will admit, I have a thing for grey hair. Richard Gere was my first movie star crush. You can blame him.
Well… the younger Helpers start with EWWWWWW! Gross! He’s OLD! The guy might have been 50. Not exactly old in my books. Just “refined”. At this point I am starting to feel very annoyed that no one can agree on anything so I lose my composure a bit and then totally not realizing I am using my outside voice? I blurt out “Oh for heaven’s sake! You girls need to just grow up a bit!”
I am standing there alone. “Peanut head” looks around to see who I am talking to. The sexier older gentleman also looks and can’t see anyone else around me. A few other people who I had not noticed are now looking as well.
So what do you do???
I opened my hatchback trunk, yelled in to it “You all better just hush or someones gonna pay!”, slam the trunk door, get back in my car and left.
At this point I am unsure if I should laugh or cry so I decide laugh. I look in my review mirror only to see people pointing at my car and trying to write down what I assume was my licence plate number.
The rest of the way home, we are all chatting and arguing rather heatedly about various things so my 45 minute ride goes very quickly. Suddenly I have to wonder what life is like for people who don’t have someone to talk to at all times?
What would it be like to wake up and not hear chatter immediately? What would it be like to be alone? How would I get through the events that my Helpers just take over for me as needed without me even knowing I am being “helped”? What is it like to try to speak many languages, have all sorts of different jobs, be able to fit in to almost every situations seamlessly because there are so many parts of you that can just take over?

DID has about a thousand issues that are hard to deal with but then on the flip side, we have strengths and abilities that very few other people have.
We are amazing multitaskers. We have to be. We’ve been juggling a multitude of voices, smells, needs, wants and sights since long before we even know we have DID.
We tend to be extremely intelligent and able to see things very differently from most people because our internal emotions are not just black or white. They are spread out more thinly so we see each situation from many sides.
Since many of our Helpers/others are really unique individuals, we can have a lot of different talents. Most people I have met with DID seem to be good at a multitude of different things. Music, writing, being creative, an ability to deal with various people. I rarely ever say that I want another Helper. The 24 I know of are more than enough for me to try to learn about but that said? I could REALLY use one that is good in math.
Know what else we can do? Time travel! We do not always have the ability to look back and recall certain events. Even the good ones. Quite often a Helper was out front at that time and they still live back in that time. If that Helper becomes willing to share parts of their life, we do not “look back”, we travel back and actually live there in that space in time. It is no longer 2015 if you are speaking to Hannah. It is 1974. I’ve been told that on the rare occasion a Helper is willing to talk, they do not recognize things like cell phones, laptops, or an iPad. They are not in 2015 and very likely never will be.

I know it is not always possible and my DID has gotten in my way more times than I care to remember but occasionally I also think it is okay to look at it as a special gift with its own strengths, inherent abilities and talents.
We are incredibly unique and should use this to our advantage to show the world outside of ourselves that there are more options and answers to every question than you could ever dream possible.

Hold On

12 responses to “Hold on…

  1. Great post, Heather, and I do believe how you look at things can make such a difference in your life. So yes, you truly do have special gifts. And one of the most helpful ones, I believe, is a sense of humor, which you clearly have!


  2. Thank you Heather for this compassionate and humourous look at DID. The ability to laugh at ourselves is one of the greatest gifts of all.

    With all the chatter and companionship, do you still feel lonely sometimes?

    I appreciate your unwavering honesty and vulnerability.


    • Oh Sue, I miss you so much at times like these. I just want to give you a big hug.
      You know? I have only felt lonely for very brief snippets of time. Maybe 15 minutes twice a year or something. Just long enough to now what it feels like and feel badly for people who feel it MUCH more often and for longer. I do occasionally wish I could be lonely at times like when I am trying to concentrate and the noise won’t simmer down. When I want to read but a Helper wants to do something else. When a Helper is feeling panicked and I feel all that emotion without any explanation. I guess every way of life has its pros and cons right?
      The next time you are reading a good book, read a few pages for me okay? πŸ˜‰


  3. I totally agree with Janet – one of the greatest gifts a person can have is a sense of humour, and YOU have that in spades Heather! Also, do you find that now you know what you are dealing with (DID), that it’s “easier” to put a positive or humorous slant on things? Incidentally, I talk to myself all the time, and I don’t have DID. Great blog.x
    p.s. I’m totally with you on Silver Fox v Peanut Head!x


    • Oh Wendy, you are so funny. πŸ™‚
      And yes oh yes, yes, yes!!!!!! It is so much easier to laugh at it all now that I know what it is. I was so afraid of it all before. I wouldn’t admit to hearing voices, seeing things, smelling things that were not there. I truly believed I’d be locked away. Since learning that I have DID, the pressure cooker feeling is gone and although it all still makes me feel really out of sorts some days? I am able to laugh at some days too. πŸ™‚
      Since you always leave such nice comments, I will let you have first pick on the silver fox. πŸ˜‰


  4. Enjoyed your funny post, Heather. Glad you can laugh about it.

    But on my blog I talk about ‘singletons’ as ‘non-dissociated multiples’ because as I’ve helped my girls heal, they taught me a lot about myself and to learn to listen to the voices in my head and not shun them just because our culture has a hang up about ‘hearing voices.’


    • That is a terrific insight for you Sam. I agree with your wording completely. My poking fun at my DID is my way of allowing some stream to escape. This was just one of those nights when it could have driven me literally insane but I chose to find it amusing instead. I can’t always manage that so I was proud of myself for being able to do it this time. I personally have no hang up at all with hearing voices. They are my “Helpers”, not my nemesis. πŸ™‚ They know when i am joking. They’ve been with me almost forever.


  5. I have been learning a lot about DID from you and a few others. I really like how you see the gifts in the way you are and I love how you use humor. It helps me to laugh at my constantly going brain that is always filled with ideas about what to do to get better. I am tired of trying to get better. I want to work well and have humor with the way I am. Thanks for showing me this can be done.


    • I really appreciate your words Janet. I am also always striving to do better but I am learning to occasionally stop to see how far I have already come (I am sure you have already travelled quite a distance to from where you were to where you are?). Sometimes I do think we just need to laugh at the craziness that goes on between our ears. πŸ™‚


  6. Oh Heather, I would have totally cracked up laughing with you, if we both were at that gas station! I see the whole scene now.! Yes, laughter is the best medicine…..we gotta have it here in our household each day or I’d go bonkers!
    Looking forward to many friendship and laughter years to come!


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