This topic is near and dear to my heart. It has probably caused me more inner turmoil and pain than any other sort of abuse only because of the way it twisted my mind into believing that I was at fault for everything that happened to me. That I deserved all I got and that I should be grateful for anything I still had or was ever given no matter how damaging.
Abusive people bait their victims. They play their cards close to their chests so that the victim is unable to see the fact that they are not being cared for or loved but rather, they are being baited. Abusers are great at this. The more years they practice it? The better they get. They spend their time getting you in to their web and when it is far too late for you to escape, they have made you fall in love with them, trust them or they have made you dependent upon them for your survival (particularly if you are their child). They let you in so far and make you think you are loved only to turn around and bash you.
Abusers enjoy this “framing” game. They provoke a reaction from their chosen target then claim that reaction is proof of your instability, rudeness, evil-mindedness or that you as the victim are really at fault. They do this to take all the attention away from their own behavior and then this abuser seeks support from others which ends up turning people against the target/victim.
This can devastate an individual who is already suffering the effects of the abuse or maltreatment. Now they are being blamed, rejected and often isolated as well.
The abuser gets to enjoy that sense of power and control that he or she gets with impunity and then gets positive attention from playing the victim and fishing for sympathy.
This is also the perfect plan to ensure his/her victim feels too intimidated to even attempt to speak up or expose the truth.
So what on earth do we do with the feelings of shame, being at fault when we really know we are not, the fear of speaking out, the isolation, and if your situation is at all like mine? Having people who you really loved turn against you based on incorrect information?
Well… I can’t speak with much authority here, This is still a really sore subject but I have been trying to move out of the place I was stuck. I can share what I’ve been trying so far.
I am speaking out more. Not to my birth family or people who my mother has ripped me part to (I know which battles to choose) but I speak out a bit more here and that helps some of my friends who read my blog understand me better. I also speak out in here because i hope that if there is someone out there going through this as well, I want them to feel less alone,
I am also trying to convince my mind that I am not at fault and doing some research on narcissists for this blog has helped me see their method of operation. I could really see it for what it was a bit better than before.
I’m also trying to rebuild a stronger circle of healthy people who do not play these games or bait then blame. It’s all a work in progress but I am really trying very hard to remember that the fault lays in the abusers/bully’s laps. Not mine.
If you are also dealing with this? It is not your fault either! These people who have made you feel badly about yourself are not at all right in the head. “Normal” people don’t go around making other people feel like crap. You are worthy of so much better. We all are.