Inside my mind.

I’m having one of those wild days where my mind is flooded with the sights, sounds, smells and emotions of the past. The Helpers are very upset and their raw emotion is completely overwhelming. I was walking around my house with my hands shaking and insides doing flip-flops and cartwheels just trying to get away from myself. I feel assaulted by the light of day, the sounds of my husband running his saw out back, and the phone ringing sounds like a gong going off and sends knives straight through my ears. I can’t answer it just yet as words from another person won’t really be heard and I will be unable to respond in an appropriate way. My computer is my safe place and my written words feel like my only escape. How on earth I can write coherently when there is such an overwhelming war going on inside my mind and my body just baffles me. Written words seem to be my only way out.

On the outside I appear calm, capable and at peace yet inside there is such an assault going on that I am not sure how to find my way out. I have a whole dart league coming over to my home soon. 12 people in a shed. 2 tables of people getting up and down, moving to the toe line and back to their chairs again. The sound of laughter, people giving high fives for good scores and even more praise for crappy scores… it’s a great group. That said, how am I going to go sit there and try to hear what others say? How am I going to find the strength to reply? How am I going to calm the Helpers enough so I can sit still for 3 hours and not just begin to scream?

A scream would actually be a great release right about now. Just not in front of all my friends. I wish I could scream but I am incapable of it. I’ve tried. I have tried so many times that it is ridiculous. Just scream. Let it out. Let the anger fly out of my mouth in to the silence that surrounds me. Yet my screams are silent. They do not scare or shock others because my screams are invisible to the outside world. Even as I continue to heal, my ability to let the emotions bubble to the surface seem beyond my abilities.

My last therapy session tipped me right over the edge and it is what has me reeling right now. I realized within that session that I have been focusing on one aspect of my past that is horrible and shocking on its own but I have been focusing on that to avoid dealing with the really big issue. Now memories are filling my mind faster than I can control them. The Helpers are equally overwhelmed. Hannah is crying uncontrollably. Polly wants to cut to help release the pain even though she knows that is no longer an option. The younger boys are all set and ready to fight. They want to go down the street and hurt the person who most deserves it. Holding them back takes all my energy and focus. Them landing ME in jail is not the answer here. Ali is wanting to draw and she’s mad that I am typing rather than letting her draw but I know what her picture will be today and truthfully? I don’t want to see it. Shawna and  Darcie are just plain pissed off while Aggie is stirring the pot. Charles sticks close to Aggie today and they are both being relentless and mean. The little girls are all silent yet their fear is overwhelming me. They are sharing some memories today and they are afraid to share what they know. I am equally afraid to face it yet they can not seem to stop. Julie is trying her best to rein everyone back in but even all-powerful and in control Julie is finding herself powerless today. The memories, pictures, sounds and smells from the past are overwhelming her too.

Writing this in a blog and baring my truth for anyone to see is not at all an easy task. I wish I could end this happily and tell you today is just a bad day.
It’s not.
This is my head almost every day. This is what is behind my smile, my calm demeanor, my laughter and my words. There is always a therapy session or a comment made unintentionally that cuts in to my core like a knife. A memory, scent or new reveal from a Helper.
This is what a day in my life feels like from the inside looking out.

Now it’s time to go smile, get ready for darts, make a phone call or two and prepare a meal before everyone begins to arrive. I think I deserve an Oscar for the best rendition of a normal life while my insides are in shambles.
Most anyone with a mental illness deserves that Oscar too.
Keep smiling folks! “Fake it till you become it.” Right?