I met someone today. A sweet yet very quiet little girl named Hannah. She was such a sad little thing and I had no clue what to do to help her so I put my mind around her and gave her the warmest hug I could possibly muster. She seemed to just crumple in to a pile and the tears got even louder but these were the good sort of tears. Little Hannah realized with that hug that she had been seen and heard. That someone cared.
For many years I have known that Hannah was there but I assumed that the crying I heard was just another sign of my impending total loss of my grip on reality. I tried so hard to ignore those tears. Pretend I could not hear them, drown them out with music, TV, keeping busy, singing, talking… anything to help quiet the never-ending tears.
I didn’t know her name, I had no idea that she was a true personality in her own right with likes, dislikes, fears and memories. I never asked her why she cried because I assumed she wasn’t real in any way.
Then she drew me a picture. She draws me pictures all the time but it is only in the last year that I knew these pictures were from parts of me. Most of the pictures are more like scribbles but she always uses yellow and a lot of it. When I took a better look at today’s picture, I could see the rough outline of a yellow star. The centre of the star was darker and had a symbol on it. This realization sent chills through me. I’ve seen this star in many of the Helpers drawings. I found what they represented quite awhile ago and know their significance but Hannah is much younger than the others who draw it. To me this just shows me that she knows much more than a very young girl should.
These days that star looks like this. It is flat and on a whisky bottle. Nothing all that special.
But back in the 70’s the star was removable. Back then the star looked like this. It was removable and given to many of my younger Helpers as a room decoration.
So this is what Hannah has been trying to show me for all this time.
Thankfully this realization on my part opened a better “channel” to communication with Hannah. She still only cries but I could feel her emotion better and now I have some idea of what her trauma was so I can try to help her. I don’t need to know all the details but just having a place to start with her seems to ease her panic.
I still feel rather sick due to the realization of what she went through. That feeling as though you’ve been drop-kicked in the stomach. I don’t enjoy that at all but with knowledge comes power and now I have a place to start.
Maybe one day I can help Hannah enough that she will stop crying. I think 40 years is long enough for her to be suffering. She deserves a better life with some happiness, some fun and maybe even make nice with a few of the other younger Helpers.
For now all I can do is let her know she is seen, heard, believed, cared for, safe and loved. When she is ready, she can show more of herself to me and I hope that there is some small way I can be a help to her.
Each Helper is special, unique, has their own needs, wants and ability to heal. I am so happy that Hannah decided to trust me enough to share her picture with me. Thank you Hannah, ❤ ❤ ❤