Closure only has 7 letters yet the word carries an incredible amount of power. It is a big, meaningful, important, wanted, well-loved word.
So what happens when we can not have closure? When the people who hurt you, the boss that humiliated you, the man responsible for your pain, the woman who shattered your mind, the anyone at all who did anything that they will never truly be sorry for are in our lives, hearts and minds?
This question has bothered me for decades. There are just some people out there that will NEVER apologize for the pain they caused you. They will never see your hurt or your pain. If they ever do see it? They won’t care. They will blame you for being weak rather than accept that they bullied you. They will repeat their pattern of hurting you, they will call you names, they will put expectations upon you that you will never be able to attain. They will leave you feeling useless, unworthy and unimportant.
You know you can not reason with these people. They will never hear your words. Any pieces of the story that does make it through to them will be distorted. Twisted around in such a way that you are left wondering what on earth just happened. It is the ultimate mind f***.
It all sounds dreadful doesn’t it? Well it is that but it also sounds hopeless and it is not hopeless. Not at all.
There is beauty and power to be found in the idea of “no contact”.
You do not need to stay at the job, in that relationship, or continue to be the whipping post in your community. You do not need to give ANYONE your power.
You can take it back with your silence. You can refuse to be baited. You can refuse to be bashed. You can refuse to give anyone the least bit of pleasure by getting to cause and then see your pain.
You are finally saying NO MORE! Your voice is silent yet your words will ring loud and clear as if you have screamed it in their faces. “You can not make me react to you any longer!!!”
To a narcissist? This is the biggest injury you can inflict on them. The lack of a reaction. The lack of getting to see your pain. Giving them nothing at all to fight you with. You can do nothing worse to them than taking away their power with your silence.
With having no contact at all, you are telling them that their tricks will not work any longer. You are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. This is your way of always getting the last word.
I can not promise they will stop causing trouble, talking about you to others, bashing you, putting wedges between you and people you care about, hurting your feelings, or just generally being a royal pain in your arse. I have not spoken to my mother in 10 years yet she still twists the knife in my back on a regular basis.
That said? I know I am driving her completely NUTS by not reacting or fighting back. She speaks of me to others and they turn on me but 2 or 3 years later, those same people are no longer speaking to her because her truth has finally shown itself and they often apologize to me for judging me without cause. They can see that I have taken the high road while she has taken a pathway to another, far hotter place.
It doesn’t end my pain but it does give me power that I never had before. I am silently telling her and a few others that they can no longer play me like a puppet and in some small way? That can become my closure.