I mentioned in my last post that I would tell you about Julie.
Julie-Anne is one of the Helpers but she’s more than that. She is the leader, the organizer and the one who makes almost all the decisions for the Helpers. She decides who comes out, how long they stay, which Helper is suited best for the task at hand and if no one else fits the bill? She takes the reins herself. I am unsure if Julie was the first Helper or whether she came along a bit later but I never remember what life was like without her.
While I was completely unaware of having the Helpers at all until 18 months ago, I always heard Julie in my mind. Others too but while the others were more like background noise, Julie was just like a regular conversation with anyone outside of my head. I quite honestly assumed that I was schizophrenic or psychotic and never told a soul about this constant companion. I was afraid of being locked away forever. Sadly I am not joking.
Julie is a very unique Helper. While the others seem stuck at certain ages and don’t seem to evolve at all (unless they are brave enough to come forward and share their trauma but most have been unable to do that as yet), Julie ages with me and changes with me. I find it interesting that she’s even changed her name to follow along with my lead.
I will admit that there are times when I am not sure who follows who and she does have a big part in leading my life where it needs to go.
I discuss my problems with her. I share my triumphs. She is the reason why I got help last year. She knew that we would all die soon if help was not found and she wanted to live. She is the reason I am still alive today. She is a big part of the reason why I am healing and working so hard to get better.
I make her sound perfect but she can also be a real troublemaker too. When she feels I can’t handle a certain situation, she is the one that unilaterally makes the decision to send in a Helper. There is no consulting me or allowing me to try to stay and deal with the issue at hand. She also takes over herself more than any other Helper. She is the most like me so people who don’t know me very well often don’t even know that I’ve switched. It is a nearly seamless transition between us. Some people can tell though. Julie is quieter than I am but she is more direct. She has no trouble at all in putting someone in their place and doesn’t always do it very nicely. Most people who’ve met her tell me that when she is in control, she demands to be heard. There is no getting around her. She means business!
Julie was also the one that took over in my therapy appointment.
Why did she do it? Well, I had just finished telling the therapist how happy I was that I am in control most of the time now. Julie took immediate action to show me that she is still very much in control if she chooses to be.
And the lesson learned from that? Don’t forget to give Julie credit!!!
Julie is also the reason why the word “integration” is impossible for me to imagine. She’s been beside me for as long as I have had memories. There is good and bad to how she behaves but I am not perfect either. Her intentions are (almost) always good just as mine are.
So thank you Julie. For helping me have the life that I have today. For allowing my mind to survive because you took over or had someone else take over during many times that could have shattered my mind forever.
I won’t forget to give you credit again.
I am not healing on my own.