I’m not certain how many of you are familiar with Maya Angelou and her works? I will admit that I tried to read her poetry and books and just couldn’t get in to them at all but her quotes seem to stick to my mind like glue. Her words are so simple, so pure, and they are the truth. Some are valuable life lessons, others point you in a better direction, and then she has the quotes that you like them when you first read them but they can move your heart when you find a way to really believe them.
Over the past two months with all the upset with my daughters leaving unexpectedly, I have been terribly triggered. I have been abandoned by one person after another throughout my whole life. Some people are meant to come and then leave but others? Your parents, aunts, uncles, other family members, good friends, and the people you hold within your heart? They are not supposed to leave you. I’ve lost many to untimely deaths, most at their own hands, a son to the hands of someone else. and then one family member after another because while I remained silent, my mother did not and told vicious lies to make people think I was a horrible person. (Very typical narcissist behaviour.) I have dealt with these issues for the most part in the best that I can and I have built a family made up of amazing friends, my husband’s family and the family I created myself.
Still… there is this nagging little voice that won’t shut up (not a Helper LOL) that says. “People will continue to leave. You are not good/smart/pretty/nice/helpful enough.”
When my girls left suddenly before Christmas, my brain immediately jumped to “See! I told you that you are not good enough! You were not a good enough parent. You are simply not good enough to be worthy of their love, time or respect.”
I know this is not true yet I struggle to convince myself that it is not the truth.
I read it once. Then again. Soon I began to say it to myself out loud. For the Helpers who will listen to me? I told them they needed to say it and feel it as well.
A few weeks have passed since the whole blow up and Christmas is finally over (PHEW!!!). I am starting to get my balance again but my heart is still very tender. It hurts to lose even more people who I love. I hope it will not be forever. I was the best Mom I could possibly be so hopefully when they get out of my mothers claws, they will remember that and come back to me.
In the meantime, I must repeat and remind myself “I alone am enough.”
I am enough! Damn it. I really am enough. I have gotten to where I believe it 70% of the time. That’s pretty good don’t you think?
I am sure that there are times that you struggle as well. Feel “less than”, forgotten, misunderstood or uncared for. I hope you will try to say to yourself that you alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.
I promise you that you really are enough. You don’t need to do anything at all. you are enough just for being who you really are.