Oh how the word integration sends shock-waves through The Helpers and I.
It seems to be the ultimate goal for many of the professionals that I have been dealing with so far. For me? It seems disrespectful to want to erase people who helped me get through the very worst parts of my life, made it possible for me to become a wife, mother and friend.Allowed me to get an education, buy a home and live my life while they held the pain and the secrets as their burden. Without “The Helpers”, I can tell you for certain that I would not be alive today. I would not be where I am or who I am without them and the protection they offered my mind.
I am incredibly saddened by the fact that the people who should have loved me the most and protected me from harm were the very ones that made it necessary for my mind to shatter into pieces just to survive.
That is something I am uncertain anyone could ever make better even if they were willing or wanting to try.
Beyond that sadness and feeling of being “shattered” is a deep gratitude for the parts of me that broke off in to their own little compartment and allowed my core self to live without complete knowledge of what was going on in my daily life.
So after up to 40 years of their faithful service (depending on when each one was created), we are just going to integrate them all together and make them all a whole part of me? I am not willing to take that path.
Integration feels like wanting parts of me to die. It just feels wrong.
I am Heather. The center of it all. I have certain needs and wants like being truly present for special occasions,outings with my friends and family, spending time with my children, therapy, and so forth. The Helpers do not need to be gone to accomplish this. I see us more learning how to live together and share our needs with each other.
They were there for me when I needed them and now I will be there for them as well. So integration? No thank you. Good helpful friends that can work together towards a better life? Yes please.