Attachment

Have you ever really sat back and thought about what you are attached to?
Are you attached to your mother, father, siblings, grandparents, friends other family members, school or workmates?
Are you attached to your cell phone, your computer, your car, home or photo albums?
Becoming attached a normal process that almost every human learns in infancy. It is a necessity. One of natures most basic needs.
As a baby, you are born and you dependent on your mother, father and eventually others to teach you that you were safe, that you could count on others for what you needed in life. That you would be held when you cried, fed when you were hungry, changed when you were uncomfortable, put in warm clothes when you were cold and played with when you were bored.

What happens to a baby when it doesn’t have anyone to attach to?
It still has all the same basic needs but those needs are not met with attention or care. It is left  hungry, crying, dirty, cold and unstimulated.

Well, truthfully I can’t really speak for what happened to others but I can speak about what happened to me.
Without having my basic needs met on a regular basis, I never learned how to attach to people or things. Speaking the language of emotional attachment is like trying to learn a language that has never before been heard or understood. By anyone.

I have deep love in my heart for family & friends but there is something missing for me. It is a sense of permanence. I am not able to truly attach to anyone. I live with this feeling that anyone or anything can be taken away at a moments notice. Even when others have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they won’t just leave me, that ability to trust in them is just not there.

In a recent therapy session, I had it explained to me that we have two different brains in a way. An emotional brain and a thinking brain. My thinking brain is very well-developed. I am a writer, I can find words to explain almost anything. I have my life organized and running rather smoothly if I do say so myself. Just don’t ask anyone who knows me okay? 😉
Then this therapist said that although my thinking/intellectual brain is well-developed, my emotional brain is not. It is still back in childhood trying to figure out how to get its basic needs met.
It became very clear to me that there is a gaping hole in my life. I am trying to  learn how to function more like people who speak that odd language of attachment.
Right now I attach to nothing. I can throw anything away. It’s just a thing. I expect people to walk away from me. There is no trust.
How I go about fixing this? I have no idea. I will tell you what I have done until now.
I watch others. I try to emulate those that I respect and handle things in the same manner. I learned to be a mother through parenting classes (LOTS of them) and watching how other mothers handled their children. I’ve learned to be a wife, friend, worker and human being much the same way.
I will eventually get there. It will eventually start to feel more normal and less like that foreign language. I have left the bad examples in my past and have wonderful people in my life now that teach me more every day. I am incredibly grateful.
I do have one request though… show those you love that you truly love them. Hugs those children as often as possible. Pick them up when they cry. You are not spoiling them. You are creating healthy human beings.

Hands

One response to “Attachment

  1. So, so heartbreaking – but beautifully written Heather. You should know that even without that essential early care to teach you attachment, you are a wonderful friend and very nurturing and loving. You were born that way.xxx

    Like

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