Are you angry? Can you get angry? Or do you run for the hills if others around you show any anger at all even if it is not directed at you Can you be okay in it?
I have a lot of friends with PTSD and I have found there seems to be two extremes. We either feel absolute blinding rage or we refuse to feel anger at all. Most of us, myself included are terrified of our anger. We just feel like if we ever let the lid off it a tiny little bit, we won’t be able to control the intensity of what comes out. Because of this, we shut it down. That healthy in-between seems lost on most of us.
I fall in to the latter category. I almost never allow anger, disappointment or hurt feelings to show to anyone else nor do I accept those feelings. If any of them come to me, I suppress them with food, distractions or even another feeling. Anger is scary. It’s overwhelming and it is unsafe. Well, in my world it is. Anger never ends well. Expressing displeasure is someone else results in being dropped like a hot potato. Leaving it unexpressed leaves me feeling frustrated and bottled up. I know I am not alone.
Yesterday I tried to allow myself to feel a small bit of anger for my young life. I looked at one particular, rather small incident and admitted to feeling “pissed off” about it. That anger was impossible to tolerate and I immediately felt a great deal of sadness. I still feel it today.
I’d like to feel some anger and actually be able to sit with that feeling. To give myself permission to just accept that I got a terribly rotten deal and no one in this world should be treated that way.
I wish this post had some terrific life lesson that I have learned and an inspiring ending to show how I’d found my way clear of this stumbling block but today I am just not there. I’m just sad and wishing that I knew how to tolerate being angry. Some people really deserve anger directed at them. They need to know that what they did hurt others.
I will find my way with this one. It just won’t be today.
Maybe today’s post is just me being honest about where I am at and perhaps making someone out there feel just a little less alone if they feel the same way that I do.