Positive vs. Negative

“You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.”

There are a lot of people who think I have no real troubles in my life and they are shocked to learn that I am actually dealing with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. Why? I am almost certain it is because I am almost always smiling and cheerful. Fairly obvious right? 🙂 The days you would see me cranky or negative are very far and few between.

Do I have troubles? To be blunt? I have HUGE ONES!
Constant nightmares that make me afraid to go to sleep at night, flashbacks during the day that rattle me to my core, triggers left, right and center. I feel overwhelmed when there are people around me which is basically always. I am easily startled and my anxiety can be uncontrollable to the point that I’ve required hospitalization and daily medications just to keep my heart rate under control. I wake up at least 4 nights a week with such high anxiety that I am positive that I am going to die. Last night I even woke my husband because i was sure I would need an ambulance at any second. That is not an exaggeration.
If I wanted to be? I could be as cranky as humanly possible and while no one would like it very much, I doubt they would blame me.

So why do I smile?
I have nightmares and flashbacks but I also have dreams and wishes.
People trigger me and make me feel overwhelmed but these people are also the same wonderful people who offer me friendship, laughter and love. My life would be empty without them.
I am startled very easily but this state of “being on guard” also makes me very aware of my surroundings. I see so many things that others miss.
Anxiety sucks. Plain and simple but it also makes me compassionate to others who struggle. I can listen to someone express how they feel and hold no judgement over them. People seem to sense this and come to me often. Having the ability to help them helps me in return. it makes me feel that all this crap in my life has some purpose.

I truly believe that happiness is a choice you make.
Everyone has troubles. Everyone has a bad day but a bad day does not mean it is a bad life. You can choose to focus on your troubles or you can choose to look for the silver linings. What is that trouble teaching you? Patience? Compassion? Perhaps it is teaching you a lesson that will make you stronger? Those bad days can also make you enjoy the good ones all the more.

I don’t think we all need to be happy 100% of the time. Showing we are human is really important too. I just think that we need to be aware that those moments need to be just moments and not the way we conduct our whole life.


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